Christmas became a family obligation

How many years have you done Christmas Day like this? Can't see how it's selfish to have one year of difference. More the reverse. My MIL has had many Christmases with one of her children and grandchildren on the other side of the world - yours should realise how lucky they are.

I have two children and five grandchildren all under the age of 6 and living locally. At the moment I am alternating between them at their request but I have also told them that I am really happy with Dad and I having a quiet one and seeing them on the many days off over the Christmas period. What I don't want is for them to be feeling 'oh its our turn this year with mum and dad'. We are quite happy to have a quiet Christmas day and don't want them to feel any guilt about it whatsoever. I had many years doing Xmas with the same relatives and it can get boring, best to change it up some years. Its one day!! dont be made to feel guilty about it

We did my son's first and second Xmases with each set of grandparents and then decided to keep it just us at home, and I love it. The grandparents had their turn with their own families. My MIL likes to lay on the guilt but she's had 30+ years of her kids at her house for Xmas. It's my turn now.

We used to alternate with the inlaws every year until one year eldest SIL said they were having xmas as a nuclear family from then on. Now PILs are alone every year for xmas and we have the family do between xmas and new year.
Bottom line is do what is best for your family. You don’t get many magical Christmas’ when they are young. Don’t waste them all with inlaws who can’t be arsed to make any effort. If they were bothered about ‘making memories’ they’d jump on the Santa trips, the lights displays, pantos and all the other things that come at xmas. They can’t be arsed with any of that so they don’t get to dictate xmas day

I hate the manipulation some parents put on their children. Honestly it makes me want to go the other way. In your shoes I would say no more Christmas ever with them if they carry this on!

I feel sorry for the 18-year-old in this situation, they’re probably bored witless.

I detest pretty much everything associated with the word 'tradition'. This sort of thing is precisely why.

Too often, it means something more along the lines of 'unwritten diktat'.

Stick to your guns and keep to your original plans with the DC. DH's choices are that he comes with you or goes to his parents alone. Break the precedent now.

Apologies - missed that.

That’s fair enough then - enjoy your holiday! Tell DH that you’re having a change this year and they’ll be fine.

Oh my, you are a saint. I would have stopped that tradition years ago.

What about your parents, OP?

Please definitely stick with your gut. Some of my best Xmas are ones where my parents chose to spend Xmas with their best friends (my godparents) who also had kids a similar age to us. Whereas Xmas with the older grandparents quite frankly was lots of time in the car, followed by lots of being polite and quiet to suit them. My parents got to have a few drinks with their friends, we were an age where we played safely in the home with our friends the same age and everyone was happy!

The year before we spent Christmas at home as family of 4 was the last one we did with all the family!
It has been great spending time eating what we want and chilling out and not worry about anyone else.
We see everyone in the run up to the day but not on it and only when suits everyone (not just other people)
This year we may actually go to SIL's for lunch but we will go late morning and be home in the evening

We have 5 children and 5 grandchildren between us. Every Christmas we have a chat about who is doing what and where-sometimes we go to one of the childrens, sometimes they come to us, sometimes they have a friends Christmas, sometimes they're oversees or away. We supply the meat for the dinner so we just need to know where and how many to cater for turkey- wise. I can't be doing with "it's our turn this year, you went to xyz last year" but I do appreciate we are not necessarily the norm!

This happens a lot, and for me the time to stop it is when your own DCs arrive and you begin to make your own traditions - which can still include your own parents of course

Yes they may be disappointed to start with, but you might as well be firm or you'll still be in the same situation years down the line, especially if they learn that making a huge fuss will change your minds

So when does your child and your family get to have the Christmas and traditions that YOU want? When your kids are all grown up and then you realise it's too late ? Just stop this nonsense now. They will get over it and by next year it will be so much easier to do it again.

OP, your husband is being guilted by his parents who are selfish.

You get to decide about your Christmas and your childs day.

TELL your husband that YOU are going to friends and HE can go to his parents.

Stop being controlled and manipulated.

We wouldn’t leave PIL alone either - but we don’t offer to host now our DC are older, we insist on hosting. Once DS1 had a girlfriend and obviously wanted to spend some time with her we said we needed to be at home, not 80 miles away. We also decide whether we’re cooking at lunchtime or 5-6 - depends on what DC are doing. We’ve had a little attempt to pushback on us not going to them and on dinner at 5-6, but we just say that’s how it will be. I always had Christmas dinner at 5-6 when I was a kid, whether at home or DGPs, and DH likes it at that time as well now, but don’t mind lunchtime if that works. I keep smiling and cheery and welcoming - but I don’t be dictated to just because something was a habit in DH’s family.

We had a similar situation with my PIL when our DC were small. PIL wanted every Christmas to be a re-run of when DH was small (basically sitting around all day very slowly opening presents, but not playing with any of them, and watching old TV specials). I got very irritated that they were not willing to adjust what they did on Xmas day and that they argued that it was 'just one day' when they wanted us to do things their way but 'the most important day of the year' if we suggested seeing them on a different day. We stuck it out and invited them to come to us (so no one was being left out) and did things our way (presents opened when DC want to, lots of playing with new toys, trip to the park after lunch for anyone who wants some fresh air etc). After the first year they accepted it and I think actually quite enjoyed a change of scenery/not having to cook etc.

Surely he must recognise it's not normally possible to spend every year in the same place - many of us are stuck alternating between two sets of parents for example!

You can't get what you want all the time - and that includes our parents, and his parents.

When my son was born we spent a couple of years doing long drives, alternating, and not having much fun. Now we always spend christmas day at ours. Much better.

ask your h where he spent xmas as a child? was every year at his maternal grandparents' house?

stick to your guns and start a new habit of rotating where you go each year. that way every gets a year of what they want.

Have a lovely Christmas your way this year.

Before Christmas, have a discussion with the other parents about number/type of gifts their DC is getting and when they open presents. Just to avoid a situation where one child has a huge pile of things to open and the other has a small stocking or one child receives a gift the other desperately wanted.

As a one off it is fine to bypass family at Christmas and have a beaut holiday with friends.
I think it is really mean spirited to make a habit of it.

Christmas is special for families. You can change the family customs to include things you want. And you can offer to host, take it in turns etc. but leaving older members of the family alone is not an option I'd ever consider.

No one can "make" you or your husband feel anything (I know that whilst this is the truth it sometimes doesn't feel like it!) but between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time.

And if you don't go and stick to your guns then nothing will happen - what will they do, cut you off - that would be counterproductive. My view would be to shut the conversation down. We are doing x, I'm not discussing it mum/dad and change the subject. Shut it down every time, they think they can wear you down, need to be clear that you are not changing. Are they emotionally devious - will one of them pretend to be ill?

I agree with you, the drama for one day is stupid isn't it.

Both of my children are abroad this year so I've just made other arrangements. It's not like they're going to be sitting there on their own is it! All this making memories stuff is just rubbish anyway.