DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

You are allowing her to be selfish and ridiculous!

I believe it’s your house & your rules…. Unless DC wants to start paying half of the mortgage & bills - then they get an equal say in things.

This was my thought…

Assuming there is nothing untoward - your daughter needs to learn a few life lessons......

Part of me wants to say “tell her to grow up” but my 18 and 20 year old DD’s would probably be the same if I invited my mum and step dad over (but stepdad is a horrible person), both my dc have autism and they don’t really like anyone over for Christmas…..but it’s not their choice.

When I was a child it was normal to have older family members over for Christmas day, not it doesn’t seem to be like that. A lot of people like to just spend Christmas with their household, kind of sad as Christmas is about family.

And as for them living another 15 years? My grandmother is 97, I think this year will be her last Christmas.

Without back story on their relationship in general it's hard to tell. It has a big impact. If they get on fine normally then she's being unreasonable but if there is some kind of history there then no she's justified.

Presume the 15 years was a typo and OP meant 5. Aside from the optimism re the grandparents (valid for some after all), "only 15 years" isn't going to work on an 18 year old who probably doesn't even remember 15 years.

Why's she stropping OP? Does she like the DGP, or do they take over the house and the TV etc?

I'd be firm with her that it's happening and that you look after elderly relatives, especially at Christmas. But also reassure her she can still go out, see her friends, spend some downtime in her room etc if you think that's it.

Well lots of parents do knowingly put their kids in danger - you just have to read press reports of abusive parents to know that. You could also read the multiple threads on the Relationships board of posters who were ignored or ostracised by their parents when they spoke up about abuse. As for missing abusive behaviour? It's absolutely possible. Most parents will not know a child has been abused (or will be in denial) unless a child speaks out.

That doesn't mean that's what is happening here, of course. Thec18 year old could just be being a brat. But it's fair of posters to raise potential issues.

In a comment on someone else's post the OP says her daughter didn't maintain any friendships growing up but seems to be getting a bit better at uni, which is making me think there's something else going on.

For whatever reason, this young woman creates space between herself and others. It would be great if the OP came back to confirm some things that have been asked.

What is the reason behind her reaction @Norzilla ? I don't think you should use the "it could be their last Xmas" type reasoning. None of us know what is around the corner and how many more Christmases will you have with DD?

If she is usually sensible, you should find out the reason for her reaction.

OP nailed it, a brat. So selfish. She's lucky she has a good mother, her own room and bathroom. An entitled little madam. Up to OP to deal properly with this.

Geez this a depressing thread on so many levels.

Counting my blessings.

You're right. She is being a rude brat and extremely unkind.

This is very sad. My DC are always excited for their grandad coming. They know all too well that grandparents don't last forever as my mum died in her 60s of cancer. All mine are/ were very involved grandparents who did a lot for DC when they were tiny so they have a good relationship and we always have a big family Christmas. When it was Covid lockdown and we had to have it on our own DC were very sad about that.

It's a few days! It's not as if she hasn't got loads of time off. I'm sure entitled brat is expecting Santa coming down the chimney plus stocking filled with sweets and Pandora jewellery - not forgetting GFPs Amazon gift cards and Pony in the garage. She'll then complain she's changed her mind about being Vegan - why didn't mother read her mind? Wheres the Turkey / Goose / Roast potatoes cooked in beef dripping and friend's mother always provides home made Yorkshires. She'll then remove herself to mate's house (because you forgot to stock Malibu - last time it was JD and Coke) with more accommodating mum - the one that's been cooking for days; and removed her parents to freezing cold, hugely expensive AirBnB (illegal extension) because her daughter's friends may want to crash. Friends will - helpfully inform, at last minute, of various food intolerances - involving last minute dash to Waitrose; fighting for the last trolley. Knocking OAP over to get lOat Milk and Gluten free anything. Heaving a sigh that at least you're not trying to get a Turkey at the last minute! Return to houseful of whingy teenagers complaining how they can get Dominoes Pepperoni Pizza on tap plus where's the Turkey?

We are going through the same thing here at the minute. My daughter isn't a bit pleased. It's because she said we get little enough time together now over Christmas she feels our little one on one times will be decreased or worse still invaded.

She just needs reassurance that you will still have lovely times together.

Good luck

Short of the OP returning with the key info that she left out of her OP, like the DGP is some sort of hideous Robert de Niro grandpa figure, we're all just guessing.

I would be curious to know how DD contemplates the future when her own mum is elderly, perhaps living alone and Christmas is approaching........will she offer an invitation or be influenced by a stroppy, self-centred brat??

What an unpleasant person this DD sounds.

I am a grandparent in my 70's with the gentlest, sweetest, most considerate DGC - a couple of whom are autistic and they would NEVER kick off about inviting me, or their other grandparents for Christmas.

There is a backstory here!

Shame OP has not come back to explain why.

I am assuming grandparent is difficult.

I'd buy some gifts and take her to visit an old people's home so she can see the people who may not be able to visit families and hopefully your daughter will be humbled and find some compassion for them.

@MrsCatE

Normally, I would say you are spot on.

However, there isn't much info about the daughter.
I'm ND and the whole situation would be extremely difficult (think planning to visit bathroom at 4 AM etc).
As I said, when I was similar age and forced to live with my parents, I had to mask heavily to survive, simple as that.
Moving out was and remains one of the happiest days of my life.
I'm 45, not everyone is a brat. (Father was a high ranking soldier, mother director of Border force).
You can imagine the sort of upbringing.

You say a 78yo DGP might only live for another 15 years… I admire your optimism.

I think, reading between the lines of OP, that the DGP might be "difficult".

She doesn't say one thing about wanting DGP over, or that they are a lovely person - simply that it is her "turn" as DB had them last year and she feels obliged because otherwise they would be alone.

And then she tries to "sell" it to DD by saying she only has to put up with it for another 15 years (!)

I think OP needs to understand why DD doesn't want them round. If it's because they are nasty and will ruin Christmas, then I would say that DD's point of view is valid, and we don't have to put up with unpleasant people just to "be kind" (where is their kindness to us?) If they simply have different interests or might spend a lot of time repeating old stories that everyone has heard a dozen times before, then DD should be encouraged to suck it up for an acceptable amount of time, and hide in her room for the rest if necessary.

She's being a brat and is lucky she isn't like my dc that have to travel to dgp and stay over for Xmas!

Of course DGP should come for Christmas. There has got to be a reason she’s not telling you. I’d suggest trying to gently explore with her what the issue is…..