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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas became a family obligation

37 replies

Magicunicornpower · 10/11/2024 16:34

My PIL, me and my husband, my SIL, husband and their son, now 18 yo, together for Christmas since I joined the family, apart from 2 of these years that DH and I, now with a 4yo, spent it with my parents in my home country.
This year we decided to do something we've been talking about for some time, spending Christmas with dear friends that have a DS same age as our DD for Christmas holidays (5days) The main reason to want something different this year is that we are frankly fed up of trying to get the spirits high during the hours we are at PIL till we are all invited to leave as PIL eventually get tired (although they refuse to have us hosting Christmas) SIL also makes the move just after opening the presents. By 6pm we are at home, after 3/4h seated on the sofa watching tv and trying to avoid inevitable boredom from our DD.
To avoid PIL disappointment we planned celebrating our child's birthday, that is a few days before Christmas, with a nice family lunch, presents etc. A bit of a 2 in1 family celebration. We've done the same over the years we celebrated abroad with my parents.
Now MIL is making us feel guilty as she wants to build Christmas memories with our DD and celebrating Christmas a week before Christmas is not the same (fair enough) However, we also want to make memories with our DD and we want her to have fun, and excitement and remember Christmas as something more than opening presents. We argued that PIL will have plenty of time during Christmas holidays to take her out to see Santa, Christmas lights etc... but FIL can't be bothered not even to show up for a playdate with her and MIL says she can't drive far from our area as she gets lost! All this drama for one day in the calendar when there's another 364days of the year that they can show interest in making memories! So the question is AIBU in wanting a Christmas that pleases our family of 3 at least for once!

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 15/11/2024 12:16

Magicunicornpower · 15/11/2024 11:49

Quick update as I really would like to hear what other MIL/ grandmothers on mumsnet would think if their children decides to take a Christmas break away from the traditional family Christmas dinner. DH is gutted as his family is making a big drama about this. They are really playing the victim card and making him feel very selfish. He considered cancelling holidays now.

I'm both mil and gp.

Don't give in to them and tell your husband to bloody grow up.

Soddingcat · 15/11/2024 12:15

Tell them they can build memories the week before
no memories are made sitting on a sofa
it’s up to them if they can’t be arsed …

Autumn38 · 15/11/2024 12:13

increasinglyconcerned · 10/11/2024 17:14

I've noticed as children get older the draw of the grandparents house becomes less and less. My brother one year declared they would do Christmas at home as a family of 4 and never came again!

A few years later DHs brother did the same thing. Prior to that BIL would rock up to PIL house a few days early and bed in for almost a week with the kids. They clearly enjoyed the extra help with them, and having their meals cooked for them. Once the kids grew up they decided it wasn't worth the formality of Christmas Day and now they don't show up until Boxing Day, then they're in/out same day or next day.

Ultimately people want to relax Christmas Day and it's not relaxing being in someone else's home, nor is it waking up in yours and driving to someone else's. Let the kids run riot and enjoy relaxing with your friends! Life is too short!

that’s fair enough but I hope your DB and BIL reciprocated for all of the years they were hosted and invited the GPs to them instead!

ABirdsEyeView · 15/11/2024 12:10

I automatically harden my resolve against anyone who tries to guilt trip me into always doing what they want. Laying on the guilts is a selfish thing to do. Why waste time worrying about the wishes of people who don't care about your wishes, in return?

If you cancel your holiday, you will resent them for forcing you into it - this won't make for a happy Christmas.

Your dh is struggling because he has the emotional bonds to his family that you don't share in the same way - doesn't mean you should allow yourselves to be manipulated by them though.

FergussSingsTheBlues · 15/11/2024 12:09

Tell you what op, my kids are 15&12
and this Christmas will by the second Christmas EVER on our own - break this habit now.

DPotter · 15/11/2024 12:08

Your DH can do as he pleases but you can go with your DD on your holiday. Your PIL are being very unreasonable and really your DH knows this.

Be calm with him - tell him that you will be going away anyway and he's welcome to go to his parents or come with you. Rince and repeat as necessary.

All this 'building memories' is just a way to guilt you.

OAPapparently · 15/11/2024 12:05

Your in-laws desire to “make memories” should not override your desire to do the same. To be honest, if I was guilt-tripped like that I would dig my heels in more and do what I wanted. It doesn’t sound like it’s a very enjoyable Christmas for you with PIL, it’s your Christmas too.

flapjackfairy · 15/11/2024 11:59

I am a grandmother and my adult married daughter comes for Christmas day every year . She lives a few minutes away with her young family so that makes it easy but over the years various family members have come to stay for up.to a fortnight. .I love hosting but there is no obligation at all on anyone. I have to accept that my own children are ( mostly ) adults and have their own lives and if they choose to do it differently one year ( or every year ) that is their prerogative. Your children are little for such a short time so do what you want . They are being v unreasonable esp.as they don't even make much effort. Your children come first x

Original poster
Magicunicornpower · 15/11/2024 11:49

Quick update as I really would like to hear what other MIL/ grandmothers on mumsnet would think if their children decides to take a Christmas break away from the traditional family Christmas dinner. DH is gutted as his family is making a big drama about this. They are really playing the victim card and making him feel very selfish. He considered cancelling holidays now.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/11/2024 17:23

You've politely told them your plans. If they continue to give you a hard time about it, be completely honest about why this year will be different. If they can't understand your reasoning, tell them the it's not up for discussion.

increasinglyconcerned · 10/11/2024 17:14

I've noticed as children get older the draw of the grandparents house becomes less and less. My brother one year declared they would do Christmas at home as a family of 4 and never came again!

A few years later DHs brother did the same thing. Prior to that BIL would rock up to PIL house a few days early and bed in for almost a week with the kids. They clearly enjoyed the extra help with them, and having their meals cooked for them. Once the kids grew up they decided it wasn't worth the formality of Christmas Day and now they don't show up until Boxing Day, then they're in/out same day or next day.

Ultimately people want to relax Christmas Day and it's not relaxing being in someone else's home, nor is it waking up in yours and driving to someone else's. Let the kids run riot and enjoy relaxing with your friends! Life is too short!

ABirdsEyeView · 10/11/2024 16:58

Yanbu. The in-laws might even find it a relief to be freed from the obligation to host!

No one should feel obliged to do something they don't want to every year - don't let them guilt trip you and enjoy your Christmas.

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