To ask DH to continue to work

Has he seen a life coach or therapist?

He probably can’t afford to on top of everything else!

Sit down and look at the figures.
You cannot cash in private pensions til 55 so how many years til then? What amount is needed to live off?
If dh is about to crash and burn then lots to consider
What sick pay does he get if he has a mh crisis?

The three hour walks x 2 on weekends is that a new thing? Has he seen a life coach or therapist?

So, you want your husband to continue hammering himself with a job he doesn't want to do anymore simply to fund your lifestyle? Right. What concessions are you willing to make if your husband continues as he is?

If he's stressed and burnt out he'd be better avoiding getting in to farming.

If you can't fund your lifestyle, you can't have it. Compromise. Downsize to outer London.

OP could also have been answering her own question?

OP has also clarified that she does work, just doesn't earn as much.

My thought too

I think it’s dreadful that you’re happy to accept that your happiness in life is being provided by someone for whom that effort is making them hate their own.

Do you not care about his welfare, or is it all about you?

I used to know a lot of women like this and I think it’s so selfish. If you want that lifestyle, contribute towards it! If working harder means you like your life less then welcome to his world!

Being a women ≠ being able to force someone else to fund your chosen lifestyle.

Very true!

My husband had this too: burnt out from his city job and the relentless demands of his boss. We moved out to the home counties near good state schools. We have a nice house and a not-very-swanky lifestyle. He now runs his own business and I stepped up my work commitments. We can easily go to London in 30 mins on the train to the theatre or the shops or galleries. There are plenty of good local entertainment and eating options too.

As your children get to the teen years, weekends are mainly about their sporting and social commitments.They won't want to go on days out like they do now. They will want to be as independent as possible.

I would say rent out your current house and rent a home counties house to see if you could make the change. Maybe a year out might change your husband's mind too. I'd advise going for a market town, not deepest countryside. Nothing worse than constantly driving teens around.

but if you’re going to pick someone up on something…. probably best to double check

However i agree with you here.

op - whatever the outcome is, you need to accept that your current lifestyle is not sustainable. if your h cannot keep working as he is, and you can't earn enough to bridge the gap, then you have to make changes.

I guess this is the woman from earlier who comes on here when she is bored to wind people up. No one is this obtuse in real life.

Say it is mortgage free, you have got to fund buying a new house out of that plus at least 20 years living expenses AND a pension for the remainder of your lives. You also mention paying off debts.

And at least 2 (maybe more as the OP mentions ‘all’ of the children) sets of private school fees!

Well, you know where the door is, don't you.

I think there is a middle ground needed here, it’s not realistic to give up work in mid 40s and expect to get a job in a zoo or run a small farm. There’s a lot to learn, has he experience in this field? Also your kids are used to being city kids, I presume they are coming up to teens, he needs to think carefully before just plonking them in the middle of nowhere, it will be massive for them too. You would to be near a town
where there’s things for them to do. Or they will get bored. Though on the other hand your husband is telling u he is on burn out. You have to help protect his mental health. Can he talk to his boss in the first instance on how he’s feeling? Start there, is there a compromise in his job. Can u move to the country when dc have completed secondary education?

Your husband wants to live his life too and he wants time to spend with his family and for himself. He doesn’t get to enjoy the lifestyle you enjoy as he is too busy working to pay it all. You need to find a compromise, not a second property and more bills added to the man’s stress! Do you not think your kids would benefit from more time with their father rather than a private education?

That's not going to work when the DCs want to be meeting up with their friends and you're imposing a move to the weekend cottage on them either.

I personally could not and would not move to the country to live like that; I would be miserable and hate it. And that would likely end our marriage if that's all my husband wanted to do.

You two sound like you have very different ideas about what you want the second half of your lives to look like. You need to talk.

At the same time, you can't expect him to burn out funding what you want in London. You may need to get a better job. You may need to downsize your home and move further out but on a train line. You may need to put your children in state schools if they're currently in private schools to free up some money for your husband to cut back on his working hours.

You need to talk to your husband about both your expectations going forward, not just yours.

Do you work full time?

Probably the many, many posters replying to her to tell she's being unreasonable.

erm, all of the other posters on this thread pointing out that her expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic....

Then why do you feel entitled to a lifestyle you cannot afford?

If you are in your 40s and he is talking about selling the London house to fund early retirment the London house must be worth A LOT and the downsize planned must be drastic.

Say it is mortgage free, you have got to fund buying a new house out of that plus at least 20 years living expenses AND a pension for the remainder of your lives. You also mention paying off debts.

Be honest - is it enough?

If you own a prety high value house in London, there are plenty of ways to downsize pretty heavily and stay in London. But it will involve you adjusting your lifestyle expectations.

You mention that you have debts to clear, so it depends on what type of debt you have.

You could move the children to state schools, reduce your outgoings in that way and perhaps DH would be able to find a less stressful job that would ease the pressure, particularly if you found a job that pays better too OP.

If he’s set on living the lifestyle of a country squire though, that’s not going to happen where you are now.

Is there a compromise move to the outskirts of London?