To think it's impossible to make friends when you have two young kids

Agree that friendship takes time to develop, and to really get to know people is very hard if you're occupied with the small children you are responsible for at the same time.

You need to do some things without the children to get to know people, a regular evening class maybe.

Or invite some mums for a night at the pub.

Once you actually know people then the hanging out is easier.

Ask someone for a coffee after a baby class once, and then it becomes a regular thing.

Also making friends at work is often easier because, depending on the job, you are at least likely to have common shared values.

And , if someone is a real friend, then please don't drop them because you moved away. Go back for a weekend and visit and spend time with them

I agree with this.

It sounds like you have plenty of people that you are 'friendly with'. That is how friendships start.
Long standing friendships develop over time. I am getting the impression you are trying to find some really deep friendship instantly, and that isn't really how friendships work.

I’m quite fussy about who I want to be friends with so I have only met 3 friends in 8 years that I actually want to do stuff with. I don’t want ‘friends’ for the sake of it.

I think these things take time, be patient. I met one of my fave mum friends at swimming lessons 3 years ago but it was a v slow burner. I prefer it like this though. I don’t want to be asked out for coffee before 1 year!

Our local friends are more neighbours and parents of dc’s friends. How old are your dc? I didn’t find that it was until they were old enough to build proper friendships that we got to know other parents (so say age 8). Otherwise it’s just people you see in passing rushing on the school run.

That said, even with 2 dc and all their assorted friends and us in our late 30s/early 40s, our real like proper friends are all people we went to secondary or uni with, so friends we’ve known for 20+ years, not really parent friends.

I have made more friends since having young children than I ever have in my life so far. I've met a lot of people in baby groups, people who live near us, through nursery. You don't make friends with everyone who has a child the same age as yours but from various places I have a good few friends now that I've made through having children.

I agree with PP who says it often starts as casual connections as it does in any situation, sometimes you become good friends after a few years.

I made more friends than I knew what to do with when my kids were this sort of age.

Lots of play dates with different kids, joining school committees, joining a book club through the school, going on class nights out, sharing lifts to after school activities, running with other mums after drop off, adding contact details to lists for holiday meet ups… There are so many opportunities.

Mine are 24 and 21 now and I still have loads of close friends from their primary days.

It takes time to make friends. Maybe look for people in the same situation who’ve just moved to the area too.

You do sound a bit judgy. Candidates are going to feel like they're being interviewed. I wouldn't stop being friends with someone just because they gave my child crisps and donuts. I'd find a way of taking the donuts away - keep that lovely treat for later as you drop it in your bag never to be seen again.

I care about healthy food so I'm not saying I'm not friends with someone over the odd cake but if they're always giving my kid sweets I'd rule out meeting much (unless we're friends before kids that's different).

Instead of stopping meeting why not just say, no sweets for mine please they’ve had enough this week! Hopefully the friend will take the hint and not bring any next time.

Also why is it different for people you were friends with pre kids?

I think you're trying to manufacture a group of lifelong best friends but it doesn't have to start out like that. I think you need more casual connections and maybe stronger friendships will develop over time.

Maybe you need different friends for different reasons.

If you want some mums to meet up with the kids then your top criteria might be your dc liking their dc - and not care too much about their healthy eating habits, or other fairly insignificant values. You just want some company while dc enjoys playing with his friends.

And if you want a group to go out for a glass of wine with, well it doesn't matter what your dc thinks of their dc or how many donuts they give their kids does it?

If your kid and their kid kept fighting everytime you met up how would you maintain the friendship?

Quite a few of my best school mum friends don’t have kids who are friends with my kids tbh, they are people I found I get on with rather than friends via our kids. I met them chatting at the school gates at pick up time, then the odd school event, then progressed to meeting up for an evening drink or (once both kids in school) a quick coffee after drop off.

Occasionally we do meet up with kids in tow but generally to do an activity out somewhere so clashes are less of an issue. They are older now which helps. But mostly it’s adult meet ups.

Making friendships is like dating; it really is a numbers game, and about putting yourself in as many situations to meet people as possible. I think it’s completely normal for most connections to remain acquaintances or superficial. You also have to be open and maybe a little less selective - a lot of people I made friends with recently aren’t people I instantly warmed to or who I thought were my kind of person, it takes time to really get to know someone.

I was sympathetic until you said this:
The rare occasion someone wants to be friends they're not a person I want to be friends with ie don't share the same values

That comes across as quite snobby. It's possible to be friends with people who don't think exactly the same as you.

You’ve dismissed one family as the children didn’t get on, fair enough. Others you’ve dismissed as not sharing the same values.

then you’ve said you fell out of touch with a ‘close friend’ because it was too far to visit.

are you sure you don’t have narrower criteria than you realise?

My children are all adults now and I must say that the primary school years were the easiest for making friends by a long, long way.

Those were the years when I was thrown into many group situations with other parents, even if the main thing we had in common was being a mother to children of a similar age.

Once they were in secondary school the main routes to new friendships were work colleagues, neighbours and hobbies - but far harder IME.

To me, it sounds as if potential friends have a lot of hoops to jump through to be your friend. Their children have to get along with your children, you have to have shared values, you have to be interested in them. This approach doesn't seem to be working for you so it might be worth trying a new one.

If it were me, OP, I'd make a habit of parking myself in a nice local cafe with the baby after you've dropped your 5 year old off. Are you doing any baby classes?

It might depend where you live. I've made good friends at nursery and on the school run, but I live on a very friendly estate in a smallish town where you're very likely to run into each other outside of school runs too. I don't know that it would have been the same when I lived in London.