DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Wanting to stay up is normal at his age. But letting him isn’t. His dad has to have boundaries around bedtime, especially in a school night. But that isn’t his fault; he is behaving like tweens. It’s his dad’s fault for not dealing with it and maintains a bedtime. Bad parenting.

Not wanting to miss out on things you two do is just what happens with a child in a blended family. He’ll be a bit insecure, more so than his peers with parents still together. It doesn’t mean you have to limit your life with your partner though. The boy is old enough for you all to talk about this. He does need to be told that you have a life when he isn’t around, and you’ll do things but that you’ll also make sure he has a great life with both of you when he is around as well. And please make sure he gets lots of time with just his dad when you aren’t involved.

Offs... he is crying out to be included, he is trying to adapt to having you there and feeling pushed out. it isn't about you, its about him feeling like you're affecting the relationship he has with his Dad.

find things to include him and make him feel included, and then the time when he ought to butt out/be in bed won't be so stark.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP

You’ve explained it fine, but you have a very strange take on both family and romantic dynamics. How does asking a child in his own home what he wants for breakfast detract from your romantic relationship? Is it that in asking your partner what he wants for breakfast you feel as if you’re treating/spoiling him?

I think you need to revise your views on the house dynamic as a whole. I don’t think you’re meaning to be unkind, but you are being and I feel sorry for the boy

This sounds like my teen at the moment. I wonder if it is an age thing rather than household dynamic.

Of course he wants to stay up til the early hours - he’s adolescent, it’s how his brain works.

That poor,poor boy

If there was a child in my house then it’s them I’d be prioritising with offering drinks/breakfast/treats, not a grown man. I’d especially not be waiting on a grown man and then complaining that a child is asking for a biscuit too

my kids don't drink tea either, but if i have the biscuits out it follows that you ask if anyone else wants one, you don't just put them away and then tell the others to get their own.

This can’t be real but …

Him joining in every conversation is normal, if a bit irritating when he doesn’t know what he’s on about.

Not offering everyone a drink or a meal is just plain rude.

Poor examples where you were unreasonable. However, I can understand your frustration with the grown up conversations.

He’s an only child who’s been living with his Dad. He will be used to talking like more of a peer than a 12 year old with two parents and 3 siblings would, for example.

Neither of you is wrong, you just have different ideas on how you all should be interacting.

You have joined the household, so it’s on you to work out how to fit in with their dynamic. A decent father will back his child so whatever you do, don’t set yourself up in opposition.

I think this is actually probably an age thing more than anything. He's 12, therefore he's going to be part of any conversation that happens when he's in the room, at the dinner table etc and he will have an opinion.

He's not just a child who sits there and you can have a conversation over his head.

This isn't a step parent issue specifically.

You need to make sure that if you need to have important adult conversation you do without him around. Go for a walk or wait until he's in bed.

He's at the age where he can be left at home alone.

It's also absolutely brilliant that he wants to be with you both and involved in conversation.

You need to make sure that you and your partner are making an effort at the relationship, a regular weekly date night at least once a week

But then just encourage his interest and involve him in conversation

If another adult who didn’t drink tea was there wouldn’t you have offered them an alternative beverage?

It sounds like, in your mind, you moved to this house in order to live with DP only. And his son is some sort of independent decoration that makes noises and gets in the way.
This is a family home, everyone shares, why would you exclude him from things you do? As far as this boy is concerned, you dropped into their lives and are pushing him away from his own life, his dad and his home.
I don't think you should be living there, it's a disaster for this boy and for the relationship between father and son.
Besides, by offering and asking everyone present, you would be teaching the boy to do the same for others.

Just because he's a child he's still a bloody human being with feelings and basic needs.

I think YABU.

he is being a perfectly normal teenager, and you ought to be including him.

the fact you feel he is inserting himself like 'another DP' is a you issue and you need to address it. Quite frankly its bizarre you'd interpret it that way.

He’s hoping you’ll treat him like another person.
You have been inserted into his relationship with his father and it’s you that isn’t getting the vibe of the home.

Maybe, like you he's fighting for attention from his father.....he's been in his life a lot longer than you.

To me it just seems down right rude not to include the offer of food to someone living in the same house no matter what the relationship

I think as an adult you've been quite niave if you thought you could move in and treat an existing child in the house this way

Sorry but you’re the weird one.

Typical kid that age will absolutely insert himself into adult conversations. It’s his dad’s (and yours) job to teach him not to, to teach him manners. It does also mean you don’t have certain conversations in front of him. That’s just parenting.

Making tea and bringing a biscuit for your partner but you didn’t ask the kid if he wanted anything? Just told him to get it himself? Your partner can get it himself too. And not asking what the kid wanted for breakfast while doing everyone else’s? That’s odd. If the house rule is that everyone gets their own then fine, or that he usually gets his own then find. But if you’re standing offering to make breakfast then you ask everyone in a general “what do you guys fancy” way, you don’t ignore that he is in the room.

I really do think this is you not having real experience as a parent, not raising up a kid and learning how to interact as a family. But you’re blaming the kid instead of realising that you’re being quite rude actually.

Well the biscuit one was a terrible example, that’s a child wanting the adults in his life to care for him like they should do, you’re the one treating him like an independent adult by not offering him!

honestly op the adult conversation ones sound irritating but typical irritating tween level. He’s a child, treat him like a child, don’t make your dp breakfast and leave him out, it’s ok to also say I think this one is an adult conversation when he chimes in.

Sounds like he’s expecting you to treat him like family not a housemate.

Why would you make food for DP and not his son as well? If I had a friend or relative and their child in my house and I was making tea or food I would do it for both of them not just the adult.

How would you feel if DP made his son breakfast and not you?

I don’t have kids and even I know you don’t exclude one person.

I have a 12 year old with my husband and she 'always' listens in and 'always' has an opinion. No chance of having a private conversation with another person there. And agree it's odd to make something for your dh and not offer anything to your stepson. I think you just aren't used to children and living in their home means you are walking into a specific setup - he'll be used to it just being him and his dad so there was no other dynamic. Plus he's at exactly the age where he will think he's practically an adult.

I was like this at 12, had an opinion on everything, things I didn't understand

My step dad acted like I was the worst person on earth who didn't know their place

If he's speaking out of turn outside of the home, around other adults, then he needs to be taught that that's not okay

But this is children, it's perfectly normal for them to be a big part of your relationship and the household, particularly at 12

If you don't like it, you shouldn't be with a man with kids