To ask DH to continue to work

So if he watched you go on three hour solo walks at 5am twice every weekend, and heard you tell him you hated your life and hated your job and wanted to change your life...would you expect him to tell you tough? That just because you're the one with the higher salary, doesn't mean you get to call the shots about whether you carry on doing your job or not. I need you earning that money to pay for the lifestyle i want, and my view on that is as valid as yours?

The OP says:-

I work as well but the bulk of the income is from DH job. Mine salary is a pittance compared to to his

Better to make a planned and controlled move than move in a rush because dad has a breakdown /becomes seriously ill and has no choice but to stop work

i can see why your husband wants this , I’d say buy a smaller place in the country go every weekend for a while and then decide if and when you make a permanent move.

Your DH's health and wellbeing matter, and they matter more than living in the city or paying for private school. If he's telling you he can't keep going anymore, then you need to respect that and make plans that take that into consideration, otherwise you're risking burn out, physical illness, mental breakdown, family relationship issues, etc.

If you want to live a lifestyle that depends on his current level of earning, then your only realistic option (other than running your DH into the ground to facilitate it for you) is to find an alternative way of funding it, such as DH dropping to part-time (if he feels he could do this) and you increasing your earning potential. If that's not possible, then you'll need to work with what you've got and adjust your lifestyle accordingly. The children would probably prefer to have their dad alive, well and happy, rather than go to a private school. People can still have a good quality of life outside London.

My sympathies are with your husband. I worked in London for a long time and couldn't wait to get out in the last few years. Its exhausting, costly and relentless,
especially as you get older. I was fantasising about trees and fields in the end...I left 18 years ago and I've never been back. My quality life is vastly better than it was.

Its well nigh impossible for someone who has never worked f/t in London to understand the exhaustion and stress it causes. Im sure I wouldve loved London if my life was being paid for by someone else and I didnt have to work.
Sorry but YABU. The poor bloke isn't a cash cow.

It sounds like you are both unreasonable on some level and will need to find a compromise.

• You are unreasonable because you are enjoying a lovely lifestyle in London but to do that your husband has to do a job that he no longer enjoys and probably find stressful/exhausting and that could lead to burnout and complete loss of income

• He is unreasonable to want to move everyone to the countryside.

The compromise would be to find a cheaper house somewhere commutable so you don't completely lose access to London and for you to accept that your husband can't carry on not enjoying his life just so that you can enjoy yours.

He could find a less stressful, maybe part-time job if you downsize and you could also contribute more to the family finances.

I went to 5, it did me an enormous amount of harm.

Personally I wouldn't move children from their home/school unless they're unhappy and take that risk.

Get a grip! Of course - if he doesn’t get to call them - he gets a sizeable say in the shots. And irrespective of respective earnings, if your partner says they can’t live the way you are living anymore, you make serious changes or split.

Either way OP isn’t getting what she wants - and why should she? Why must they stay there forever more? Are people in relationships not allowed to change their minds? He can’t go and potter in the country because her friends are in London?

Im 100% team DH

At the weekends, he is up at 5am and goes for a walk for 3 hours. Every Saturday and Sunday. That is what he wants to do: sell up and buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Your DH is a fantastist, or at least retreating into a fantasy to escape from feeling trapped in his job.

Rather than making this "my way or your way" can you take the position of genuinely open to it if he can take you through exactly how it's going to work? As much detail as possible. Where will you live? What will the running costs there be - what's the baseline annual income/capital burndown? If a zoo job, does that pay enough? How long would your capital and investment income be able to supplement it? How is retirement to be funded, and for how long? Will you move again once the kids are grown? If farming, how much does the small farm take to run - running costs, people effort, insurance, risk etc? Does he expect to be able to take holidays? How does that work with funding and with running the farm? How will the kids socialise? How is that funded? As they get older will they need their own cars and how is that funded?

Don't approach it as a series of gotchas, but as a genuine "Ok, this is what you want to do, how do we make it work?" But refuse to make any dramatic changes until he can answer that question, and also refuse to work out the answers for him, not only because it's not fair to make you do the work of making the fantasy into something concrete when you don't want the change, but also because then you are made responsible for the boring and disappointing compromises while he keeps his fantasy. He needs to be the one who faces reality and owns the decisions.

Maybe he won't do the work and this stays a fantasy. Maybe he will, and then you can start to have real conversations about a concrete plan (perhaps including buying a small London property you can air bnb for some income but also use yourself from time to time to enjoy what you like to do in London). Either way, it's a more constructive way to address this.

FWIW my DH and I are in a similar position. It is different in that I am both the breadwinner and the person who wants to stay in London (which avoids the critcism you are facing over who funds the London lifestyle), and your family income and lifestyle are a few rungs above ours, but the fantasy/escape element is the same so my advice is the same.

I earn more than my DH.

I've never for a moment thought that means I get to call all the shots. Or that I could insist that we move away from his friends and family, schools and his job so I could give up work and potter about in the countryside.

What a bizarre point of view.

Will moving mean DH doesn't have to work as much? if it means he's able to reduce his hours and enjoy himself and relax more I'd do it. I don't want to be cruel but tomorrow isn't promised.. DH could drop down dead in 5 years time and you'd wish he hadn't worked as hard and not got to enjoy his life. London is great and all but you can't beat the calm of countryside.

“That is the only way we could retire now.”

“WE could retire”? Nobody is forcing you to retire OP - maybe you could work full time in a demanding job and keep him in a lower paid less stressful role while he build the family on the next stage of their life?

I guess you have two choices really (there are more but these two standout)

1. you move to the country /commuter town and slow the pace of life for your husband - doesn’t have to slow for you or
2. your stay where you are, husband keeps working his arse off to keep you in the lifestyle you crave and he goes into burnout and breakdown from stress and overwork and becomes too ill to work - then you have to downsize anyway cos financial sickness support is bloody awful and he feels awful and what do you do in this scenario?

3hour walks? Hmm. This reminds of a recent thread about a rich boho wife who became at utter bitch when her husband left her.

“Let him”?! It’s his bloody money

Well then you won’t be able to live the lifestyle

I sometimes wonder if people who use the word vibe regarding living in London on mumsnet are trolls 😁

How much of your current lifestyle could you maintain if he burnouts, has a stroke, or just tips the table and quits his job?

How much of your current lifestyle could you maintain if he left you? Half the house + your ‘pittance’ of a salary + maintenance based on him working at a petting zoo? You might manage a flat in a less desirable part of London, but the matinees at the NT and private school fees would have to go.

I think your best option is significant compromise on your part OP, even if only in your self interest and not concern for your DH’s physical and mental health.

I feel the same as you about London. I moved- regret it and can’t wait to move back one day. Don’t do it! Let him get a country side house or whatever and spend time there as he wishes but don’t move completely!

I would be careful raising it with him - he will realize that you see him as a sperm donor with attached wallet!

Being honest here
You are not supportive
You need to see why he is doing what he is
Does he hate his job
Is he depressed due to his job
Is he suicidal due to his job
Is it affecting his mental health
Has hit maximum burnout and wants a career change

Then
How about
You support him
Because
Essentially you are saying
You don't care if his job is making him depressed as long as it finds your lifestyle

Please

Look at how he feels.

Your attitude stinks. Asking you to earn what he earns would be asking pigs to fly? Have you asked your husband if he feels that asking him to continue is asking pigs to fly? You are being unbelievably selfish. If you’re not earning the money you are lucky to get any say. Has it occurred to you that he needs the three hour weekend walks just to get his head out of the office?

as you apparently are incapable of doing a job as stressful as your husband’s I assume you don’t understand the toll it takes, but maybe try some empathy? Maybe consider that you are heaping on more pressure by being so insistent on that lifestyle? Try to walk a mile in his shoes. You get all the having friends to stay and enjoying the city and he gets the grind, stress and pressure.

I have a high pressure job - I have no way of saying if it is as hard as his - but it would break my heart if my husband had your approach. One of the only benefits of two high pressure jobs, however, is that we do understand. But I would have thought a person with a modicum of empathy could imagine. Your husband has my sympathy.

Could you air b n b the annex when not in use to enable DH to cut back his hours a bit or save to save and retire earlier?

Hello. I understand why you might not want to move the children re schools etc and clearly both they and you are enjoying the life your DH is primarily funding. But is he? If both parties are happy for one person to be the main earner that’s fine but if one person is not happy then I do think things needs to be reassessed. I really don’t think it’s fair for one person to be carrying the pressure and financial responsibility in the circumstances you describe. You say your earnings are a pittance in comparison but you could take steps to improve this even if not to get to the level of his earnings. I suspect if there isn’t some flexibility on this, there may be impact on your marriage and ultimately your DC far worse than living in a smaller house outside of London. So think carefully, show willingness to compromise and acknowledgement of your own financial responsibility (and action) in funding the lifestyle of your family. Best wishes.