DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

It's clear he just wants his dad to himself again???

You need to nice out, for everyone's sake

@Dpmn553 As you've posted more I have come to understand things further and the difficult balance you face. Living with a 12 year old must have been a big adjustment, especially if you've been used to your own space and privacy. Equally, from your DSS perspective he seems somewhat used to his old ways with your DP.

It seems like he's used to always being included by his father and perhaps even being a bit indulged, perhaps due to your DP being lonely at home in the evenings. Making for a parent-child relationship with few boundaries. It's now difficult to introduce those boundaries, even if it is your DP doing so, without a backlash.

Which leads me on to the fact that you need to have a long chat with your partner. He needs to be stepping up more. Why should the clearing up in the evenings be left to you? Perhaps it's is that they're more lax with these things, if so then you taking a step back might be a good way of making them step up? It sounds like you making DSS an evening tray is a lovely way of you showing you care for him. Him expecting you to fetch him water at dinner comes across as slightly misogynistic. That and the cleaning makes me think if this is taught behaviour.

Is it possible to talk to your partner about the privacy situation? Is there a third bedroom or somewhere that can be definitively set up as your space? Where you can escape if overwhelmed and be sure of privacy?

I definitely think you need to talk to your partner. He should be doing a lot more here. If he'd stepped up then this wouldn't be happening.

This is so sad :( please include him

If I were you I’d move out. The step parenting thing is probably just not for you and there’s nothing wrong with that. I couldn’t do it either.

I don't get why giving him a biscuit was a problem

I would take a breath before you decide to move out, you're not meant to miraculously know how to be a family from day one.

Conversations about bed times can be had, and maybe about regular date nights for the pair of you to get some quality time; around fun activities that work for the 3 of you together, so you can start to find ways to enjoy being a family going forward; and there's nothing wrong with you planning in some time for yourself too - book in a spa with your friends or a cocktail night to let off some steam!

Families focus on kids first. That's just the way it is. So you need to get your head around that. But it doesn't mean you go by the wayside. It means that you get the experience the joys and tribulations of being a family.

All the stuff about biscuits and water is just noise isn't it. Your day to day life just looks different to what you were expecting and it's a shock to the system, but it doesn't sound irretrievable at all. Different could end up being amazing!

Just put your stepson front and centre of your thoughts for a while, as you create your new family routines. It's your job to be proactive in this situation.

Rather than waiting for him to insert himself into conversations, maybe preempt this by actively asking for his input, kids can come out with the weirdest stuff, he may make you smile! And if you need to have a private conversation, do it away from him so you can talk properly. Or if you want to just have a chat with friends stopping in for coffee without interruptions, then organise for him to have a friend round at the same time.

Rather than getting his water on demand, create a new habit of having a large jug and glasses on the table and that can be his thing to do at each meal.

You get the idea.

Plan ahead, communicate, create new routines that work for all of you, and most importantly have fun being a family. It's a gift.

If this was the child posting he'd be saying my "dad's gf has recently moved in and she's making me feel like a stranger in my own home".

Kids butt into adult conversations all the time, don't have them infront of kids.

Offer the boy a biscuit fgs, how flipping rude of u.

If u are making breakfast, ask him what he wants too. He's not just your partners kid, u are now a family so step up STEPMUM.

Exactly ! Totally agree

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP. You're in the wrong, but I think it's out of naivety rather than malice or ignorance.

This is your first relationship, and reasonably enough you're expecting to be number 1 to your partner. However, your DSS is a child, and needs to be (and will always be) your DP's priority. And as his Stepmum (which is effectively what you became when you moved in), he needs to be your number 1 priority as well, at least while he's a child.

It sounds like you expected it to be a very clear, black and white almost "housemates" type situation where you all live independent lives. It's not. You're a family, and the child has to be priority.

From your DSS's perspective, you've suddenly encroached into his physical and emotional space and are competition for his dad's affection. This must feel very unsettling at best, and threating at worst to a 12 year old child. I suspect this is where some of his eavesdropping and comments about sex are coming from. He probably feels very threatened by any type of intimacy (even private conversations) that you and his dad have without him.

It's great you've listened to what people have said here and are planning to move out.

Keeping in mind this is your first relationship, I would also say maybe you should consider ending this relationship altogether? If you want a relationship where you're someone's top priority, and you want to live with your partner, this relationship is not it.

Good luck OP. Hopefully things will get easier once you have your own space.
You can still have a happy relationship and be a better parent figure without the stress of living together. Your DP should understand it's in best interest of his child aswell.

What everyone else said, really.

I actually find it quite mean that the son wasn't offered breakfast as well, surely he should be offered? Same with the biscuit? He probably feels left out which is why he's inserting himself into your conversations.

Most of what you are describing is totally normal. I'd love to know more of the child's background. Did his mum die or does she see him? I feel he is looking to you like a mum figure. I just don't think you're used to being around kids.

You need to be including him a lot more. You are the adult. He is a 12 year old child. He was living with his parent and now you have moved into his space and are (from his perspective) ignoring his needs over his Dads and his whole living situation just changed - thats a huge deal for a child. He isnt expecting partner treatment, he is expecting to simply be included and currently if it were him posting a tread for others views, he would probably be saying that his dads partner moved into his home and offers lovely things and gestures to his Dad and leaves him out. I feel for him. Why not just be a bit more inclusive of him. He is your partners son. His know it all behaviour is totally normal for a 12 year old child. My final point - he is a child and you are an adult. Please please be kinder and more inclusive towards him.

my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP

Sorry Op, but saying something like this is not you being naive, just very weird.
Makes me wonder what kind of childhood/ family life you experienced.

😅👏🏻👏🏻

Him not drinking tea makes no difference at all! If you're making your partner a drink and a biscuit, you ask the lad if he wants a drink. It won't be tea but you offer him the drink of his choice.

This is one of the weirdest OPs and updates I've seen on Mumsnet.
Even with my grandchildren, when I offer their parents a drink and a biscuit the little ones are offered a drink too. It makes no odds that the adults have coffee and a shortbread, and the kids get apple juice and a pink wafer. Everyone is cared for and catered for.

That poor lad.

This child’s home life dynamic has been totally disrupted by your moving in, include him and show him kindness. He’s upset about the meal or coffee because he wants to be included & not feel like you’re ’taking’ his dad away from him. The poster who said a (good) parent will always side with their child in this scenario is spot on. I feel so sorry for this boy… I really hope his father steps up and lets him know that he’s the most important person in his life… because he will be!

And that is fair enough, but you then went on to offer DP a biscuit, and DC obviously eats biscuits so I understand why he was upset.

Wouldn't you ask them both what they fancy for breakfast, why just DP?

You have to see it from his perspective, it was just him and your DP and then you come along and its you and DP and he feels left out and it does sound (from his perspective) that you are ignoring him.

If you don't have kids, it takes some getting used to and I appreciate it may not be intentional, but as the adult you do need to think before you speak.

Is he your husband or your DP? You've referred to him as both.

Why could he hear you having sex? Maybe he threw a tantrum about the bed while you were away because he was upset at the prospect of having to listen to you in a (presumably) smaller space.

Sorry, read updates..
I think you need to set some boundaries.
your bedroom is out of bounds… and he does not get in your bed under any circumstances!
Yoy also need to implement your expectation that he goes to bed at 9pm, or at least to his own room.. you’re also not there to cook and clean… maybe he could help you cook, peel, chop etc… and DP also needs to take his turn!!!
Also NO…. You don’t keep the fact you’ve been out while he’s at his friends, mothers, school etc a secret… you tell him that you’re adults and don’t have to ask permission to go out, also ask him how he’d like it if you said he couldn’t go out with friends or do nice things without you!!

I have to ask… does he have any form of ADHD? Is lack of boundaries & jealousy that you go out reminds me of my friends DD,she can’t tell her DD she’s going out till literally she’s getting… or she sulks for days/weeks/months about the pending outing

I love this post @formerbrosfan.

Why wouldn’t you ask him if he wanted breakfast too? Or a biscuit? I think you’re being unreasonable here. I couldn’t exclude someone like that.

OP, whilst you are living with DP and his son you are part of his upbringing whether you like it or not.

Step parenting is bloody hard work. Again, like it or not step children deserve step parents who are willing to take on this hard work.

Your step son deserves to feel that he matters to you, and that he is not in competition with you for his father's love and time. Your posts give the opposite impression. He is bound to have picked up on this, and things like the biscuit or hot drink stories make it patently obvious to him that you're more interested in keeping him in his place than making him feel like you care about him. You should be working hard to make him trust that you care, whereas you're working hard to make him feel unimportant and small.

Your stance WRT him having opinions is really sad IMO. Young people need to be allowed to express their thoughts as a part of growing up. Inevitably they will miss the point at times- they are learning about the world and their place in it on wobbly Bambi legs. There needs to be a balance between allowing them to express opinions that you disagree with, and correcting them. If you shoot them down or shut them up they begin to learn their opinions don't matter and / or fail to develop those opinions.