DD being petulant over DGP visit (18yo)

Norzilla · 2024-11-11T01:25:44+00:00

So I invited DGP over ( 78yo ) for Christmas this year. They went to DB last year. If they don't come here they will be alone this year. DD is outraged to have them here despite no real reason for it. She is 18yo at uni locally and still at home. Tonight I had a huge row, explained DGP might only live another 15 years and least she can be is kind and empathetic to me and them. Much stropping ensued! DGP have their own room but will use the bathroom. I told her she was being rude and a brat. AIBU?

Brinkley22 · 20/11/2024 01:08

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 10:27

No. Not at all.

'OP there are huge elements in this thread that show your selfish streak and self entitlement. You all seem to be looking out for yourself instead of considering what your family and each other need in this situation.

I don’t say that to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I’ve got to call it like I see it.'

So I have wanted to be able to spend time with DP and DB together for 20 years. DH has said all this time that he prefers just us at xmas and that is what we have done. So when exactly have I been self entitled ? Or self centred? I have done what he wants for 18 years and what DC wanted. Is it selfish to ask for one xmas with my whole family in one space?
I also hasten to add DH arranges for his family to come in summer including DMIL D aunt, DSIL and her DC which I am told about rather than asked.

This original thread started as DD being “petulant”. Actually what I think you are saying is that she is echoing/copying what your DH is thinking and doing. Be really careful not to locate a problem which exists between you and DH in your daughter.

DoreenonTill8 · 19/11/2024 17:43

LostTheMarble · 19/11/2024 17:09

As for this, both calling a possible autistic person a brat and the use of the word bitch in this context reflects very poorly on you. Neither the op nor her daughter are dogs in need of training, have some more respect for women at the very least.

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This. Quite concerning to see all the nasty hate directed at her, and not once has op said 'hang on, don't call my daughter a bitch/brat/etc' but to use a mn trope 'you don't seem to like her very much' so am not surprised you haven't!

LostTheMarble · 19/11/2024 17:09

Caroparo52 · 19/11/2024 13:44

Dd is behaving like a selfish brat. They can do this.. testing their muscle and testing your boundaries. Put a stop to it right now. Show dd who the bigger bitch in the house. You are. She finds some respect and good manners or looses some of the nice things she undoubtedly enjoys living at home with you like free phone bill or home cooked meals and laundry etc...

As for this, both calling a possible autistic person a brat and the use of the word bitch in this context reflects very poorly on you. Neither the op nor her daughter are dogs in need of training, have some more respect for women at the very least.

LostTheMarble · 19/11/2024 17:06

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 13:45

I suspect ASD as I do DM and myself of the same. However , all high functioning and had full time work , degree and friends.
DD copes with much busier situations in a play area and with other family staying.
If it was truly about coping I wouldn't press the matter.
ASD is not an excuse to be rude and social norms must still be learned and mastered.
She has had no additional support in school or work but enjoyed both.
Everyone jumps on this and yet there is no diagnosis and she does not feel any need to be tested.
So on this note I work with what I see.
She is very often accommodated!

I see you’ve come back to the thread op and are unwilling to at least compromise on the view that as someone with possible autism she is finding the idea overwhelming.

That doesn’t mean that the plan should be completely thrown out but she’s certainly not a ‘brat’ as some have insisted. You show a very low understanding of autism from this post alone - there is no such thing as ‘high functioning autism’ to start with. If you approach her possibly additional needs from a place of anger, contention and a simple ‘well she has to learn’, you may find this is a start of a very slippery slope of miscommunication and arguments between you both.

Up to you how much of what I’ve said you take on board, but it comes from a place of personal experience both as an undiagnosed ND child/adult and as a parent of ND children.

Caroparo52 · 19/11/2024 13:44

Dd is behaving like a selfish brat. They can do this.. testing their muscle and testing your boundaries. Put a stop to it right now. Show dd who the bigger bitch in the house. You are. She finds some respect and good manners or looses some of the nice things she undoubtedly enjoys living at home with you like free phone bill or home cooked meals and laundry etc...

Original poster

Norzilla · 18/11/2024 23:33

I do find it amusing that so many feel that dc should rule the household or DH.
In other threads where a partner dictates for 18 years all say stand up for yourself/ controlling / arse hole. Yet here I am having untold vitriol from keyboard warriors because I want to have all my family including DGP and DB under the same roof for xmas as it has not happened for such a long time.
I am done posting as quite frankly it makes me feel like cr*p

OP posts:

MrsCatE · 18/11/2024 11:01

Your child is a brat. There is no excuse; is this how you're going to explain / forgive her life choices going forward?

JudgeJ · 18/11/2024 09:22

HolyPeaches · 18/11/2024 09:18

Well you sound fucking delightful 😂😂

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Thank you, you're very kind!

HolyPeaches · 18/11/2024 09:18

JudgeJ · 18/11/2024 09:02

All the usual MN excuses in one go! The daughter is being a brat who doesn't get to say who her parents invite to their house. If we need a 'reason' or 'backstory ', she's an immature, ungrateful, petulant brat. Reasons enough there?

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Well you sound fucking delightful 😂😂

JudgeJ · 18/11/2024 09:12

TragicMuse · 11/11/2024 07:32

Time to roll out one of my favourite phrases: 'this is not a negotiation, I'm telling, not asking.'

Nothing further. No cajoling, just hold firm.

A phrase sadly underused!

JudgeJ · 18/11/2024 09:02

HolyPeaches · 11/11/2024 02:41

There must be more to the story here of DD throwing a strop “for no reason”.

How many days/nights will they be staying?

Is DD sociable? Or more reserved?

Are the GP’s overbearing at all? Treat her like a
child rather than an adult now?

Any type of fallout/situations in the past?

Are they the type to be non-PC/rude/racist? (Because my 80yo GP’s can be at times, as much as I love them)

All the usual MN excuses in one go! The daughter is being a brat who doesn't get to say who her parents invite to their house. If we need a 'reason' or 'backstory ', she's an immature, ungrateful, petulant brat. Reasons enough there?

ChristmasMovieTime · 18/11/2024 08:54

MartinCrieffsLemon · 18/11/2024 01:13

If 3 people would prefer one thing and 1 the other then majority rules would say you go with the 3

OP should just go to DB'S alone

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I agree, but I’m not sure OP will be happy with that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 18/11/2024 08:09

MartinCrieffsLemon · 18/11/2024 01:13

If 3 people would prefer one thing and 1 the other then majority rules would say you go with the 3

OP should just go to DB'S alone

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@MartinCrieffsLemon

agreed.OP you leave your husband and kids home to do the cooking and cleaning up etc and you go to your brothers and have fun 🎄🥂🍸 woop!

MartinCrieffsLemon · 18/11/2024 01:13

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/11/2024 22:34

@DoreenonTill8

so OP should just acquiesce and put her wishes on the back burner once again for her others wishes to take precedence?

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If 3 people would prefer one thing and 1 the other then majority rules would say you go with the 3

OP should just go to DB'S alone

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/11/2024 22:34

DoreenonTill8 · 17/11/2024 22:32

But if your and your DPs wishes make your dh and dc unhappy, sod 'em?

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@DoreenonTill8

so OP should just acquiesce and put her wishes on the back burner once again for her others wishes to take precedence?

DoreenonTill8 · 17/11/2024 22:32

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 22:28

@DoreenonTill8

No just my needs and wishes are equally important. I want to see them and it would mean a lot for DM and DF to see all their DC and GDC together as it hasn't happened at xmas for over 20 years.

But if your and your DPs wishes make your dh and dc unhappy, sod 'em?

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 22:28

@DoreenonTill8

No just my needs and wishes are equally important. I want to see them and it would mean a lot for DM and DF to see all their DC and GDC together as it hasn't happened at xmas for over 20 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 22:24

@LuckySantangelo35
Thank you, thats really my point.
My wishes are always last in the queue. I accepted this when DC were very young as it was impractical to go elsewhere for xmas. This is now not the case and so after 18 years of not doing what I want , this year I will.

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/11/2024 20:44

ignore people saying you’re being selfish Op, your husband has had it his ways for years. @Norzilla

DoreenonTill8 · 17/11/2024 19:30

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 19:04

But that wouldn't be Xmas which would mean the most to DGP and DB and his DC

So still their wants are more important?

MartinCrieffsLemon · 17/11/2024 19:13

But you just said time and complained about him inviting them in summer...

Original poster

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 19:04

But that wouldn't be Xmas which would mean the most to DGP and DB and his DC

OP posts:

MartinCrieffsLemon · 17/11/2024 18:36

Norzilla · 17/11/2024 10:27

No. Not at all.

'OP there are huge elements in this thread that show your selfish streak and self entitlement. You all seem to be looking out for yourself instead of considering what your family and each other need in this situation.

I don’t say that to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I’ve got to call it like I see it.'

So I have wanted to be able to spend time with DP and DB together for 20 years. DH has said all this time that he prefers just us at xmas and that is what we have done. So when exactly have I been self entitled ? Or self centred? I have done what he wants for 18 years and what DC wanted. Is it selfish to ask for one xmas with my whole family in one space?
I also hasten to add DH arranges for his family to come in summer including DMIL D aunt, DSIL and her DC which I am told about rather than asked.

So arrange for your family to come in summer then?

Cm19841 · 17/11/2024 18:15

There is a lot of side-tracking on the thread.

Your daughter is an adult still living at home, dependent on you. Your daughter manages to go to university - supported by you so she doesn't pay full whack (or any, perhaps) living costs. She also expects and gets her boyfriend to stay over as she likes. So she can handle people and guests.

She doesn't have a say about Christmas guests. It's not her house. It is yours. Her attitude towards grandparents stinks too. This makes you unhappy and uncomfortable. This is a problem you have to fix with your daughter and her understanding of what is expected from her under your roof.

oldmoaner · 17/11/2024 15:34

Is your DD centre of attention normally and if DGP are there thinks she wont be? I cant think of any other reason other than selfishness for her to re-act like that.