To ask DH to continue to work

OP this is 2024. You want to live a privileged life off the back of another person's earnings and at the risk of their health. Can you hear yourself?

Only read OP's posts.

This bit stuck out..."DH is just fed up of life."

You can't just disagree with this, OP. You need to work with him to find a solution.

If my partner didn’t want to work in his industry anymore and wanted to take a job with less responsibility and a cut in wages I’d support him. If that meant we moved area I’d support that too.

If he is earning loads and you still have debts then you are in trouble. He is trying to tell you something that you don’t want to hear but you cannot afford your current lifestyle.

It's not his sole responsibility!

Wow what a dilemma to have. Move your fabulous London lifestyle to an equally fabulous countryside abode. Are we supposed to feel sorry for your dilemma?

His plans sound incredibly impractical. Small farms are money pits, so are old country houses. How does he propose to fund all that plus school fees plus ordinary living expenses?

YABU

He has obviously worked very hard and now he wants some time to enjoy his life, instead of just working.

You’re being so selfish.
If it wasn’t for him you wouldn’t have such an amazing lifestyle and you should feel lucky that you’ve had it your way for as long as you have.

There’s nothing stopping you from visiting the area.
You can also spend more time visiting your friends from all around the world.

However, the grass isn’t always greener and it may be that DH thinks he wants that lifestyle, but actually doesn’t.

I do think the idea of a temporary second home in the country is a good idea in theory but actually I think he’d crave this lifestyle more as he’d be going there to relax but still have the London lifestyle.

I would definitely try and compromise and move to a rural area within travelling distance to London and then its win-win.

I think the OP just wrote that post very badly as she later says she does work.

I think the post should read, ‘AIBU to not want to move out of London’

I think the ‘I don’t’ means she doesn’t want to move.

Been told a few times now thank you. I get it.

I don't think we can decree working lifestyles for our partners. They and their feelings matter, as well as their incomes, and what you happen to want. That works both ways , though. You both need to talk properly and maybe find a compromise.

Here first words are I don’t!

Don’t move out of London. You will not find the same outside of London despite what everybody might say. If you need to get a job to maintain your lifestyle then do that.

It doesn't seem very sensible for him to retire in his mid 40s if you've got multiple kids to fund through secondary, university, weddings and house deposits. I think it's tempting to look at a big number off the back of a London house sale and think you're set for life but don't forget, you've gotten used to a particular quality of life and I'm not sure paring back in your 40s will be as much fun as your DH thinks. I think your idea of a bolt hole is a very good one and using that to perhaps reframe life a little, whether that meant DH could reduce his in person comments or reduce his days?

Can he cut his hours? A sabbatical?Honestly it sounds like he’s on the edge of burnout. I would be very careful you don’t end up in a much worse position if you don’t listen carefully to what he’s saying. To be blunt your husband is the one who is funding this lovely stuff (not criticising that). This is your dream but he’s the one who has to do the work to maintain it, I’m not sure thats fair on him.

I do understand, I would be disappointed and worried but your DH’s wellbeing is also a priority. I would be really worried about DH if he wanted a completely different life to the one we have. This can’t have come completely put of the blue, he must have been feeling the strain for a long while.

Then you don't get to live an expensive lifestyle. Tough shit.

You need to sit down together and come up with a long term plan. Your DH isn’t happy with the current situation, but equally, he needs to consider the whole family’s needs.

Retiring in your 40’s is very early, especially if your children are still at school and you have a lot of expenses such as school fees. Personally, I think it’s too risky, he could easily live for another 40 years and start running out of money.

Sit down together and come up with a plan. You may need to improve your earnings and he may need to stick it out for slightly longer. Perhaps one or both of you could retrain to do a more flexible, more easily transferable job?

Ny DH (52) would also like to retire and move to a more rural location. We’ve decided to wait until our children have finished university (youngest is 16) and then make the move. But we’re already planning and preparing for it.

I agree with you.

However I know a few men like Ops husband who on the other side of the fence are experiencing their relationships falling apart and close to divorce.

a few of the wives have started some form
of employment in anticipation and it’s preposterous- some MLM travel agency, some going back to roles like nursing, or trying to start up their own city roles from years ago, but with little luck after 10 years out

its an eye opener that they’ve somehow lost track of how much their life costs and that their husband earns like £400k a year and their £300 a month isn’t going anywhere

“I know it sounds selfish but I nor the children want to mov.”

it sounds selfish because it is selfish I’m afraid. You’ve had a lovely life because he’s earned a lot of money but he doesn’t want to do it anymore. If you care about him at all you have to accept that and pursue a life that you can both enjoy, not just you.

What about what your kids want?

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

It was a mistake to become reliant on a man to fund a high-end lifestyle for you and the kids. Anything could happen.

I don't think retiring to the countryside is a great idea with kids heading toward teenage years, but downsizing and finding a less stressful job for him is not a big ask.

Are you sure he is "out walking" on weekend mornings?? I had an aunt who thought her husband faithfully went to the gym every weekend morning and some evenings, coming home freshly dressed and showered. When he had emergency surgery she looked in his wallet for some money and found photos of an entire second family.

Your DH needs a break and less stress. You at the least need to compromise.

If you want to continue to live in London, do you need to pay school fees? Why not state school or a grammar if they are in your area? The money saved could mean he could get a less stressful job.

Or, how about moving out of London but close enough in so you can go to exhibits, etc.?

Or, you can be supportive and muck in with country life, let your DH relax and spend more time with him. Make some new friends. He can spend more time with his kids too which is all to the good. Personally, I enjoy living in the country, spend a serious amount of time gardening, taking walks, cooking, seeing friends here, and enjoying the slower pace of life. I’ve never been more healthy and have slept more soundly. That said, I also like fine arts, etc, and go about every six weeks to London to say with friends to see an exhibit and enjoy city life for a day or two.

Personally, I’d rather have my DH have a less stressful job and be healthy so we can enjoy our retirement together. I took a buy out recently to retire, and he is retiring in a year or so. Life is short, and you never know what is down the line.

Your behaviour also is a model to your children. Materialism and the high life is not everything. Being in nature, taking things slower, taking enjoyment from small things is IMHO what life is all about.

Wow so you want your DH to burn out and likely have health issues related to that at some point just so you can swan about the V&A and be a lady that brunches

I have seen some selfish posts on here but this one takes the biscuit. The lifestyle you have enjoyed is because your husband provides it and you want him to continue doing it even though he has had enough. Get a grip or get a better job

if he’s not self employed
then he will get at least 4x annual salary inc as a benefit