DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Make your DP a hot drink, offer him a soft drink, biscuits all round.

This is weird. Give the kid a biscuit. Make him breakfast.

Your husband can sort his own food.

Very strange.

BTW, you are in a relationship with both of them. One is romantic /sexual. The other is a step parent, or adult friend if you would prefer.

' I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.' - WTAF? You came into THEIR family unit, the child has the right to be himself at home, ask questions, 'intrude' into your conversations. You sound like a horrible stepmother, who doesn't want him there. Go away and find a childless bloke for yourself or just accept the fact that your DP has a child and learn to love him.

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to be in the relationship, he’s trying to be a member of the family? I’m sorry but it’s not just you and DP as a couple and he’s some kind of outsider? He’s a member of the family and is likely feeling a little insecure that’s he’s being ousted a bit.

You are in a relationship with them both and always will be. You've descended on his home, you take his dad's attention and the dynamics will now be hugely different there than what he's been used to. Make a pal of him, chat to him and include him. Or call time on the whole lot and find someone without children in tow. But please be warmer to him, it sounds like he's picking up on you just tolerating him rather than enjoying being part of your DPs family.

Why did you not ask DP's son what he wants for breakfast, if you are doing breakfast? Very odd. And you made DP and self a drink and biscuits and did not include the child? How odd. I'm not surprised he feels left out, you are treating him as if he does not exist. Give him a bloody biscuit and ask what he wants for breakfast.
Don't talk about adult finances etc in front of children.

DP's son's behaviour is quite normal btw. It's you who are being odd.

Then it wouldn’t have hurt you to say “Do you want a biscuit, Dss?”

OP I am sorry but you have this all wrong. When you moved in you became part of an existing family, where the children are /should be a huge priority. You are now a mother by default. Not a partner, the dynamics have shifted but it seems you haven't grasped your role yet.

Well he's your partner's son so yes, you should have a good relationship with his son. As posters say, he's clearly very close to his dad and you have to bear it in mind how you include him in your new family.

i have never said this before in the 18 years i've been on here under various names.. i actually feel sorry for this poor lad.

You've been part of his life for 5 years, and you're still treating him like an annoying pet thats getting in the way.

He is a whole person who also lives with you, treat him like one.

Yeah, this sums it up.

Try being a bit kinder / more inclusive to the poor kid.

Can you imagine how you'd feel being in a house with two other people and one of them only ever offered things like cups of tea / biscuits etc to the other person?

And yeah, just have adult conversations when he's not around. I've got kids, I know it's hard, but it's just how it is.

It sounds like you wanted to move in with a single man and have a honeymoon period where you only need to look after each others needs. If that's the case you should have looked elsewhere because this man has a child, so by moving in you have become part of a family. It sounds like your fixation on having a romantic relationship is pushing the poor boy out of that family unit, so it's no wonder he's pushing back a bit. I feel really sorry for him, and I am actually surprised he is not acting out more. You need to have a hard think about adapting your behaviour to accommodate him more or moving on and letting him have his Dad back.

He’s 12, of course he’s arguing about bedtime. I work in secondary and lots of the kids are up ridiculously late gaming.

Not liking you doing things when he’s not there is most likely just that he’s feeling a bit put out by having his dad’s girlfriend move in. Your partner needs to make sure he’s still doing plenty of stuff with just his son that you aren’t involved in. He sounds like he’s become a bit insecure having you move in which is completely understandable. It was his home first, he just needs reassurance from his dad that he’s still the priority when he’s there.

Your arrival has changed the dynamic. He's 12 and doesn't possess the life experience to know what you expect of or want from him. He's used to talking to his dad with free will and considers being included as standard.

It sounds like he's worried he's not getting enough attention from his father, can they have a special day out or trip just the two of them?

And does he get lots of quality regular one to one time with his dad each week, that's absolutely vital. How many hours a week does he have his dad to himself?

Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one.

So you offer him squash and a biscuit, you don’t just ignore him!

Teenagers, and he's almost a teenager, don't go to bed. It's just a fact of living with them that you have to accept.

That's just normal.

Of course he's not going to be happy about his dad doing fun stuff without him, but he needs to get used to that.

Now onto the step part complication

Are you likely to have children yourself? He's probably terrified of being replaced by another child that will live with his dad full time

He's insecure and wants to feel included.

You came into his home. You need to adapt to him, not the other way round.

You really don’t seem to like the poor kid very much.

He’s clearly secure in his attachment to his dad. that’s why he feels he can challenge the OPs behaviour.

You sound like you are treating him like a dog, banished to the corner when the treats come out, getting upset when he tries to join in like he's getting under your feet.....even if he were a dog I would think you are being cruel!
I wonder what his dad thinks of your attitude, hopefully he's not just grateful to be getting regular sex and wakes up to your clear disdain for his son.

And of course it’s cringe for his dad to be going on dates.

It sounds like he is insecure.

I think you would find if you make more of a positive effort to include him most of the time, he would be more relaxed about you having some couple time.