DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

Many parents of autistic kids probably do this all the time and their kids might manage well and on the flip side many parents of autistic kids probably do this and their kids don't manage well. Autistic people don't owe you consistency. If you have met one autistic person then you have met one autistic person and their ability to cope in situations doesn't determine another's.

You can't negotiate or train out or desensitise or sheer will away autism and someone's ability to cope with change can be inconsistent depending on their ability to to cope with other factors that impact their resilience. You know, like the busy Christmas period and all of the seasonal changes, pressure to socialise in a specific way and follow certain cultural rules, on top of university and the demands that come with that. It can all lower your resilience. Some parents of autistic children have to act like Christmas is just another normal day if we're going to offer redundant examples.

I highly suspect that as the OP acknowledged that her daughter could be autistic but then goes on to say she's just being selfish that with that mindset there will be many times where the OPs daughters needs have not been considered or met. It might as well be written into the undiagnosed autistics handbook.

It's no favour to any autistic to force them into social interactions or overstimulating situations that they have already communicated that they don't want to happen because it's likely that they will not be able to manage it. The dragging them up by their bootstraps method just doesn't work or have good short or long term outcomes.

Maybe if the OP does genuinely believe her daughter could be autistic, and starts to understand the struggles associated with transitions and changes then maybe she can find a solution that works as a compromise whilst also listening to her daughters communicated need.

It sounds like the op accommodates her all the time. It is quite likely doing her a huge life favour to set her up for adulthood to insist on some two way interactions, yes many parents of autistic kids do this all the time and their kids manage well, and probably it should be more often for the op than one Christmas Day in what- 10 years? It is pretty nuts you’d accuse the op of having thought about herself once in the time period. How dare she.
the husband sounds crap op, I really hope you get the Christmas you want, take the kids along, tell the dh sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and if he can’t come and be polite then you will never again be home when you are told his family are coming, nor so much as put a dirty tea towel in the wash to prepare for visiting, he is on his own.

OP, thanks for coming back to your thread with more information.

Well firstly there's no mildly ASD. You're either autistic or you're not. The only thing that is mild is how others perceive your struggles. Having her expectations of Christmas day upheaved doesn't feel very mild to her, does it?

Secondly, humans are inherently selfish huy the need for structure and routine in autism doesn't make you selfish. Excessive adherence to routines, ritualised patterns of verbal and non verbal behaviour, or excessive resistence to change is quite literally covered in the diagnostic feedback. Deviations can be extremely dysregulating and not being understood, or not getting your needs met creates trauma. It doesn't sound like you understand autism, but if you suspect your daughter could be autistic then I recommend you start trying to understand.

If you do believe she's autistic and you're not willing to accomodate her needs and you're expecting her to consistently make herself smaller or calling her needs selfish then sorry but you're the problem here.

So basically grandparents are not very close, DD doesn’t want to have more people at Xmas because then the needs of other people will be considered not only hers. It’s not about huge shift but she won’t be the center of attention and would be less able to do what she wants at least purely because of numbers. She is selfish and she wants things to be as she wants. Hardly surprising at this age. I would tell her to suck it up ( nicely and politely of course) She wants BF to stay and to be welcomed but grandparents not. That’s the wrong attitude as clearly they haven’t done anything bad. (OP’s issues with them is OP’s issues with them)
I blame mostly OP’s husband as he clearly models a wrong behavior here.

This.
Sort out the issues and tackle them separately, because at the moment everything is all jumbled up.

DH dictating how you spend Xmas and refusing guest or visits
DD preferring DH way, doesn't want guests
DH spoiling DD
DD BF staying over whenever she wants, not asking you
DD has been affected by witnessing your bad relationship with your DM

Isolate things you can control or change.

You can't control DH spoiling DD
You can't control DD behaviour - she is too old for that
You can't control the relationship between your DM and DD and DH
You can't control how DH feels about family Christmases

You can insist on some basic house rules around the BF, but be careful to pick your battles. You have limited control here and could lose, especially if DH doesn't back you up.

One thing you CAN control is where you spend your Xmas and how much effort you put into it, e.g. cooking etc.
So go to your DB if you want, for some or all of the day, with any family member who wants to come with you.
Or invite your DM to yours and tell the others to put up with it - but don't be surprised if there is a big argument between DD and DM, or DH and DM, or all three, on the day.

You can't force a happy family Christmas if others don't want it.

Agree with @Fluufer in fact the only person op seems to not have spoken negatively of is her DTC.

Ah. Apologies

@Norzilla I think you should go. The rest can sort themselves out if they don't want to go with you

In this instance apparently it is Dear Trans Son.

Twins

@Norzilla you’ve done what other people wanted for 18 years. It’s time to do what YOU want. Go to your brothers and if your DH and DC want to be with you, they can go to. If they don’t, they can sort themselves out. Cheeky beggars!

You seem to be conflating a lot of issues here op. You said you don't see much of them because they live hours away, they are critical of you, your DH is controlling, your DD is spoiled and stroppy.
You've got a DH with a difficult childhood, a trans child, a fractious relationship with your parents, a possibly controlling husband - yet the thread is about a stroppy teenager. There's a lot going on here, but it's massively unfair of uou to blame it on DD.

Ok then 🤷‍♀️ Good luck to you all!

Also if this is her first Xmas back after uni she's probably even more so wanting to cling to and recreate happy Xmas childhood memories rather than coming home to sharing her house with relatives.

I've only read the Ops so sorry if this has been mentioned before but I remember being very put out at Xmas when we had certain guests staying as a kid. And in fact the same now as an adult if I'm having to visit certain family I'd choose not to but do so out of obligations. It's probably no deeper than that.. She probably would just rather have had the type of Xmas she'd like to have. As we all do. We all make memories and enjoy certain types of xmases. Many people like just having their house to themselves. I also remember disliking having my elderly GP when they had to stay living with us after a fall. It's all very selfish but also very human and especially more likely as a teen. Probably the fact the GPs have never had kids on their own etc also plays a role- similar to me as a kid. She just doesn't feel as comfortable with them as you do as they're your parents but they're people she only sees a few times a year. I can totally relate to how she feels. It's ok for her to feel like she would prefer to have Xmas her way... you should try to take some positives from this that she has created happy memories from however you've done Xmas over the years! Of course this shouldn't change your plans on inviting them etc but I don't think she's awful to not want these people she sees a few times a year in her house and spending Xmas with her! You'd probably feel the same if she wanted to invite some childhood friend over for the time- someone who you may have known and spent time with for years but ofc you're not personally close to them whereas your DD would have a totally different relationship with her.

Has it ever occurred to you to reflect on the way you think and refer to your daughter and the way your mother treated you? I think you may be repeating a pattern, unfortunately.

I think it seems like the OP is making unilateral decisions about what is happening at Christmas.

Whilst I agree that extended family members need to be considered, the OP could have discussed with her DH and children what type of Christmas they wanted this year and agreed together who was invited.

Declaring that DGPs are coming and then that no, in fact we’re all going to uncles’s would annoy most people, I think.

Try talking as a family and agreeing together.

No. Not at all.

OP there are huge elements in this thread that show your selfish streak and self entitlement. You all seem to be looking out for yourself instead of considering what your family and each other need in this situation.

I don’t say that to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I’ve got to call it like I see it.

Oh ok fair enough, I’m envious of your longevity genes!

He obliges which is the root of the selfish streak and self entitlement

Could this come from anywhere else?