Page 3 | DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

Norzilla · 2024-11-11T01:25:44+00:00

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home. Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

Fluufer · 17/11/2024 10:00

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:58

2/3 times a year ( live 2 hours away)

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I assumed they were further away than that. 2 hours is not far at all.

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:58

Fluufer · 17/11/2024 09:11

How often do they come and stay throughout the year?

2/3 times a year ( live 2 hours away)

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:56

Perhaps spend Christmas day at home, keeping it super simple effort wise, leaving Boxing day and going to visit and stay with your brother and parents for a few days.

Unfortunately DB will not have his DC on Boxing Day ( live 2 hours away from us so we don't see them often). His exW cheated so I will not see them at hers.

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:52

So I am guessing while your parents are there, there’s going to be quite a bit of tension? While DM is not supportive of you and that impacts you, it’s likely there’s an impact on everyone else as well.

I appreciate you wanting to build to bridges with your parents, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else will be looking forward to them being there. Or the resulting issues it will create.

But also, now you have made the decision you are all going to your brothers and not happy because everyone else isn’t on board either.

It does come across as a little bit like you are centring you, your parents and your brother and ignoring how everyone feels and annoyed they won’t just go along with it. It seems not everyone wants to spend this time with your family, perhaps due to the difficulties in your relationship.

Your dh and kids must have a reason they don’t want to go to your brothers. I am guessing your dd has said why she isn’t happy about your parents coming. Even if you don’t agree with them, they will have said it. Even if it’s that last years Christmas was far better and enjoyable without them last year. But you aren’t really saying. Surely your DH gets input on Christmas plans?

DH has for 18 years dictated we will always stay home at xmas. I guess I am sick of ignoring my own wishes

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Wednesdaysdrag · 17/11/2024 09:50

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:22

Our house is not too small. 4 double bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and separate wc downstairs.

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If you have 3 kids is it to do with someone is going to have to bunk up with someone else to provide them with a room?

Does your dh get a say on what he and the kids do Christmas Day?

You say he has isolated you and them from your parents. But it it does come across as though you have had a difficult relationship with them, you chose to live away from them and life has been easier living away from them.

Bit now you perceive it as being better you want everyone else to feel as though it’s a close relationship land forget everything else. That might be easy for you as they are your parents and you are worried about them dying. But everyone else doesn’t have that bond with them.

Your dh might be isolating you from your family. Or he may just not have a bond with them given how yeh relationships have been and the distance.

If my Dad all of a sudden got close with family members who have been pretty awful in the past I can’t say I would be that enthused with pretending it’s not be difficult up to now.

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:49

HolyPeaches · 17/11/2024 00:33

What or who is a DTS?

DTS ( DD2 trans son).

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:47

'Is grandparent independent - does daughter think she'll be running around grandparent etc'

Completely independent so no they won't be running round after them.
Not even a joint replacement between them and go for walks every day!

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:44

'There's no mention of a partner...'

DH and I have been together 23 years ( father of DD)

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BlueSilverCats · 17/11/2024 09:43

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:40

Absolutely categorically not!

'abuse at their hands and doesn't know how to properly express her fear of them being under her roof?

Or they are racist/homophonic/transphobic/misogynistic and it doesn't align with her values (or her personal self) and she can't stand the idea of having to listen to their hate when she wants to celebrate?

Or she wasn't "outraged" and it's an exaggeration on OP'S behalf of her understanding of her DD being upset her plans with friends might have to change and she was really just a bit upset which escalated because instead of showing a little empathy herself, OP called her names and was aggressive with her and left her feeling like she didn't matter?'

My DP have never had DC alone due to distance ( ex forces) .
Yes my relationship with DM has not always been good but her relationship to DC has been although again due to distance less contact than many other DGP

The thing is, it doesn't make sense .

If she has a good relationship with them or at least your mum, what's the actual issue of them being there? Just the fact that they might be sharing a bathroom ?

She doesn't have to entertain them, or cook for them /clean after them, there's no inconvenience for her, and she'll probably get extra presents with them there.

So why is she kicking off so badly?

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:40

Absolutely categorically not!

'abuse at their hands and doesn't know how to properly express her fear of them being under her roof?

Or they are racist/homophonic/transphobic/misogynistic and it doesn't align with her values (or her personal self) and she can't stand the idea of having to listen to their hate when she wants to celebrate?

Or she wasn't "outraged" and it's an exaggeration on OP'S behalf of her understanding of her DD being upset her plans with friends might have to change and she was really just a bit upset which escalated because instead of showing a little empathy herself, OP called her names and was aggressive with her and left her feeling like she didn't matter?'

My DP have never had DC alone due to distance ( ex forces) .
Yes my relationship with DM has not always been good but her relationship to DC has been although again due to distance less contact than many other DGP

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IridescentRainbow · 17/11/2024 09:38

I am 75 and recently widowed. My daughter has invited me to her house for Christmas. I would be heartbroken if I heard that my grandchildren reacted like this. To be honest in your place I probably would suggest that as she is 18 and legally an adult, she might like to find somewhere else to spend Christmas.

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:36

WinterCrow · 11/11/2024 12:37

OP was careful to obscure the grandparent's sex.

So maybe this is about a very private, shy teenager sharing a bathroom with a 78 year old chap, and having feelings about this.

Only OP can elaborate.

Jesus! I didn't even think about stating that my parents were not male and female! DM and DF have both been mentioned along the thread.

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LAMPS1 · 17/11/2024 09:35

OP it appears that your DH and transDC rather wish to keep themselves to themselves at Christmas …..because of their own personal struggles maybe, we can’t really tell.
I think it’s also important for them to be considerate of you and your parents. It’s only1.5 days and your parents sound like a perfectly reasonable elderly couple who love the DGC.
I would press them to act less selfishly now they are growing up and to think of Christmas as a time to gather family around. It can’t all be about them. Wider family are important, - elderly members especially, shouldn’t be left out. They might even enjoy the extra company.
It’s not good to live in selfish little Christmas bubble thinking only of their own needs and wants.

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:33

croit · 11/11/2024 12:08

Very much so as my parents spoke to me about it, all part of your education!

This! I wasn't emotionally black mailing her. I merely pointed out the facts that there are decreasing years with which to spend time at xmas with DGP. DD is usually chatty with DM and does get on with her better than I did at 18. They are very similar.

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Cherrysoup · 17/11/2024 09:30

A day and a half only! Bliss!

DH sounds like the biggest pita: has he isolated you from your family or has he tried to protect you from your admittedly fractious relationship with your mum? Now you’ve all been invited to your db’s, will you change your plans?

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:23

MeganM3 · 11/11/2024 10:38

I'd be the same as her. I don't like house guests, house is too small and only one proper bathroom.
Last time someone stayed over it was for 3 days and I had to bunk down with the kids and no one slept well, it was all just a pain.

One night I find ok but any longer and I'm very uncomfortable.
Would be too unrelaxing over Xmas.

There must be more to this anyway. What's the set up and why does she feel this way

They were coming xmas eve and leaving Boxing Day, so only 1.5 days!

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Fluufer · 17/11/2024 09:22

You don't speak very nicely of your DD at all. There's so much to unpack there. Who goes where for Christmas is the least of your problems.

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:22

MeganM3 · 11/11/2024 10:38

I'd be the same as her. I don't like house guests, house is too small and only one proper bathroom.
Last time someone stayed over it was for 3 days and I had to bunk down with the kids and no one slept well, it was all just a pain.

One night I find ok but any longer and I'm very uncomfortable.
Would be too unrelaxing over Xmas.

There must be more to this anyway. What's the set up and why does she feel this way

Our house is not too small. 4 double bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and separate wc downstairs.

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:18

Purplewarrior · 11/11/2024 10:04

I’m quite shocked at the vitriolic responses aimed at the DD by some posters.

We have very little info here. She might have specific difficulties going on in her life, she might be a brat, or the DGP might be an aggressive alcoholic/misogynist/racist/homophobe.

Until @Norzilla gives us more info, it’s really impossible to know who, if anyone, is BU

DGP are fairly fit people for 78/ 79 .
They just sit and chat / watch TV / have a glass of wine/ bring presents.
With me DM has been critical in the past but we had discussions about 8 years ago and it stopped.
Since then DD2 came out as trans which they have accepted, call by new name and refer to as he him.
They are not mean people generally and love DC ( more than they did me) .
DD has always had a selfish streak which is enabled by DH pandering. ( He was neglected as a child so gives DD all).

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Daleksatemyshed · 17/11/2024 09:15

Your DD is an adult, spoilt or not, ADHD or not, she needs to start learning that the world doesn't revolve around her. If you want your DM to come at Christmas then invite her and refuse to change your mind.

roastiepotato · 17/11/2024 09:12

Has she given any clue as to why she doesn't want them there?

Fluufer · 17/11/2024 09:11

How often do they come and stay throughout the year?

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:10

LadyGabriella · 11/11/2024 09:29

She’s being unreasonable. Tell her they’re coming for Xmas end of discussion. Also 15 years as other posters have said, is an extremely generous estimation.

In our family we have many family members who lived into 90s and one lived to 104. So yes it is quite realistic. DF s grandmother lived to 94!

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Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 09:04

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/11/2024 08:24

In a comment on someone else's post the OP says her daughter didn't maintain any friendships growing up but seems to be getting a bit better at uni, which is making me think there's something else going on.

For whatever reason, this young woman creates space between herself and others. It would be great if the OP came back to confirm some things that have been asked.

Yes she did have friends but was very choosy. She had a group of friends in 6th form and has made friends at Uni. She has friends from work.
While I agree she is likely mildly ASD does this excuse being selfish?

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banality101 · 17/11/2024 09:01

I would be so disappointed and ashamed of my DC if they behaved like this. Some PP might think that the entire world should centre around the whims of children (which apparently now stretches to young adults) but I think that DC who grow up with a level of entitlement and thinking that they are everyone's line manager will grow up to be horrible adults.