To think it's impossible to make friends when you have two young kids

I think it's hard to make time for friendships when you have young children. I think it's better to get to know people that are in your circles with kids the same age. This doesn't mean that you will definitely forget a lifelong friendship but it's something you can build on and you might get lucky. Even then I those types of friendships have a shelf life and you drift apart when the children get older and you aren't going to the same child based or school events.

But you seem to be implying that there is a finite number of friends you can have.
This isn't the case at all.
Someone can have a "close knit friendship group" with one group of people and still have other friends, including other really good friends.

Have you met any new people via your baby? I have 2 DC, now adults and one of them was in a really great school year group and I’m still friends with several of the parents. The other child was in a different year and I didn’t click with any of them at all.

Trying to attend some different groups etc might open up new acquaintances. They only became real friends after a considerable time though. Having said that I wouldn’t think it remotely weird to be invited for a coffee after a couple of meetings and chats.

@Meowingtwice Literally every mum I have met had mentioned holidaying with groups of friends and their families. Makes me feel so bad that we don’t have anything like that

The thing I struggle with is that all the mums at our school seem to have established friendship groups outside and whilst they are open to meeting up for play dates etc I’m not sure they are really looking for the same. Will see how it goes but I do wish there were ways to meet other people who are missing out on having a group

Also, we rarely met up with the kids to be honest, largely because I was working full time. Sometimes we did stuff together with other familes at the weekend, but more than one or two families becomes unmanageable pretty quickly. We met up in the evenings: drinks, supper, parties, as well as school events.

To be honest I found it easier to make friends when I had pre-school/primary school aged children than any other time in my life. Some of which have turned into really close friends.

Good. I am glad the thread has been helpful to help you reflect.

I think sometimes when I'm reading threads on MN, people underestimate the value of those friendships that are 'of a time' or even 'of a place' - like the passing friendships many of us have with parents of our dcs' schoolmates. But it also applies to those people you work with for a time, or those people who happen to have a baby at the same time as you, or people who happen to study the same course as you. You have things in common automatically (whatever has made the connection) and that 'friendliness' might only last for the duration of that situation, but it doesn't make it any less supportive or even fun than friends you might know for longer.
There is also a numbers game involved - the more people you are open to be 'friendly with', the higher the odds are of you just connecting with someone with whom you go on to have a deeper friendship. However when that doesn't happen, it shouldn't mean that the shorter term friendships are not valuable for their duration.

Meet up with the nice friend you met in the evenings? Do a class or walk together? Don’t involve the little ones.

You could join the PTA at your little one's school and get involved with activities there - a good way to meet lots of parents and see who you hit it off with? You can also try local toddler/baby groups - I met some nice mums there and would often meet up with some of them in the park or for coffee. Ended up with a wide group of acquaintances and 3 or 4 close friends which suits me fine!

I’m struggling too. I have people I’m friendly with at the park and bus stop - had my eldest during covid and moved shortly after when people were still doing bubbles and anxious about everything.

My close friends are an hour drive away and most of us don’t drive, so we see each other every 3 months. I know local friendships will form, it just takes time. I thought I had one last summer, very similar values on the surface but she turned out to be VERY attached to some conspiracy theories and things. To the point where I had to stop chatting with her at even a casual level once my son started asking questions about some things she said.

Things will click eventualky OP. Some slow burn friends and maybe some insta friends. For me it will also take being less exhausted. Right now I’m not doing well at following through with texting or making plans.

Honestly I think if your approach to food is limiting your ability to make/sustain friendships that’s quite unusual and not very healthy overall. It is normal for kids to have treats on playdates and won’t harm them, and even if it is excessive you can manage it without entirely discarding the relationship. Good friendships are as important to provide/facilitate and model as eating healthily.

Have you tried inviting some of the school mums back to your house for an end of term get together? Kids can play with each other and the parents can chat and socialise. I've found those were really effective ways to forge friendships with people locally.

I just don’t like clutchy people iyswim? I don’t want to be friends with someone that’s desperate for any friend. I like it to evolve naturally with many meetings as natural as possible with no expectations. My swimming friend, we just chatted each week (which was lovely btw) until we eventually arranged met in the park before swimming, then time went by & we arranged a theme park, then a meal etc. all the time that’s passing, we’re building foundations. I appreciate I might be odd but I’d had a woman (again at swimming) that latched onto me for dear life and I got v claustrophobic with it. It was smothering.

Edited to add : I’m not saying you’re clutchy op, you actually seem lovely & not clutchy at all🥰

I have a mum friend who is vegan and we share 2 mutual friends. We are not vegan. She also home schools her 2 sons. Honestly if her criteria was not just that our kids get on, and we get on (both true) but also that we had "similar values" such as veganism, not drinking, homeschool, banning certain TV shows etc. she wouldn't be friends with any of the 3 of us.

We moved town when our kids were just turning 4 and 2. Starting a new nursery at the same time as everyone else made life much easier and most of my friends are from the kids' primary years. We occasionally consider moving again but I can't conceive of starting again without kids as an automatic "in".