AIBU to think 'hit them back' is inappropriate to tell a 5 year old?

Oh no! I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice.

My (unformed, probably not-at-all useful advice) might be, if you risk confusing him further by telling him that this isn't the rule, could you tell him that yes it is the rule but it's the rule for adults if you are trapped and can't run away (or whatever: basically, some set of circumstances that won't apply to him). Then he won't have the confusion of conflicting rules to handle.

Your DH has been an idiot here. These boys are not being physical or aggressive with your son, they are being mean and running away. Teaching him to hit a child if the child is mean (as per your last update and the newest stupid shit to come out your husbands mouth) is only going to get your son into trouble.

Talk to DH this evening and make him understand why he can't say what he has said. Imagine a day comes where a couple of these lads run off and your son chases them and starts swinging?

There is a big difference between trying to teach a child to stick up for themselves and fight back IF they find themselves in a physical altercation and teaching your child they have the right to lay hands on someone if they are doing something they perceive to be mean.

But no one is hitting the child here.

Deterrence is irrelevant, therefore. So is reputation-building (because if this kid starts hitting he is going to be even further ostracized and teased).

Absolute sad acts for reporting the phrase big girls blouse. What a site!

That's terrible advice in the situation you have described. I'd be confused by it (and I'm a neurotypical adult).

I think 'hit back' can be good advice in some extremely limited circumstances.

Here, it makes no sense at all (there's no 'back'), will make him seem even less sympathetic to his peers, puts him at risk of being disciplined by the school, and totally confuses him about rules and about violence.

Socially support playing football at lunch.

The bullies can go do gardening club, spend time in a small group away from others and learn to be kind.

You might be better posting on sen board op. Asd kids can have very set ideas of rules. When my husband in his wisdom told my asd dc to hit to defend himself. He took it as - lamp anyone who mildly irritated him. 😤
So doesn't always work with asd kids

I think it is awful that the other parents watched their boys bullying another child at a party - if I had been at the party with my ds I would have called him over if I saw him excluding a dc by running away and he would have had short shrift.

Fighting back if you're being attacked is fine, both for children and adults.

Hitting someone because they don't want to play with you is a completely different scenario. Initiating physical violence is never acceptable.

Your DH needs to be clearer with his messaging.

Wrt to the playground problems, I would focus on getting to the bottom of why he won't play with the girls or the less confident/quiet boys. Building his confidence to the point where he can feel comfortable playing with everyone is the way forward. Is he getting messages of toxic masculinity from your DH? Is that why girls aren't acceptable playmates?

What are the school doing to address this bullying?

As an aside; no it’s not good advice at all but there is something to be said for teaching them to defend themselves. I remember as a child my brother was bullied for weeks and weeks. He was getting hit, not retaliating, school useless. Eventually my Mum had enough and said right, next time X hits you, you are allowed to hit back.

My brother thumped him only the once and lo and behold, the bullying stopped!

This is not advice I would give or how I parent but just saying this might be what your husband is getting at. Sometimes bullies need a firm response to back off.

It’s actually much harder to address this psychological cruelty and running away from him :(

Try out of school activities to build confidence such as beavers or boys brigade or sen teams such as football etc.

I had to teach mine social interaction as they didn't have a clue. We did quite a bit if role play just me and dc.

This is very good advice.

Agree with all this. Speak to school and ask about all these things. I hope he’s ok.

Then you are setting them up for problems.
It is bad advice and anyone who hits anyone at school will get the same consequence regardless who started it.
It also doesn’t ‘scare bullies into backing down’ the majority of kids who bully do so because of what they see around them, and never back down because that would be seen as weak.

I teach mine strong arms - arm straight infront of you and shout NO very loudly if child is being physically unkind

These boys are being unkind but they any being violent so totally inappropriate to tell dc that esp one that's rule driven.

I'd focus on social stories of what makes a good friend, how a good friend should treat you, situations where people are being unkind and how they aren't worth being friends with.

I told both of mine to hit back, and I stand by it.

You are absolutely right the old hit them back they will leave you alone doesn’t exist in real life. It just creates a vendetta.

As a teacher, please don’t tell your children to hit back. Best case scenario both your child and the unkind child will get in trouble. Worst (and common) case scenario your child interprets it as if someone says something unkind hit them - then only your child gets in trouble.
Also remember that once your child is 10 hitting a child at school becomes assault and if a parent wants to follow it up with the police they can, that’s rare, I’ve known it happen twice in 20 years working in education.

Your husband is completely in the wrong in this situation and could end up making it so much worse for your son. This group of boys clearly aren’t a good match as friends for your son and vice versa. And that is ok. Friendships can’t be forced. I’d definitely speak to the teacher and see if she can gently encourage your son towards other children in the class. I think it’s hard all round these days for children who are ND but also for peers who are NT, especially very young children who don’t think like adults and have the same understanding. I hope your son finds friends he clicks with OP, he sounds a very sociable boy.

If you want to raise doormats and snowflakes, sure tell them not to hit back. If you want your child to have some chance at protecting themselves against bullies and to not be a target in the first please, tell them to hit back harder.

Definately speak to school. They may be able to buddy him with some children who might be more open to interacting with him.

Also consider after school activities/clubs if you can. Children can't run away from each in most of those.