DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

But you ARE in a relationship with both of them. His son isn’t an adult who has moved out. He’s a 12 year old child and you’ve moved into his house. You’re his stepmother, maybe not legally but in practicality. If you offer your partner something and ignore the child of course he feels left out? Saying “you can get your own biscuit” is just petty. Imagine I’m at my mother in laws house and she makes my husband a brew and when I ask says “you are welcome to get your own”. It’s rude and shows I’m less important than him. This is a child feeling very left out and you expecting to be a casual acquaintance of his while living in his family home and dating his dad is unrealistic . Him and his kid are a package deal.

I don’t actually know anyone who does this! We get our own drinks…

If your DH asked for a biscuit would you tell him to get it himself while offering one to someone else? That sounds unbelievably mean. Poor kid.

I honestly think you should just move out again. You’re the one that changed the family dynamic! If you move in to a child’s home then you are by default in some kind of relationship with them. This 12 year old if feeling pushed out and is asserting their presence in the family which he shouldn’t have to do, as the adult you should be including them in everything already.
your behaviour and your attitude could be extremely damaging towards this poor child.

It’s his house, he has as much right to share his views as anyone else.
I don’t understand offering one person breakfast and not another in the house. Seems rude.
He is a child and probably wondering where he fits in now and you excluding him isn’t going to make him feel like he fits in at all.
Certain conversations shouldn’t take place around kids, that’s standard, so you wait until they’re asleep, at school or busy with friends to have those Conversations. Kids always want to join in with adults. It’s not unusual.
I feel bad for him tbh

I think I understand what you mean, it’s that the familiarity you have with a partner with those little things he feels like he should have too.
but that is very common with kids that age, they want to be one of the grown ups and they want to be involved with everything. He’s just finding his new normal that involves you

Totally agree. When he is 13 he will disappear, these short years between sort of 10 and a half and 12+ are when he'll suddenly be open and communicative and share lots of new thoughts and more grown up reflections that he's having, then he'll go in his room and not come out until he's at least 15. So actually this is a really special time and his character and contribution and enthusiasm should be cherished.

Your DP is a father. Before anything else. And not your father. Sorry to be so direct, but where children are concerned, the parent has an adult and prior responsibility to his child, and although we all find it uncomfortable and upsetting sometimes, we really do need to rise to the job and work around the child and support the partner's parenting.

Umm I don't have children and I can tell you the poor lad needs to be included in everything it's his home, his father and you are a rather recent interloper . You will find when he hits 13 ish he won't want to be talking to anyone anymore anyway . Even then please please please ask him if he wants orneeds anything as he is still a child , in fact at times he is a little little boy inside and he is feeling excluded , that little boy inside will be breaking.

A previous reply said that it sounded like there may be an age gap, and some sort of differential power dynamic at play in your relationship with dp.

It's funny you said that. I typed but didn't post the below

I think what I am trying to say is that I wonder if you have an unequal dynamic with your DP where you do domestic things to make him happy and the SS expecting the same exposes that.

Or to put it another way, does the DP speak disrespectfully to her as well, and the SS copies that, it just seems more jarring from a 12 year old

I wonder if perhaps your focus is on the wrong people (dp's son, and yourself).

This is your first relationship, and you're now living with your partner and his almost teenager.

A previous reply said that it sounded like there may be an age gap, and some sort of differential power dynamic at play in your relationship with dp.

So it was very interesting that you've chosen to write that he's "your world", then quantify that with the fact that you were in a dark place when you met him, and that you owe him a lot.

It sounds like your dp has happily slipped you into the traditional domestic role, and hasn't been making the effort to step in to situations you've had with his son.

You've also mentioned that you're now spending less time with your dp than before you moved in - how on Earth has that happened?!

If you used to spend a Tues and Sat together before you moved in, why has that changed?

I'm not expecting a response to this, but if you do pop back I would just urge you to take some real time to consider what you want from a romantic relationship, and what you would want from a husband, or the potential father of any future children.

You don't owe anybody anything, except yourself.

You’re just not accustomed to being around children of that age. They are not babies anymore and they have to figure out where they belong in the family dynamics. You will have to keep certain conversations out of earshot. You also need to treat him as if he were your own child in certain circumstances, e.g. offer him a biscuit along with his dad, and ask what he would like for breakfast. He needs to know you want him around and that you care about him.

Well, you can't conduct a romantic relationship openly in front of his almost teenage son. It's as simple and important as that.

You can conduct it very subtly in front of him. You can conduct it openly when he's not there.

He's not only having to cope with you being there all the time when it was just him and his dad, and you were a visitor, but also with his own age and development.

Of course he wants to contribute to conversations and it's great he has an opinion. He's part of the family. He and his dad actually are the family, and you are joining it, as far as he will see things.

It's hard enough to keep up with where kids are when we have brought them up since babies, so for you coming in like this I really feel for you, it's not easy at all. But I think it sounds like what is surprising you is that he is a thinking sentient would-be adult - this is normal, he's growing up, development is always motivated by aspiration and mirroring. He is only going to have more to say as he grows up, this is just the start.

I think it's really important he doesn't feel ignored or sidelined or less considered than his dad. If I was with two people, I really would ask both if they want tea/a drink/a biscuit, and I'd ask both what they want for breakfast.

He's as much a person as his dad or you, so this is a threesome when he is around, and it should be like that. It would be so very sad if he felt less important. Just treat him like a young person rather than a kid and you may even find the interaction is nice, and he might have something cool to say, and might help you with things, etc.

He wasn't in the room though

Is there any suggestion that your partners son could be ND? He seems to be very forthright and adult. I do hope everything works out for you all.

You need to go to really the heart of this, this is just a teenager trying to fit in, actually if I were on your situation I would be doing everything to make him feel included. Seems like you’re doing the opposite really difficult for you I know, but he’s really young Parents splitting up is an enormous adjustment for any child teenager et cetera. I’ll be showering him in biscuit asking him what he wants for breakfast. I’m getting him to help me cook it including him not isolating him.

I wouldn’t offer to make a drink/snack/whatever without including…

YABU

Don’t move out on the basis of a mums net thread and the opinions of strangers on the internet.

Take time and take advice from people in real life, who know you, above all your partner.

One risk is if you move out and the relationship doesn’t survive, the 12 year old (adult in a few short years) sees his father lonely and sad having lost the love of his life. A bit dramatic perhaps, but I encourage you to take a long term view. Dynamics will take time - years - to smooth and settle.

Maybe the work to be done is you learning to accept short term compromises (lack of privacy, putting up with a typical annoying teenager, having to take on some step mum work) for future gain ( long term happy relationship with the man you love, long term, trusted and happy relationship with his son who grows close to you).

Just as an observation - you refer quite a lot in your posts to making meals and snacks and getting drinks for your DP and SS.

How balanced is this? Does your DP ever make you a special breakfast? Why are you doing a snack plate every evening for SS rather than DP?

Are you trying to show your DP love and it's somehow ending up with you being everyone's maid?

The "he made me go and get a glass of water" thing is very odd - if my preteen asks for stuff like this, I just laugh it off "nice try sunshine, you know where the tap is". It's odd that you didn't feel able to do that.

So much to unpack in this thread.

I think OP you have taken on board you are being a bit unreasonable re some things, like not offering him a biscuit but offering one to an adult man. Same re breakfasts.

Adult conversations to be had when he’s in bed or not there.

But midnight is far too late for an12 yo on a week night - it’s late for most adults who need to be up for a standard hours sort of job.

A lot of it is normal teen/ tween behaviour. Their are nosy and do think they know best. Of course it’s fine to point out when they don’t but it’s very normal. It feels like you weren’t ready to move in with a man who has a tweenaged son to me.

The child is obviously struggling and picking up on things which (unintentionally) make his feel excluded from ‘family’. No quick fix but you’ll have to just go gently with him if you value your relationship with DP. Follow DPs lead

Sorry this one jumped out at me - do you not put a jug of water and glasses on the table for every meal so people can refill?

Genuine question as I just assumed everyone on earth did this!

Actually it did.

One is now odd about physical affection, the other openly resents the fact she feels her parents were so wrapped up in each other that she was disregarded. Both have had quite a bit of counselling and help with it.

I can see where you're coming from. If you don't have kids, it may not be easy to adjust to living with your partner's child. After all, it wasn't you who brought this child into the world, so you shouldn't have to accommodate his needs to the detriment of your own, right? Well, not quite. The moment you moved in with his dad, he became part of your life, and being a child, a lot of things will revolve around him. You're trying to live as if it were just you and your DP, and that's understandable, he's the one you chose, but his DC is part of the deal.
IMO, you need some time to process this, and come to terms with the fact that yes, his child's needs will be above yours at times. But if your relationship with this guy is solid, you'll be fine.
Maybe read books and articles on how to deal with children? Or watch videos? One can't be expected to know what they haven't really experienced.
Hope everything works out for the best!!!

Sounds totally normal to me. My 13 year old would expect to be offered the biscuits first!!! My DP (he moved in 6 months ago and has no kids) has had to get used to the fact that we consider DDs needs first and then mine and his second.

She is also a nosy beaky teenager with an opinion on everything and she feels she is the most important person in the household and all decisions of note need to pass the DD litmus test before we make a firm decision and, until she is 18, she is right a lot of the time!

This is how it is for couples with children though. You do have to have quieter sex, or wait until they are out when they are old enough to be out without you. If you ever have your own children you will come to learn this. If you think it was mortifying and uncomfortable for you, I can promise it was worse for his son.

It's no longer all about you. If you want a relationship with someone who has children then it's still no longer all about you. Just because they are not your child makes no difference. If you move in together then you have to accept that certain things will need to revolve around the children and they needs and wellbeing. If you don't want to be that big a part of your partner's children's lives nd don't want to have to put them first then don't live together. It's very simple. It's absolutely possible to have a very hands-off, low-contact relationship with a partner's children where you have no expectations of one another and don't tread on one another's toes (and sometimes that's the best decision all-round) but not if you are all under one roof. Choose what you want, because you can't have both.