With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

I don’t think you need to be so scorched earth about it. If you don’t want to attend the events - which is fine - then just decline. If you want the friendship to end, then just let it die naturally. I don’t see what the message achieves, other than getting it off your chest. You never know, this friendship might blossom again.

Just leave the whatsapp groups. That action says it all for you really. She has only put you in them to make up numbers and get you to fund the things that benefit her. She is not your friend, she is a user. Be done with her once and for all.

This

I’d just leave it, leave the groups and don’t bother to message her again. If she messages you just give a short, friendly reply but don’t bother asking to meet.

Whilst I'm no longer in my people pleasing era (it's marvellous!) I'm also in my "soft era". I cba with any drama, any fall out, any "you did this, you didn't do that"....I don't care. Leave me alone. I'm enjoying living a small life filled with small things that make me happy. And tbh I'm not having anyone disturb that. From what I've read, the friendship has died, neither of you are bothered, you've both moved on in life....no biggie, it happens to lots of people....sometimes the only things that tie us to people is the past we share...so I'd just politely decline, leave the groups and forget all about it 💐🌻

Don't burn your bridges. There's no need. You're not high on her list of priorities so she's just going to shrug her shoulders and move one. Just decline invitations and mute the WhatsApp groups. You don't know her circumstances and you don't know if you will want/need her in the future. Friendships ebb and flow, and having little kids is a particularly busy and testing time so if you still like her keep it on the back burner for the time being. I'm part of a school friendship group and there was a period of about 7 years where we only heard from each other 1-2 a year, but once the kids were older and more independent we started talking and meeting up much more often.

Just say you can’t make both events and you wishes her well.

Move on, but take the high road.

In the group chats say "sounds like a great weekend! Unfortunately I can't make it. Have fun!"

Then leave the group.

As regards her private message, I'd be tempted just to ignore it.

She'll get the message just as strongly as you saying something to her, but you get to avoid being "the bad guy".

Sometimes friendships just end. Remember there will be someone in your life who you've forgotten or don't think about who thinks about you this way. I'm in my 50s and have let friends go over the years, it's okay to do this if you're clearly peripheral to their life and you're not getting anything out of it either. It doesn't have to be a drama, just leave them to it and focus on the people and things that bring you joy.

Honestly, she's not done anything terrible, you're just not close friends anymore. I've got many friends I used to be close to and nowadays maybe message once a year, it happens, life moves on. She's sent you invitations to her birthday and wedding, maybe as a way to make amends, maybe just because, you can decline if you want to, no reason to make her feel bad.

A slow fade away is a really good idea and something I’ve done before rather than go in/on full PA mode. A lot of people will see the PA and not respond.

I think if it were me getting the PA mode from a friend of mine, I’d take the hint.

Send this one.

Don't embarrass yourself with a silly dramatic message. No passive aggressive talk of prioritising people or reciprocity.

There is no need to block her after either as people often weirdly do in these scenarios. She's hardly harassing you with messages is she....

Man. You seem to take things very personally. You didn’t invite her to your birthday, fair enough. She has invited you to her hen do and 40th, they are invites, not court summons. My reading is you aren’t that close any more, which you’re finding upsetting.

I wouldn’t bother with the message as it’ll make you feel great for all of two seconds and then shit afterwards. I was great friends with someone at uni and she did something along those lines. I’d been thinking of cutting her off for a while but the straw that broke the camels back was when I told her I’d had to give up my dream career for medical reasons. She never even responded to the message (it was the career we both studied for) I waited months for a response and eventually just blocked her.

BTW, I wasn’t a needy friend. We chatted from time to time but some friends aren’t meant to be in your life forever. I guess we only had uni in common. I’ve got a friend who I’ve known for 30 years so I know I’m nice 😂

Noooo. Don't send any of these watered down versions either. Why do you need an old uni friend to prioritise you? She hasn't been very responsive but she could argue that she's invited you to big life occasions which you haven't and tried to pick up the thread now. She hasn't done something awful then asked you to stand her bail.

Don't make a fool of yourself by going scorched earth even in a PA way when it's not that extreme.

I've got a friend who is very self centred. She has her good points but has really let me down during a tough time lately. I noticed that on the online group of women invited to her hen (local, a few fussy components and some expense but not huge) there were a lot of names leaving the group without comment. Personally I would have posted a 'sorry, can't make it, have a great time!' to the group. It may be that you're not the only one in this position if she hasn't reciprocated any effort until she wants attendance. Or, she may have genuinely just drifted

I’m really tempted to reply “you’ve remembered my birthday once in the last 10 years, you’re right, you are a terrible friend and appear only to remember I exist when you want people to spend money celebrating you!”. Whilst all of that feels true, would I be unreasonable to say this or is this a little too honest? Also, not remotely interested if this is outing

What do you hope to achieve by saying this to her?

She won't change, so your words won't make a difference in THAT way

Will being unpleasant to her make you feel better?

Why does it matter that she's a 'bad' friend? Why can't you simply not bother with 'bad' friends? Why do you need to tell them how you see them?

Yanbu to feel the friendship is over and to not want to bother with her. I think the message is unreasonable though. Leave the relationship with dignity. I’d just say you’re busy so can’t meet up on that date and can’t make the events you’re invited to on the group chats. Then just let it fade away.

Agreed. It's totally passive aggressive and sparky.
Not sure how 75% of mn navigates life with all the fucking drama they advocate

I disagree- there is snarky emotion here, it reads as passive-aggressive. Just say something along the lines of "it's been ages and obviously both of us have very different lives these days. Wish you all the best for the future."

This is good, short and sweet yet civil/polite.

Stop bothering with her!

There was one “friend” I’d made through a friendship group who liked me and wanted me to meet her for drinks last minute and then a birthday thing which I couldn’t make (she got really stroppy over that one), she did another appalling thing (accused me of flirting with her boyfriend when a group of us stayed over at hers) but this happened before her birthday. I got to realising that I was only important to her on one or some levels and not just for being me, so I ended it. I’m sure she stomped her feet over this but you should do similar OP.

Sounds like she's been inviting you to things and you haven't attended or reciprocated.
To me it sounds like you just have different approaches to a friendship.
No need for a silly dramatic message.

Perfect!

Zero anger/emotion, but the message is loud and clear.

This . A gracious exit . Then move on don't look back .

You could reply fairly bluntly that you're not interested in going - its a lot of money to spend when you're going to be hanging out with a bunch of ppl you don't know.
She may get the message, or most likely it will be water of the proverbial ducks back.