He has a child

You say you wouldn't have matched with him if you'd known but he doesn't have to advertise that he has a child on his profile. If you'd asked him the question and he'd lied absolutely different matter. If it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker though, ask straight out next time if so

I would have said that mentioning his child for the first time on the first date is fine, except for the bit about how you were talking about whether you want children and he didn't mention it then. That seems a bit weird. It's clearly key information for that discussion!

And again, just mentioning "a child" is not the same as saying my child's name is Fred, he goes to St John's primary school, here's a picture of him and our address is blah blah blah.

You can mention the fact you have a child when you're talking with someone with the view of potentially dating them without putting your child in harms way.

Actually no, they don’t have a right to know about a child if all you’ve done is exchange messages online.

As I say until you’ve met in person you don’t even know if they are who they say they are.

Bringing it up on first date is fine, at least then you know the person is who they say they are and then worst case scenario it’s a deal breaker and there’s never a second date.

And it's also one of those things that can mean you're totally incompatible with someone/ their life I.e. one person likes travelling, socialising a lot blah blah. It's probably pointless them talking to a single mother who has her kid every day of the week.

Just a waste of time for everyone involved if it's not mentioned when you're talking. Surely the whole point of talking before dating is to find out if this is someone you could potentially be with?

See I really disagree with this, there are unfortunately lots of awful people out there who would specifically target those with children, to get close to that child

I understand this but no one is suggesting you slap it on your profile or have a picture of your child on there.

But if you are spending time talking with someone privately with a view of potentially dating them I think they have a right to know you have a child. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people.

I feel frustrated by his defensive response, implying it was my responsibility to ask rather than him being upfront

Maybe he was defensive because it sounds as if you badgered him quite a bit over it.

I’m not dating, I’m married, if I was dating it would be men but as I’ve said, there are evil women just as there are evil men. Women aren’t automatically all safe just because they have a vagina.

And the big difference with dating someone you know in real life is exactly that, you KNOW them in real life. Maybe you’ve worked with them for a few years, or socialised with them for a few years, maybe you have mutual friends or families who know each other. There’s always a risk of course, but that risk is much lower when you already know the person, their family, friends etc than someone you’ve “met” online and haven’t even met in person at all yet. I just don’t think I would be telling someone I ONLY know online about my child, I have absolutely no idea if they even are the person in their pictures at that point.

He mentioned it on the first date so I don't think it's too bad. It would have been another if you'd gone out for a month and he didn't mention it cause "you never asked".

I think not mentioning his child shows you he doesn't list his child high up in his priortise. That in itself tells you the kind of person he is.

I don't disclose until first date, why would I? My privacy and my children's safety is paramount.

Presumably you’re dating males though? The risk is much much lower with women.

Do you rule out dating people you meet in real life? So people that know you and know you have a child are all out ?

If you'd gone straight to dating it would be ok, but to chat for a month and not mention your child seems a bit underhand to me. If you don't want to date men with DC that's your privilage Op , he may not like it but you are allowed to set your own boundaries.

I agree that it’s not a good idea to advertise you have a child in your profile. But not mentioning a child before a date and then gaslighting you into believing it’s your fault for not asking?

Throw this one back OP. If he’d been honest and said it was hard to get dates if he tells women he had a child so he omitted that information then it would be iffy but possibly forgivable. But the gaslighting on top? Hell no

See I really disagree with this, there are unfortunately lots of awful people out there who would specifically target those with children, to get close to that child.

I would far rather waste a little bit of time by bringing up my child later on once I have more of a feel for who that person is than advertising the fact I have a child immediately and potentially putting my daughter at risk.

You're not wrong to think it's deal breaker, he should of been upfront. I'd wonder if he really did have a good relationship with the child, it's not something you can easily hide , not only wanting to talk about them but the practical aspect of arranging dates around parenting, or regular contact may mean he doesn't see the child often, but just asks about them! not a good choice of a man anyway.

It wouldn't have bothered me not to mention children before the first date because there are mixed reviews on whether that's a good idea due to safety reasons, but his reasoning being 'well, you didn't ask' seems very off because it wasn't for safety reasons then was it?

Only time a guy said to me 'well, you didn't ask' was when I then found out he had a girlfriend!! I mean wtf, sometimes it's up to YOU to share important info.

I don't think it's that odd not to proactively mention a child in the pre-dating phase

I honestly disagree so much. Imo it's one of the first things that should be mentioned.

A child is surely one of the biggest impacts on a person's life and therefore that of any potential future partners too that it should be mentioned upfront.

Having a partner who has a child doesn't just affect their life, it affects yours as well in lots of ways (lots of them pretty negatively). Lots of people don't want to date someone who has a child for valid reasons so it would be a complete waste of time to spend time chatting to someone just to find out later that they have a child already.

Defensiveness is a huge red flag

I would be ok with a person not mentioning kids on their profile but then mentioning this on a first date if it goes well. Otherwise it’s a deception as it’s an important information for the relationship.
His reasoning is even worse, it’s gaslighting pure and simple. I wouldn’t trust him as he sounded very manipulative.

You are being hypocritical yeah, there are evil women as well as evil men.

I also wouldn’t read too much into his reason why not, if it was me I probably wouldn’t explicitly say “I didn’t tell you incase you were a paedophile”.

You can stop seeing him for any reason but I don’t think telling someone about your child on a first date is awful.

I don't think it's that odd not to proactively mention a child in the pre-dating phase. EXCEPT, in the context of discussing longer term family plans then of course it should hav ebeen mentioned. So there is definitely some dishonesty there. I'm not single but if I was and I was chatting with a potential partner and he asked me if I wanted kids in due course, surely the natural response would be to mention the kid you have at that point? So on that basis, I'd be uncomfortable.

what is "regular contact" with the child? DD and I were chatting this morning about the difference between two of her friends' and their respective father. Friend 1's dad is fully involved and DD is as likely to do a playdate at his house as at mum's, ditto friend is as likely to be dropped off/collected from ours by her father. Friend 2 on the other hand spends 1 night every other weekend with her dad and DD wouldn't recognise the dad if he was standing in front of her - he certainly doesn't facilitate play dates, parties etc and is barely around for his DD in terms of time spent together.

He sounds dreadful. Not having told you is a deceit.
His reasoning that you hasn't asked is bollocks.

It's absolutely fine if this is a total deal breaker for you.

I always knew I wanted kids and I wanted to have them with someone who was also doing it for the first time and didn't have divided loyalties.

I don't really care if that makes it more difficult for men with kids to find partners. It's not my problem. I'm sure someone else will date them.

Not telling something important is as bad as lying IMO. Chuck him back before you find out what else he isn’t telling you.