DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

A lot of this is what MN tends to put as "you have a DP problem"

He ought to be parenting his son and nipping some of this behaviour in the bud, and you need to be stricter with making it clear to him and his son what you will/won't tolerate. If DP doesn't want to step up and deal with it, then feel free to deal with it yourself and tell that child to stop it, butt out, and mind his own business.

NO PARENT would tolerate that crap, none, and DP is being ridiculous and clearly not parenting either.

That being said.

Stop making him elaborate time consuming breakfast. You handle that little game with "What would you like for breakfast? Option A, or Option B?" and you make sure they're both things you're willing to make, don't give him free reign to choose whatever, give him options.

Op you said about the breakfasts and getting up 30 mins earlier to make them:
But I'd do this for my own son so I'm expected to do this for my partner's so
Absolutely not! My DC is 7 and has huge pride in making her own breakfast- cereal or fruit and toast. Stop making his breakfast! A bowl of cereal OK, but do not get up 30 mins earlier to make him a lavish breakfast. Stoo this from tomorrow.

I know you're leaving anyway, but I'd stop the 30 min breakfasts unless it's a weekend treat. His dad should be stopping him from interfering with your adult time with friends. Sorry op, it's not your fault.

My children grew up with adults, rather than other children, They would make jokes and sometimes seem over familiar Insofar as one would not expect a child to speak so to an adult. However, they were also trained in manners. They would not have felt entitled to go through phones, demand someone make a breakfast specially…or if they did, they would accept an ‘Im not doing that today, pick something simpler and I’ll do a big cooked breakfast when I have more time another day. ‘
The problems with the stepson seem to have escalated since the OP . Those seemed pretty minor but the latest update made my hackles rise. I think that is not acceptable to parents, or guests or stepparents. He sounds like my grandson, also adult orientated, but with a keen mind that surprised me even at a year old. His comprehension, picking up nuances and humour were way ahead of his years. He could make witty rejoinders, not childlike but with adult understanding. He can also be very manipulative and turn situations to his advantage. He doesn’t get away with it. We are used to his attempts and he is not permitted to take undue liberties. Kindly with explanations but he knows we were children once and have learned all the lines he will try to pull. He might suggest where he’d like us to eat, if it’s under discussion, but will accept a different venue without demur. I can’t see him having an opinion on homewares unless for his room.

Since you are the one who moved in and his father doesn’t appear to be parenting the boy appropriately, I think you’re doing the right thing moving out.

A relationship with a parent is a relationship with their child/ren but it can and should be minus the sarcasm and snooping.

God I’m not surprised you find all that intolerable OP, I would too.

I wouldn’t want my own daughter when she’s 12 to be going through my personal documents willy nilly and not be able to have a private conversation without her butting in. He sounds really irritating in general tbh. I massively sympathise with him having to deal with his dad’s partner moving in, I’ve been there and it really is horrible at first. But some of his behaviour is unacceptable and your partner sounds incredibly wet when it comes to his son.

it’s a no from me, you’ll be so much happier once you’ve moved out!

ETA- If the relationship survives and at some point you want to move back in, I’d wait until he’s off to uni or flown the nest!

Op
I'm glad that you've made a decision that's right for you. Hopefully trust your dp can see that you've tried and will support you in this.
It might do your relationship the power of good if your dp has to make more of an effort.
12 year old know it alls can be annoying even to their parents who love them , to relative strangers they can be irritating in the extreme and it's fine you don't want to share your space with one!

It’s not normal, as in your interpretation is not normal. I really can’t understand why you’d exclude him, or indeed anyone, in that situation to be honest. Moving in is a big adjustment for all of you to make.
But you really need to be honest with yourself about what your wants, needs and expectations are here…what’s ’the romantic relationship’ you refer to? Do you want to just be a couple? Or do you want to be part of a family? The latter is your only option with this man. And buckle up, because teenagers are hard work!

The boy is clearly taking advantage and his dad doesn't seem to be helping. You said you'd do these things for your own child but the bottom line is that when you take on a partner's child you take them on as your own, warts and all. You're not ready to do this - not your fault, it just is what it is - and I think you've made the right decision to move out for your own sanity. I hope things work out better for you that way and I wish you luck with the move.

But I'm concerned about your comment that the child was being critical to you in a tone even your partner would not use towards you. He should not be speaking to you like that either! Is this the problem it sounds like, or has it come across in an unintended way - social media and all that...?

By the way, you can turn off comments if you don't want this thread to go on any longer. Not sure how, but have a fiddle! 😊

Have you told DP that you’re moving out? I think in light of your recent updates it’s definitely for the best that you’re going. For whatever reason DP’s son seems like he’s trying to make your life as hard as possible and testing to see how far he can push you. I don’t think this is going to be a worker for anyone. Are you intending to stay in a relationship with DP once you move out?

He’s won, hasn’t he? You’ve now given him exactly what he wanted. Every stepchild in the world tests boundaries - I know, I’ve had three for 26 years. Now he’s got his dad and their home to himself again. He must be delighted.

OP no. It's not. Or it shouldn't be. People are not reading your posts properly. If this 12 year old was treating their 12 year old the way he is treating you, the same people would be calling him all sorts of names.
But step mums ALWAYS get a pasting on here. You are doing too much for this boy. Stop indulging him. Stop jumping to his commands. He is enjoying bullying you, and seeing how much he can get away with. Tell him the breakfast kitchen is now closed. I would not do this on a school day for my own kids, you are pandering to him, and it's not good for you or him. He reminds me of those pets behaving badly showed, where the family dog thinks he is in charge, only because the humans have never taught him that he is not.

Sounds like it's for the best op. It might be a relief for you all, once you're out x

You are absolutely doing the right thing I would not put up with that carry on for a minute, sounds like little lord font is running the house!! His father needs to pull him up , I'd cool the relationship when you've moved out

You're assuming a lot here. Obviously there is something going on with the child. But everyone is clinging onto this biscuit as something op did out of some form of cruelty? Maybe lack of understanding yes. But the lack of information here and outright bullying isn't helpful in the slightest.
The child feels pushed out Obviously. But giving a child constant attention can also back fire. It's about being there to cushion the blow not give in to tantrums. It sends the wrong message. She to is in a new environment yet she is being asked here to do all the adjustments. It's her home too.
How about a good balance of advice and less stone throwing.

Well I would for my DC all of who are biological and live with both parents.

And if I knew I was living with a child had to adjust to living with a new person having just lived with his dad previously I would go out of my way to be extra supportive and kind. And if I thought that child showed signs of being insecure then very I definitely would for double down to make sure they didn’t feel threatened sakes. And if I thought that a relationship I wanted to stay in depended on making that child feel safe… you get the idea

🙌 thank you. My point exactly! I have been visiting my mum we have made a cup of tea. My niece is upstairs doing whatever she's doing. We don't call up or go see if she wants a cup of tea. Or My nephew is in the livingroom playing on his switch I wouldn't go ask him if he wants a snack because I just went in the fridge to help myself. Some people are so weird on here lol

See if my own biological kids weren't in the room I wouldn't be chasing them or banging on their bedroom doors to see if they wanted a cuppa. If they were in the same room as me then I would ask

I was a step child too and a nice person not hard faced .Luckily in my family we care about each other and offer each other drinks and snacks.

I'm a step child. I wasn't bothered if I wasn't asked if I wanted a biscuit. You are perhaps to sensitive it seems.

Because people are kind to 12 year old step children as a rule not selfish .

The child is only 12 even if he doesn't drink tea be kind and offer the child another drink.Try and be kinder to the child.Try and imagine how they are feeling.Children can be great company .

I dont understand if you are asking your dp what biscuit he wants why you wouldn't also ask his son. The same for the breakfast, it's like you are intentionally causing problems that wouldn't happen if only you asked them both what they would like. I think his son feels left out and given the way you have explained things I can't say I blame him. Also most 12 year olds like to be included in conversations, so maybe if it's something you don't want him involved in, have it when he isn't around, I'm sure you get time alone at night. Put yourself in his shoes, you have moved in to his home and now it feels like you only care for his dad and not him.