To ask DH to continue to work

Of course you are not unreasonable. You are still young, have quite young children and enjoy all that London has to offer. Your husband may yearn for the country life, people often do, but the reality does not alwaysl ive up to expectations. I've known some people who have done that and wish they hadn't.

Does your husband even know what sort of job he would do in the country, or does his firm have several branches?

Never mind that husband earns a lot more than you, that should not give him the upper hand in marriage. You do earn and contribute, would you be able to find a suitable job, there are endless questions.

You could, if you could afford it, buy a small place, maybe a flat, somewhere desirable in the country and spend long weekends and holidays there, I think it is still possible to get a buy-to-let mortgage and you don't have to let (though you could let sometimes during holiday periods). If you don't like it after a while or don't use it enough, you can sell. That's just a thought.

Stick to your guns. You're a partnership and your life sounds pretty good as it is.
If your husband finds his current occupation too stressful, encourage him to look for something else. If he is well qualified and experienced he's young enough to have a change of career.

Maybe, I assume so. But it does not take away from the fact that, well, he might die.

So what happens if he decides to quit and get a divorce? Is it likely both you and him will have to live outside London.

You are in a difficult position because you are relying on someone else for your finances and lifestyle. And while many think they can rely on their husbands, that’s only true until it’s not.

A compromise needs to be reached. Divorce might sound dramatic but if he is really unhappy that’s where it could head and it’s always best to plan for the worst.

What debts do you have??

I thought this. Even assuming your London house is worth 2 million plus and you only have 2 kids, I dont see how the figures stack up for a couple in their 40s. Kids not yet in secondary. 2 x secondary private is around 200K per kid (secondary is 7 years, assuming 25k per year, not taking into account the extra incoming 14/15% VAT increase and future rises, 25K x 7 = £175K plus uniform, trips etc at least 200K per kid). So thats 400K for school fees. Assuming both go to unis and get full tuition loans, means tested minimum maintenance loans on your income/assets means you will still have to provide say 10K per kid per year could be 4y courses so that 80K for uni. Learning to drive, both will need a car if you're out in the country, so thats lets say another 50K. House in the country to meet yiur standards, depends where it is but will be, what, at least 650K, more if southeast. Existing debts to pay off. That's 1.5 mill ish gone already. Maybe your house is worth 3 million. Is 1.5 million enough to live on for thenext 40 years potentially for a cpuple that like theatre, restaurants, art galleries? 2 mill house its 500K left which will all go on school fees and uni. Ok pensions, investments, maybe its doable if your house is worth millions, but still got a lot of life and paying for expensive teens to go. Has he definitely thought the figures through?

And pay for bills/all outgoings and multiple private school fees for decades without your husband needing to work?!

Agreed.

I took a career change that halved my income recently. I knew I was heading to a heart attack if I didn't.

DH supported me whole heartedly. But then we have alternated being higher earners and neither depend on the other for their lifestyle. We made sure our outgoings meant we could live on much lower salaries if needed

This. You can;t expect your husband to carry on at this pace to fund your extremely privileged lifestyle.
I totally appreciate the hard work associated with caring for children but have you considered working FT (if u don't already) to share the financial burden.
I totally understand not wanting to move but compromise is the key here. Downsize ?
Hope it all works out

Honestly you both sound unreasonable.
His plan sounds half baked and unrealistic.
Moving to the countryside with kids about to become teenagers can be a terrible idea.
Otoh, you can't just let him burn out.
There has to be a middle ground between an expensive bit of London and private school, and some remote farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

Typical…Nearly all men at my work are in this situation. The wives are oblivious and persuade them not to give up work! These guys are not in a good mental state. I wouldn't say I like it when women say - oh, I make so little compared to my husband…. Now, you find yourself in a situation where your husband imposes his choices on you. Go and get yourself a good-paying job. If you want to stay in London, go and work/retrain so that not everything falls on your husband. Why do women still keep on doing this? I chose to study hard, work hard in London and make considerably more money than my husband. Why do you put yourself in a situation where you depend on a man?!

indeed

but that wasn’t the pp’s point

All the finances in the world can't shield her children from the pain of bereavement

oh come off it

he will have life assurance and polices up to his eyeballs

she will be sorted

If he's stressed you might want to think about life as a young widow without the income he brings.

OP YABVVU to insist on keeping this very expensive lifestyle that you're barely contributing to. I know very few people of your age with everything, unless they have inherited wealth or two high earners. Big house near Central London, multiple children in private school AND the disposable income for constant shopping , theatre and concerts.
There's usually a compromise on at least one of these things.

Your husband sounds like he's on the brink of burnout which if it happens will 100% lead to you losing everything. Never mind the fact that if you really loved him. You wouldn't put his happiness over 'lifestyle'.

Poor guy.

You don't seem to have taken on board that your husband is clearly struggling. It's all about the effect on you and your lifestyle. The man sounds like he's on the edge and you're wittering about being close to art galleries.

Same.

If he's that unhappy and stressed he'll end up with a heart attack, burnout or other health condition soon. Far better if he stops on his own terms. One way or another his body will make the decision for him otherwise.

I sold my business when I was 54. I carried on working in the business for a couple of days a week, and now work just one day a week. We lived off the profit from the sale, it paid for the remaining school fees and allowed us to become debt free. Last year I took my pension 10 mnths early so with what I earn, and my pension, my income is now back at pre sale of business level. In fact it is more.
We sold a second home because we saw the writing on the wall.
We now have a big cushion of savings, we’ve halved our living costs and neither DH nor I need to work.

But, in 2021 I was diagnosed with breast cancer, 6 months later DH had a stroke and last week I lost my little sister ( 56).

You have no idea what is in store. Given the opportunity I would always recommend slowing down if you can. If your DH wants to change direction, the decision will not have been taken lightly. If it’s not for you maybe now is the time to part company before you both become bitter and resentful. Forcing your DH to continue in a job he hates because you like an expensive lifestyle is pretty selfish.

I think you can argue that you should not move until they finished school. I don't think children should be moved unless absolutely necessary.

I went to 8 schools. Never did me any harm. Made me flexible if anything.

Is he your husband or your ATM?

He's not just a money making machine or is thst all you care about?

He sounds like someone who is burnt out and needs a change? Surely his mental health and happiness matter just as much as your.

Have you actually discussed this with him? Have you proposed any compromises? Have your yourself done anything to help?

If you aren't the one contributing to the lifestyle, then you aren't the one who should dictate it.

I think I'd be doing an audit on our finances as a starter.

• what's his pension like, is early retirement an option now/soon?
• could he reduce his hours to get a better work/life balance?
• could you increase your income to offset the above?
• is retraining or qualifications an option for you/him to move roles?
• can you reduce your private education costs?
• can you downsize your home but remain in London?
• could you move a little further out but still be within the LU zones?

Would taking some time off immediately help? Is he so unwell that he needs signing off by the GP? Could you afford some decent career switching advice for him, someone who specialises in transferable skills and could suggest areas that might be a good fit for him that are outside his current area? Would people in his work network be of help in suggesting areas of work for him to consider?

Apologies to Mark Twain @Butchyrestingface

I'm willing to bet she sounded better saying it though. Woman has a tone...

Assuming you aren’t just on a bored wind-up - how much is your house worth that you could sell it, buy a house mortgage-free in another part of the U.K (your salary won’t be enough for a mortgage and zoo keeper jobs are hard to come by in the English countryside, not to mention badly paid) and live on the capitol for 40 odd years, including paying for school and uni fees and potentially have a ‘small farm’.

You and your DH seems to have being divorced from reality in common, at least.