To ask DH to continue to work

I haven't read the whole thread, but my first reaction is that the OP is living the life of Riley and the DH, presumably 10-15 years older, is at the peak of earning and stress. If you love him more than your lifestyle, then you do what he would like, knowing it could go wrong; if you love the lifestyle, it's time for you to get the job that delivers it.

YABVU with this awful suggestion to compromise poor @WittyPanda 's social life to stop her lazy-arse husband doing what he needs to do to keep her in the style to which she's become accustomed (yes, and SLIGHTLY reduce his chances of dropping dead, blah, blah, blah zzzz)

I don't think your DH's plans for country life are necessarily realistic (does he know anything about farming and has priced the cost of land). However, it's completely unfair to expect him to carry on working, in a job he hates, just so you can have this lovely lifestyle - which you can't afford. You need to discuss ways to both get something of what you want, without compromising his health.

OP if you have debts instead of significant savings, you actually cannot afford your current lifestyle even with your partner working. You also know that his work is not going well, and he is very stressed, which might affect his work performance, in a vicious circle kind of way. You are both too young to retire with the money you have.

I don't suggest you move to the countryside right away, if it doesn't suit everyone in the family. But increase your income and reduce your outgoings will give him more flexibility to reduce hours, change career, take a sabbatical etc.

So I think the previous poster's suggestion of turning your annex into Air BnB is a good one. You should return to work and the kids should move to state schools.

Then maybe you can keep London and museums and theatre and he can have his breathing space to plan your family future.

Haven’t RTWT but is your annexe something you could rent out to make extra money? Perhaps Air B&B which would still enable to use it for friends from time to time? This would give your DH scope to take a less demanding job or scale back hours or whatever might help.

Find a compromise. There will be one.

Exactly!

He is telling you he is unhappy and cannot continue, and he will end up doing something about it (either through choice or complete burn out/ill health) whether you’re part of it or not.

Stop thinking about yourself and try and at least compromise for the man who gives you your lifestyle because if he leaves you then you’d have no choice but to change it.

I think it’s very fragile to build a lifestyle reliant entirely on someone else’s income! If you can’t fund your lifestyle and your DH isn’t coping with work, something has to change!

You're both BU. You to expect your DH to keep working in a job he obviously struggles with to fund a lifestyle and a home larger than you need. Him to think it's ok to uproot 3 near teens to the sticks when they're used to Central London. He could work with animals in London if you downsized to one, smaller property there, and have rural trips on his day off.

So you and your Dc are happy with the current set up of your DH funding the nice lifestyle of large house with annex, private schools, concerts, eating out, holidays, frequent visitors and you don't want anything to change.
Meanwhile your DH seems to be at breaking point and is taking himself off for 3 hour walks alone twice a weekend.
Are you worried about his mental health?

How will moving to a commuter town help apart from adding a commute to his life?

I agree that he shouldn't be looking to wholesale quit his job and move everyone to the country because that's what HE wants. But you need to come up with a joint plan that will work in the longer term for ALL of you.

Look at downsizing. Look at state secondaries. Look at your earning potential. Look at more balanced workplace for DH.

I experienced a slight reverse of this with my parents, my Mother wanted the house in the country and was in a relatively high earning & stressful job. My Father had a job he loved and it paid fairly well & we lived in a nice suburb of a nice city.
This was 1980 so money amounts were somewhat different, my mother did the country life woman for about 6 months before she got bored & my father ended up taking on lots of other projects to fund it.
My sister & I had our education disrupted & lost lots of friends, something we still talk about & feel a slight resentment all these years later.
Sadly my father had health issues from the stress & my mother had an affair which broke the whole thing up & we all went our separate ways.
I think you both need to really sit down and work it all out if you value each other.

Get a job, then. Hiring an Airbnb would be a darn sight cheaper than buying a lovely little country cottage (and would help those who don’t want to leave their village of origin but can’t afford to buy due to holiday home owners.

Well there you have it, the best of both worlds. I would be supporting my husband on this, he sounds burnt out.

Well then suck it up - because the alternative is he burns out and you’re absolutely buggered financially or he leaves you and you get half with huge domestic disruption 🤷🏻‍♀️ extraordinary you’ve ruled out making a meaningful financial contribution but you do you.

No one is this selfish. What sort of person would see their DH work themselves to death, despite already providing the means to what sounds like a wonderful future, just to fulfill their own needs, ones they couldn't meet themselve, whilst not give a shit about his? I'd seriously be reconsidering my relationship.

@WittyPanda

you need to get a job that pays more OP @WittyPanda

Rather than downsizing to stay in London, could you airb&b your annex? (You’d have to take on the organising/cleaning/booking etc) would that let him reduce his hours as a compromise? But promise to reconsider a move if he still wants to quit in a year or two?
if he’s financing your lifestyle, you have to at least compromise or go with his wishes when he’s had enough.

suppose the other option is divorce & you can both live wherever you can afford to, if that isn’t something you’d want, then find a compromise with him. Simply declaring that he can’t give up work will lead to resentment.

You can't make him just carry on flogging himself to death in a job he hates.

The status quo will have to change as it is not sustainable for the person funding it (unless you can step up and replace some of his earnings which you have said you can't)

Is there a compromise option where he can take a sabbatical or some time out? I guess going part time is probably not possible in this kind of job.

If you do nothing he will burn out, quit and be out of work for ages and that really will change your lifestyle. Happened to some friends of mine. He was deeply depressed and hasn't worked at all for more than 2 years previously earning Mega bucks. They have run out of all their savings and had to downsize and pull the kids out of private school. Now they are getting divorced.

I wondered at that.

Kids in private school but debts to pay off?

Also the people who come to stay in the annexe-why would moving mean that those connections would be missed?

Sounds as if a change is needed, but the two of you need to dig down into what you both want, need, and how you can attain that. The proposition from your DH does sound a bit unrealistic fantasy-life, but if he is miserable then your current set-up isn’t sustainable either.

Oh, YANBU.

Lovely. I do love a "see how wealthy I am" post.

Marvellous.

Ultimately OP, you don't have a choice. Your DH has made it very clear he wants a lifestyle change and given that he funds your current lifestyle entirely, you either go along with it willingly or you will have to.

If he has a heart attack, from the stress, or a mental breakdown from being unhappy at work, or seeks an affair because his current partner doesn't support him in his life wishes, change is coming OP.

Just make sure you're in control of it, would be my advice. You can't stop change, but you can guide it.

Yes, you should go for the move, OP, us yokels delight in rich Londerners retiring down here in their 40s, taking over a run down smallholding or two, letting us all know what a great lifestyle they've left behind so they can send their kids to the local private school while they tell us all what we're doing wrong. Come on down!