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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to continue to work

315 replies

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 14:12

I don’t. I am happy and content with the life I have worked so hard to create for our family. We live in London, so close to art galleries, concerts, restaurants, amazing shops, museums. There are a thousand things to do.

DH wants to sell our house and use the money to reset our lifestyle. It will mean a very lovely country house but it’s not what I want. I want to remain in London for a long a possible, I love energy and the vibe. I realise I am saying this from a very privileged position, and this isn’t the reality for everyone.

We live in a house, with an annex and we have friends and relatives from all over the world come and stay with us. I will miss these connections if we move.

We are still in our early and mid 40s and I had assumed we would have another 10+ years living in our house. The children all go to excellent private schools here, and all will be moving to secondary schools soon and they won’t receive the same quality education if we move.

Would it be so unreasonable to ask DH to not move. I think we could compromise and buy a small cottage we could stay in during the weekends. I know it sounds selfish but I nor the children want to mov.

OP posts:
Ytcsghisn · 10/11/2024 15:21

Another woman who wants the lifestyle but can’t afford it herself, wants a man to pay for it and thinks he is unreasonable for wanting an easier life.

Who says MN is a feminist forum.

Coconutter24 · 10/11/2024 15:21

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:11

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

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So if you can’t go out and earn more how is it fair you expect your DH to keep going to fund your lifestyle when he wants to retire and a different lifestyle

FrostFlowers2025 · 10/11/2024 15:20

lazyarse123 · 10/11/2024 14:15

First post nailed it as usual.

No, this time, since the OP has just stated she does work.

justasking111 · 10/11/2024 15:19

You're a bit young to retire. Husband was 56 but we did have serious investments which brought in a good return. Mostly commercial

You are talking about living off the capital from your 40s

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/11/2024 15:19

Does he want to move because he wants to downsize and have less stress or does he just want to move out of London?

If you want to remain in London and maintain this lifestyle I think you are going to have to make some compromise and work more. It’s not really fair to expect him to bear all this if your financial contribution is minimal.

If he just wants to move out of London I think he can probably wait until your kids finish school?

Butchyrestingface · 10/11/2024 15:19

Lifeglowup · 10/11/2024 15:18

In her first sentence.

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Quite a short sentence, admittedly. Probably easy to miss. 😀

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 10/11/2024 15:19

MidnightBlossom · 10/11/2024 15:17

How old are your children? Could you downsize and remain in London, with you changing jobs to maximise your earning power, and your H still working but taking a step back into something less pressured until the children have left school?

Good idea!

Lifeglowup · 10/11/2024 15:18

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 10/11/2024 14:15

Where does it say OP doesn't work?

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In her first sentence.

MidnightBlossom · 10/11/2024 15:17

How old are your children? Could you downsize and remain in London, with you changing jobs to maximise your earning power, and your H still working but taking a step back into something less pressured until the children have left school?

thanksicloud · 10/11/2024 15:17

i couldn’t be “happy and content with my life” if i knew my husband wasn’t

Dandelionsarefree · 10/11/2024 15:17

Sorry OP I totally get your husband.
He is not the one to enjoy the galleries and London vibe in a job that allows you to do so, he is in a very stressful job working all the crazy hours and he wants to live, fair enough. The same as you, he wants to have some work life balance. It's very unreasonable to ask someone to continue to provide for a very expensive lifestyle that takes a huge toll.

Butchyrestingface · 10/11/2024 15:17

I think we could compromise and buy a small cottage we could stay in during the weekends

This part is HILAIRE. You need to down size your lifestyle since the person most responsible for paying the piper has burned out, not up size it.

Didimum · 10/11/2024 15:16

It’s not unreasonable to not want the lifestyle he wants, OP, but nor can you expect him to keep living a life that makes him unhappy to continue to fund yours. Private school is not a necessity, your children will be fine in state education. You should both find a compromise on what the future looks like, and that may mean it not being your ideal.

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/11/2024 15:16

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:11

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

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So the lifestyle Needs to change.

The person who is finding it unsustainable is funding it so you need to come up with a lifestyle and home together that works and doesnt need one person to work their arse off in a job they hate to pay for it

billysboy · 10/11/2024 15:16

Cut your cloth accordingly, sounds like your Husband is burnt out already

saltandvinegarchipsticks · 10/11/2024 15:15

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:11

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

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It seems like he can’t sustain it either, so you need a plan. If not the countryside (and I understand your reasons for that), then what? Can you downsize or move within London?

SabrinaCarpentersCeilingFan · 10/11/2024 15:14

VimtoVimto · 10/11/2024 15:11

If you want to stay in London would it be possible to downsize and use the state education system to remove the pressure off your DH.

Completely agree with this.

Your priorities are way off OP. You want to be seen as a rich family living in London with kids in private schools. Without a single thought or consideration to your poor husband or children. It's all about image, isn't it.

Newsflash - no one cares nearly as much as you do.

Original poster
WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:14

StormingNorman · 10/11/2024 14:45

Would the move mean your DH can afford to retire?

If he can afford to retire, then you kind of need to go along with it. That’s the problem of being reliant on a man for money, married or not.

Only by selling our home. That is the only way we could retire now.

OP posts:
Househunting38 · 10/11/2024 15:13

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 14:53

Sorry, the original title was different.

DH is just fed up of life. He doesn’t like his job but the work he does is niche and every firm he could work for will have a similar culture.

He wants to sell up and buy a house in the countryside. The money left over would go towards cleaning our remaining debts. He doesn’t want to work and would need to sell up to fund school fees and our life.

At the weekends, he is up at 5am and goes for a walk for 3 hours. Every Saturday and Sunday. That is what he wants to do: sell up and buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Your DH needs don't sound unreasonable given he is fed up of his job or burnt out or needs a change.
Why not support him and move to the countryside on the edge of London? There's amazing secondary schools in the outskirts, they're not all in London, and you can still get to central London in 20-30 mins on the fast trains.

SweetSakura · 10/11/2024 15:13

WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:11

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

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Well then, you need to live a lifestyle that reflects what you can earn, or accept he calls the shots.

TriesNotToBeCynical · 10/11/2024 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She meant she doesn't want to retire and leave London. I guess she changed the title!

SweetSakura · 10/11/2024 15:12

Wisterical · 10/11/2024 15:11

You can't afford the lifestyle you want. You shouldn't expect somebody else to fund your lifestyle, especially if it's making them unhappy.

Totally. Why should DH have to feel that deeply unhappy for another decade? None of us are guaranteed a long life. It sounds like he's done his bit to provide for the family

scandina · 10/11/2024 15:12

Are your children in school in London? If so I think you can argue that you should not move until they finished school. I don't think children should be moved unless absolutely necessary.

After that stage I think you have a problem as you can't compel someone you love to an exhausting miserable existence can you?

That would be my compromise- stay until children leave school and then move. Although if they are very little that might not work.

toomuchfaff · 10/11/2024 15:12

So his working funds your lavish lifestyle, he's expressed a want to do a reset, involving probably reducing his stress level, but you want him to continue 🤔 because your lifestyle.

Sounds like you need a career change to start earning more so you can continue the lavish lifestyle. If that's impossible, then you need to accept that you can't make someone else work to fund your requirements from a lifestyle when they don't enjoy their own working life.

Original poster
WittyPanda · 10/11/2024 15:11

SweetSakura · 10/11/2024 15:09

You may have no choice but to change your lifestyle it your DH becomes very burnt out. It seems to make sense to start making some sensible decisions.

If you want the expensive lifestyle you will need to find a way to earn it yourself

I just wouldn’t be able to earn close to what he is earning. I just wouldn’t; you might as well ask a pig to fly.

OP posts: