To ask DH to continue to work

The children are due to change school anyway as they are reaching the end of primary. This would be the perfect time to change school

Except we lost all our friends because it became such a pain meeting up. The invites got less and less.

Tell me what is convenient about the countryside

Neither of you are wrong but you haven't given much background as to why your dh wants to move so desperately. (Sorry if you have, I haven't read all the replies).

Is he ill? Is he unhappy,depressed? Is he worried about money? Redundancy? Etc etc.

I live in London, in a very normal house, living a very ordinary lifestyle. Since our kids have grown up and left home, we have thought about selling it all, moving somewhere smaller/quieter/less expensive. I've had some health issues since covid, I want it more than my husband. My husband is desperate to stay in London and we've had to compromise (we stay in London but I've retired early to help with my health). What is your compromise OP? Surely it can't all be about you and what you want?

I wanted to sell my London lifestyle to fund early retirement. My husband and I found a way to stay and for me to retire. We've both compromised. Something you must do too I believe.

It doesn't have to be a binary choice. London or countryside.

You could downsize to a much cheaper house in London, state school and just rescale your life so that he doesn't need to earn as much money.

Honestly from what you have said about your husband OP he needs this. If things continue as they are he will likely make himself ill trying to make you happy.

So your decision is whether you support him and help get the children onboard with idea so parents are a united front or you prioritise your own needs and start working out how to sustain your life in London after he stops working and moves to the country.

Both scenarios involve upheaval - because all change is upheaval- but in one you face this transition together and in the other you are alone and your children face confusion and divided loyalties.

Likely both scenarios will involve selling your current home, and staying put in London alone will mean you will need to find better paid work to fill the financial gap to maintain your current lifestyle.

Only you can decide if remaining in London will be enough to overcome no longer living in the house you love, having less time to do the things you enjoy, having to work more and bear financial responsibility for yourself, whilst parenting confused and possibly resentful children. Life will be very different. Good luck 🤞

I think your DH’s mental health is more important than your joy of living in London… you sound pretty lucky anyway!

This thread must be a wind up.

Well as I understand it the plan is to retire so time will not be an issue, and going back to visit friends sounds a nice way to keep in touch to me.

Having grown up in the country and subsequently lived and enjoyed the benefits of living in major cities all over the world I wouldn’t say living in the country is an unspeakably inconvenient way of life. It’s just different and requires more planning than the spontaneous way of life that is possible in the city. That seems a small price to pay for the OPs partner’s sanity.

Be careful OP, if you come across like this in real life you might end up not having a husband and therefore not having an annex or living the London vibe!

As to your reasons for not moving, why do you assume friends and family will not visit if you move to the country? Are they only coming for the free access to London

Our friends lived in London. After the initial few times coming up to see us. None wanted to come to the countryside so we ended up travelling back every few weeks and having to stay over with various friends.

FYI - the country is not a dead zone - even country people enjoy access to galleries, museums, theatres and restaurants!

But only if you travel. Our petrol bill and travel bill was through the roof. Our closest supermarket (that wasn’t getting closed down on a regular basis because of health and safety issues) was 35 miles away.

Yes there are theatres, but only if you did a 60/70 mile round trip.
Forget about 3 hours walking each weekend day he will be in the car going to the supermarket.

If you couldn't earn as much as him or even close then it's mostly up to him really isn't it. That's the downside of marrying someone rich when without him you'd be in a hugely different position. Surely it's better this way than waiting for him to burn out or decide he's had enough of you altogether? You'd be in a much worse position then.

As he sets off on these walks at 5am, I thought it’s more likely it’s to help his mental health: to get out in nature and fresh air as opposed to lying there with anxiety and/or depression.

But he could be paying someone else a visit.

Being in the position where you are burnt out from work is awful. I’ve been there and luckily my husband had my back and I took a little time off work.

Dont know what the right answer is for you and your DH. However, if he reaches the end of his tolerance with work and needs to take sick leave, that would be worse for your family.

It sounds like your husband it burnt out - I think you need to pay careful attention to this. With that being said, it doesn't like a sensible idea for to downsize and not have income. I don't think moving to the country side will resolve the problem.

If he totally burns out you won't have a choice. You have to move and you'll have a mentally unwell dh.

If your current lifestyle relies on his earnings and he doesn't want to do this anymore then what you want is frankly irrelevant

Your want for your current lifestyle doesn't supercede his want to stop doing his job. Yours is a passive want that relies on him doing something he hates.

My husband was in this position a few years ago but kept pushing himself and working crazy hours. One weekend we were walking in the countryside and he suddenly turned to me and told me he couldn’t go back to his city job the next day or ever again - he just couldn’t face it. He broke down in tears (only the second time I’d ever seen him cry) and proceeded to have a complete breakdown. He was unable to do any work for two years and developed a progressive long term physical illness which the consultant confirmed could be triggered by extreme stress. He refused to take sickness from work or ill health retirement as he couldn’t deal with discussing this with HR or any colleagues so just resigned straight away. I had a poorly paid full time job at the time and we had to manage on my salary but we got through it and eventually he was able to return part time to a lower level job. What I’m saying OP is that you need to act now and ease the burden on your husband before he becomes mentally or physically unwell. The signs are there. You say he wants to spend time ‘pottering’ which comes across as rather judgmental and yet you potter around museums and art galleries yourself! Why shouldn’t he fulfil his dream of a life in nature? You’ve enjoyed a lovely lifestyle due to his hard work, perhaps it’s his turn?

What the female of cocklodger?

As to your reasons for not moving, why do you assume friends and family will not visit if you move to the country? Are they only coming for the free access to London?

There are excellent schools in the country and you may even not have to pay now massively hiked private school fees to access them. Changing schools at the end of primary seems like the ideal time as it is a natural break.

I don’t think suggesting buying a weekend place is really a good compromise as you are adding to your husband’s pressure by adding on more financial responsibilities. A better compromise might be to move but agree on regular trips back to London for a culture hit and catch up with friends.

FYI - the country is not a dead zone - even country people enjoy access to galleries, museums, theatres and restaurants!

The husband is making a cry for help.

However, the sole earner doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions about where the family lives/how it operates.

Rent a country cottage in an easily commutable area for weekends, get DH to find a new job in same industry with 6 months gardening leave and use that to reassess. Or he should take a sabbatical.

If you do end up moving to Home Counties. Look at how quick it is to get into Central London. Direct train lines can get in to main stations in minutes

One thing about moving to the countryside is how expensive it is. Plus how little work there is.

I would be reassessing your finances. Find good state schools instead of private
Work out what exactly you spend money on and how to cut it down or out

What jobs can he do if he wants to give up work.

He sounds like he is close to burn out but I get the impression he isn’t living in reality.

Walking around the countryside isn’t going to pay the bills and once you are out in the countryside there will still be bills just very few jobs.

Honestly I think men often regret keeping women in this lifestyle. It ends up making them dependent and eventually useless and then all that's left is a really unpleasant divorce. I've worked with many men in your dh's situation and that's often how it goes.

@FrostFlowers2025

“She is making money (it's not her own business or working as an independent contractor), therefore it's a job. “

agree she says she has a job but where does it say it’s not her own business or she’s a contractor - I can’t see that in any of her posts? How do you know ?

This happens to people all the time, OP. People’s circumstances change because of illness or injury, job loss, relationship breakdown or any number of other reasons, and they have to change their lifestyles as a result.

But it’s especially common when you build a lavish lifestyle based on one person’s high salary. They might get ill, they might have an accident, they might get sacked, they might meet someone else, or they might find they just can’t do the job anymore.

I don’t think he’s being reasonable to want to move you all to the middle of nowhere but as others have said such an irrational desire is probably a reaction to the stress. Clearly you need to find a middle way that alleviates some of the pressure on him without being quite as disruptive as that, but no, you can’t just expect the status quo to continue if the person who’s funding the status quo is telling you they can’t do anymore.

And I think that if you force it, he could either have a breakdown or leave you - both of which are likely to have worse outcomes for your lifestyle than a more measured compromise.