With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

If you have no intention of maintaining a relationship with her and you have no mutual friends then I say 'go for it' you've nothing to lose.

I had a similar situation but with a friend I’d known since primary school. We went to the same secondary school and university but for the last few years we were in contact it was very one-sided. I’d not hear anything for months and it seemed to me I was only ever hearing anything when this friend’s other plans had fallen through. They had form for being a bit like that when we were in school to be honest.

It got to a point where I stopped making much of an effort to stay in contact and then out of the blue I received a ‘’save the date” card for a wedding, 4 months after I’d had a text after I’d sent a Happy Christmas card. The date for the wedding fell on my birthday weekend and I had another friend, who I was a lot closer to by this point, whose birthday is close to mine and I knew we’d be going out that same weekend to celebrate.

It wasn’t a tough choice in the end. Spend birthday weekend with friends I enjoyed spending time with or attend a wedding in another city and where I’d only know the friend getting married. I tried calling but didn’t get an answer so I sent a congratulations card with a note inside explaining I couldn’t make it and a gift voucher for John Lewis. I never heard a thing after that and this was 12 years ago.

Perhaps consider doing something similar?

Don't send that although I understand it if you've made efforts to speak in the past and she only includes you if it's for her wedding or hen.

This message sounds like getting back in touch pre- those.

Depending how you feel, say, 'sure let me know some times that work for you to come my way' and leave it with her, or decline politely and leave the chats. Don't send a snotty message. She hasn't behaved well but sometimes friendships drift.

Definitely as PP have said bow our politely and graciously. Keep your nose clean and be nice as pie but write this one off to drifting apart. People that want you around will make it known. If you're making up hen and wedding numbers it will be obvious, or maybe she feels obliged to include you based on your previous relationship

release her of that obligation

She's no longer a real or close friend, but that's no reason to burn bridges. The suggestion of blandly saying you can't make it and wishing her well seems best to me. There seems to be nothing to gain by letting her know it's gotten to you.

I'd send it. Fuck her, it's true. To me, she's not a real friend & I wouldn't care about losing her from my life. I'd be glad to be free of her.

I don’t think any of this sounds as personal as you seem to feel it is - the young kid years are all consuming. To not reply for over a year isn’t great and to add you to the group without a personal message to let you know she’s engaged- also not great. But I think not unusual with young kids in the mix. I think the issue is between her life changing with kids and that nit being what you want with the friendship. I have various friends with young kids whom we go many months between replies and that’s just life. But because that’s ok for her/me, doesn’t need to be for you, just bow out gracefully if that’s what you feel you want.

You could always leave the ball in her court with ‘ping over some dates to meet’ and then leave her to russle up dates which she may or may not do

Generally I am ok with relationships ebbing and flowing and only reconnecting when there is a reason. Particularly so when I had young children and no bandwidth beyond my own day to day.

Sometimes friendships do "ebb" too far and become unsalvageable. Only you can determine this and it sounds like you think it is too far.

In your situation , I don't think I would be going to the hen weekend or wedding overseas (but I am time poor and not particularly sociable in a group unless I know lots of them).

I would reply with congratulations on the engagement and a bland I can't make it but wish you all the best etc message and leave it there. Even if you don't really contact each other again, I would not feel the need to have it out with her with the reasons. I feel that is hurtful and unnecessary. She's extended an invite to you not a summons as the old Mumsnet adage says.

Tldr- why put negativity in her life when you don't need to. Polite decline message=job done.

You’re creating drama over nothing. Some people don’t really clock others birthdays and that’s ok and means you don’t have to worry about marking her birthdays. No need to send mardy texts about it.

The friendship isn’t as close as it was but she still would like you to attend celebrations. If you can’t or don’t feel like it, that’s fine, just tell her you can’t make it but would like to meet up locally soon. No need to send bitter texts.

This

Did you remind her about your 40th? You already knew she's not focused on birthdays and doesn't 'know' yours. She has reminded you of hers.

How old are her children? Especially if little, she will be very wrapped up in them and their to needs - very different from being self-absorbed.

You know she's not good at birthdays, therefore know her 'I'm rubbish at birthdays' comment is both honest and light - she doesn't place that much importance on them but would like to catch up with you to acknowledge your 40th.

I think you'd be churlish to throw away the friendship. It sounds like you haven't fully acknowledged the difference children make.

You also sound a bit passive - you expect her to remember things and 'come to you'. Whereas she's making the effort to include you in things.

The ball is in your court, she's invited you to parties and to meet up, it's simply down to whether you'll enjoy it and want to see her.

To end a friendship over this is petty, you're not going to feel better being honest, if it's that tit for tat type honesty. You could maybe say that you were surprised to hear from her, it's been ages - which is honest without being mean.

If things dried up during COVID, you actually have no idea what's been going on for her. She might have been grieving, had long COVID, mental health struggles or just overwhelmed and let her friendships slide.

If turning 40 has made her look at her life and try to get it back to how she'd like it, with you in it, then it's not personal - it was her issue and she's trying.

Just bow out gracefully

Just stop bothering with her. No need for any ‘home truths’ - why hurt her? - just prioritise your better friends, hobbies, etc and move on.

I would message something like “Congratulations! Wow it’s been so long since we were in touch I had no idea you were engaged. Time just flies. Wishing you and your new partner all the best for the wedding and for the future xx”. Then would exit the whatsapp groups.

I wouldn't bother with the drama or the scene I'd just reply in the groups saying sorry can't make it, hope you all have a great time, and then leave.

Message her a week later and say "sorry I thought I had replied"!

@FluffyRabbitGal I kind of wish you would because no one really does that and these people just charge along, never changing

I'm not friends with this person anymore ... I had one friend who expected a lot of attention while forgetting others - but when I said it to her (in person) it sort of bounced off. She couldn't even pretend to care.

maybe this person is the same? I don't think she will be hurt. But will she bad mouth you to others?

Truth is an absolute defence.

If you're done with her and it'll make you feel better...sure. Don't expect it to go down well though.

And you could take the high road, but tbh I'd only worry about the fair and kind thing if I wanted to retain the friendship then I'd debate gentle honesty or acceptance. But if you aren't arsed, brutal honesty is fair enough. Block her after though, don't get drawn into a fight for a prize you don't want

Just move on. It appears you have different lives and different friends.
She did invite you to her chats so that was nice of her to include you.
I've had these type of friendships end and it's no one's fault. You can't be friends with everyone forever.

I think it's hard to say to be honest. You say she didn't show any intein meeting up, bit she invited you to things even though you didn't reciprocate and has suggested meeting up next weekend. Is there a chance you misinterpreted the failures to meet up previously and are setting too much store by her not remembering your birthday when she didn't have an invitation as a prompt? I'm probably being too generous but your interpretation seems a bit harsh tbh

I think in this scenario, yes I’d say something. I’d exit the gathering groups, and re your birthday catch-up, I’d say ‘let’s just leave it; my birthday is well over.’