To ask DH to continue to work

If you move as he wishes, then you may be very disappointed, lonely and miss London terribly. I met a woman on a train who did exactly this and she also didn't drive, so she was very isolated in the countryside.

And if you don't move then he may be very disappointed and upset. His 3-hr walks sound as if he's anxious to be outside a lot.

There is a compromise here. Perhaps it's a weekend house in the home counties or by the sea. Perhaps it's a big house with a pied-a-terre in London.
I think you both need to discuss what you want from your lives together and find a way so you're both happy. Otherwise this could end in divorce as your individual wants are currently poles apart.

IMHO YABU to expect your DH to remain in his current job if he doesn’t like it.

If he’s fed up with life, you should be concerned. Men can struggle to admit they’re getting burned out or unhappy. He’s clearly trying to tell you he is. He may even be struggling with his mental health. We often hanker after the simple life when we’re under huge pressure.

But you don’t necessarily have to sell your home and move to a different place. Could a compromise not be struck? If you haven’t already, I suggest you tot up all your current spending (mortgage and household bills, school fees etc), work out if there’s anything you can cut back on and then end up with a total.

That’s the amount you need to earn between you after tax etc. If your children are both at school, and you’re fit and able, it’s only fair you aim to earn half each. If you can’t earn half yourself, then you’ll have to look how you can further cut down on non-essential spending your DH isn’t so bothered about.

This could well mean your DH could work in the same job on a part-time basis, giving him time to garden (including in your own garden or better still at a community garden project or community farm), walk and potter about. Or, he may be able to move to a job he enjoys more and gives him a better work/life balance.

Very odd that someone could have so little self awareness. The words entitled and selfish don’t even touch the sides here.

Agreed. Just in these last few weeks we’ve had multiple family members almost fall down dead and cancer diagnoses are coming out of our esrs

from all these incredibly healthy people.

Why do you think the kids wouldn’t get as good a quality schooling outside of London? There are far better schools outside of London.

It doesn't sound reasonable of you to expect DH to keep on walking so hard to support a lifestyle he doesn't want. Nor is it reasonable of him to expect you to move somewhere you don't want to live.
Somehow you need to keep talking about what you both want out of life and see if you can find a compromise. There may be one if you start off speaking generally rather than specifically - eg 'I want more leisure time and to spend it in fresh air and peace and greenery,' rather than 'I want to move to a medieval cottage in a small Devon village'; 'I want to go to theatre and see an exhibition at least once a month' rather than 'I want to live right in an expensive part of London'.
If you can't find a compromise you may have to consider splitting up, so it is worth some careful thought.

@Yuuu9 couldn’t agree more. On another thread I was made to feel guilty for working until 7pm and having a nanny help with my children. What’s the alternative though: to rely on DH to fund my lovely house shopping trips..

He might. In the case that I've mentioned upthread, the couple hadn't sorted this out, because they "didn't expect anything to happen".

I think you’re being incredibly unfair.

my husband has an incredible job and like you I don’t work and we have zero money worries. We have a tech company that I do secretary type work but don’t get paid as such I just obviously live my DH etc

however I have always always said to him that im more than happy to downsize. Get smaller house and move if he wants out of his job.

I want my DH to be happy and I love him. I’ve lived without money and food at one point but I wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of all that and work full time to let him live too

its called love?

I personally think you’re being pretty disgusting not even thinking about this.

Maybe YOU should marry her.

Aye. You never know what life will throw at you.

A relative had an older partner who was a SAHD. He was very fit and seemed younger than his age. He'd retired early and had a decent pension. She had very good savings and had paid off the house. Their child expressed upset over her being away for work so much. They were based abroad; their house was being rented out while they were away (for some years).

They agreed that she would quit her job and they'd return to England where she'd have two years out of work. (She was in her 40s at the time.)

A fortnight before they were due to fly home, her partner died of a heart attack.

This boils down to a husband earning a large income whist a wife just potters around and loves life, and it sounds like he's sick of it. You are being very unreasonable not to consider his mental wellbeing here, he is telling you he is not happy with the current situation and tbh it's time for you to either reduce your standard of living (which is what he is requesting) or step up and earn what he does (which you say you can't), or some blend of the two.

Alternately you could divorce him now whilst the going is good financially but literally no-one would think well of you for that and you'd have to live with your conscience.

You sound miffed that it's a turnaround from the way things have always been but that's just tough really, it's how it is - we all have to work with a changing reality sometimes and it's best to accept it with good grace.

Find a compromise and show willing if you want to save your marriage.

Reading this thread I thought to myself "I bet if the OP comes back to upate she won't acknowledge any of the many, many comments re: burnout but just latch on to one or two about how she can get her way" and she didn't disappoint.

At the weekends, he is up at 5am and goes for a walk for 3 hours. Every Saturday and Sunday. That is what he wants to do: sell up and buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Do you not hear yourself @WittyPanda‽
You seem very disappointed in your DH whilst here's over there ready to have an actual breakdown!

This 100%

Why do you need two houses, OP? And how will you attain the financials for this? Most importantly, is DH agreeable?

well sure

but op doesn’t sound like she gives two figs about his happiness anyway

You are really taking the piss now. You can’t manage on one house?

This post demonstrates why asking advice from random strangers online is a very dangerous thing.

To ask DH to continue to work
I don’t.

He must have a very stressful job if he already wants to move to the country in his 40s; having to support you, your wonderful lifestyle in London and 2 kids in private education.

Time for you to improve your earning prospects and help him. YABU and quite selfish

Yeah, stuff what the unhappy chap paying all the bills thinks, he should just keep slogging in a job he hates as long as the OP’s life is good 🙄.

Whats the point of having 2 houses close together? How would that be the lifesytle chnage he needs? You and the kids living in a house in London, kids at school in London, him in a house in the countryside? Might as well get divorced.

Wouldn't a larger house in commuter town and flat in London for weekends be better?

I think your husband sounds really unhappy and in danger of burning out completely, and I think youre being incredibly selfish.

We've been looking at what we could buy in the country if we sell our house in south London and I've been really shocked by just how much of a difference there is in house prices and how comfortably we could live if we move. But downsizing in London and buying a country cottage won't release enough money to help your husband to be able to retire. You've presumably lived a very comfortable life in the area and house thst you want to for a number of years while your husband has supported you , and now it's time for your husband to live the life that he wants and to reduce some of his stress. You could live very comfortably if you moved out of London, and save even more if you didn't spend a fortune on private school fees.

There's a big difference between London and the countryside, can't you find a cheaper town on the outskirts?

Although I know, for example, that places like St Albans are potentially even more expensive than London. You could consider places like Guildford and Canterbury though, depending on how often he would need to commute into London.

Edited: it's also a really bad idea to retire to the countryside. Much better to stay somewhere with easy access to healthcare and public transport.