With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

Maybe you could throw the ball back into her court by saying
“It’s been so long since I’ve heard from you. I had no idea you were engaged. While I am very happy for you, I’m not sure that I will make it. I guess I’m wondering if there was a reason why you have been such a “terrible friend” as you said, or if that’s just who you are…. “

I personally wouldn’t send the message. It won’t make you feel any better, and it won’t make your friend feel great either. I personally think the friendship became distant (for multiple reasons, completely normal - no falling out just distant because of life) and you no longer was a close friend or priority to her.

Now she is getting married, turning 40 she obviously has thought about you and wants you involved. Wether that’s to make up numbers, or because she genuinely wants you there - I don’t know.

To be honest I would 100000% not pay out for a wedding / hen do overseas for someone I’m not close to or was wary about. I would do it only if I could afford it for a family member or close friend. So I would message back “I’m so sorry - I’m unable to attend due to costs. Wishing you all the best”

The ball is in your court about the 40th and meeting up again. Maybe use this as a one last chance sorta thing? Actions speak louder than words. Could you perhaps meet up - see how things go and go from there? Meeting up in person might be a good way to say “I was upset you didn’t remember my 40th” and have a chat about it

She just wants you to make up the numbers , probably minimum amount of people needed to spread the costs . Let this acquaintanceship die OP. It's not a friendship.

I think it's ok to have different types of friends. And it's ok for friendships to change over time.

It sounds as though you were close at university, but not really since. She cares enough about you to stay in touch, and to invite you to things, but her priorities have changed with her young family and you are more a periphery friend.

I think it's ok for her to be a friend like that. But it's equally ok for you to want something more and decide you don't want to stay in touch on that basis. It was always ok for you not to spend money on the glamping and the hen party and the wedding, if you didn't want to.

I don't see how there is anything to be gained from sending your message. If you'd like to see her then organise a catch up, and accept that catching up once or twice a year might be all you do. If you don't then just decline the invitations and let the friendship fizzle.

Send it! Be honest as she either knows this already and doesn't care or she's so selfish that it needs pointing out to her.

I would say something but not as harshly as your proposed wording.

"Hi X. Congratulations on your engagement. Unfortunately I won't be attending as we haven't spoken for going on 18 months at this point and I need to prioritise friends who value me and my special events in return. Hope all goes well,"

People say they want honestly, ime they really don't.

The English have this odd stiff upper lip, take the higher ground thing then wonder why their so called friends keep treating them like shit. It’s because nobody calls them out on it. The inability to say what you mean and mean what you say is why this crap keeps cropping up.

If you think it will make you feel better then tell her what you think and feel then walk away. The idea we’re expected to put up with poor treatment without any repercussions or giving said friend opportunities to learn why you no longer tolerate their poor behaviour or friendship, is bonkers. Stop tolerating shit behaviour from people who aren’t given any opportunity to understand how it affects others. If you don’t tell her she’ll think it’s ok.

I once told someone to their face that I didn’t think we were compatible to be friends anymore, followed by the reason why.

In my defence it was at the end of a long and frustrating evening and the reason that she had offended me related to a bereavement that I had suffered. I hadn’t planned on saying it, but boy was it effective! I never heard from her again and, to be honest, don’t think I missed out on much by ceasing the friendship.

Sometimes telling the truth is the simplest option.

yeah I'd sit in the WA groups just to have a nose but say nothing.

Honestly, I’d say nothing, but I’d leave all the group chats - I actually think it’s bloody rude to add people to those without asking in advance. Once you’ve left them all, she’ll get the hint. Time for you to move on. You clearly don’t have a friendship worth preserving.

I would either recategorise her as 'old friend' and enjoy sporadic reminiscence catch ups from time to time. Providing it felt fairly equal.

Or let the friendship naturally drift.

Either way I would probably decline the events as I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to be with a group of people I don't really know.

This is probably the best way of dealing with it. I think a lot of people (i.e. me) would probably just ghost her though.

There is no need to send such an unpleasant message.

Just write off the friendship and distance yourself. I would have done so years ago with someone like this, she's not really a friend.

Why send it? It's just drama.

Whatever you write may be screenshotted and shared.

I wouldn't want the hassle of the aftermath of that level of honesty tbh. Its only worth telling it like it is for the big stuff that has a big impact and when you hope for change. With an occasional irregular friend I'd not be bothered with the drama of it. If I didn't want to go to her birthday or hen, I'd decline, probably with an excuse, and just carry on with my own life.

I’ve bowed out gracefully over stuff in my 60 odd years, stiff upper lip and all that, but the one time I didn’t felt so great! and I haven’t regretted it for one moment. The friend in question hasn’t changed one bit, as our joint friends often tell me.

I think you've and many Mumsnet folk have wasted enough brain cells and done enough mental gymnastics on "Former" friends. Let them go, they've moved on and so have you. You are NOT the same people anymore..Life changes you and them, you've out grown one another and it's ok. It's not a netflix film, friends are a convenience tool. Stay independent of friendships to preserve your own sanity. Be free

I think play it to your advantage. Will there be people you want to see at the wedding? Old uni friends? If so go to that. Make excuses for the others ‘if love to but funds are so limited right now but can’t wait to celebrate at your wedding’. Just view her as an old friend not a close one.

But I wouldn't say anything particularly dramatic about it, I'd just say that you can't make [event or events] and say you hope she has a good time.

I would only go to any of these if it's an opportunity to catch up with other people you really want to see.

Except...will the OP look back and think "Actually I'm embarrassed I sent that message"? I would.

I don't know how long it is since you left university but the truth is when you don't come from the same place and don't live in the same place after university, many friendships grow distant. It is natural to focus on people we see often, and it isn't a personal rejection of a friend we were close to for a while. I think inviting you was a nice gesture, but she won't be surprised when you wish her all the best but don't go.

Just leave the WA groups quietly and send her a note saying you fell the friendship has run its course

I think the big acknowledged question here is the friend's children.

OP casually mentions that friend has a family of her own now, in passing - but continues to expect the same level of attention from friend that was offered pre-children. That's not realistic.

I wonder how supportive and understanding you've been of your friend in the baby and tiny child years? How much you've recognised how her life has changed?

I don't see the point in lobbing in a grenade before you depart her life.
Just choose to not be her friend any more, that's feedback enough I think.