DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Your approach is quite rude and demeaning. If you want a private adult conversation with your DH, have it privately, not in the same room as her.

Children learn from having conversations with adults and sometimes it's good to hear their perspective.

Instead of telling your DD she doesn't know what she's talking about (how dismissive), maybe explain your thoughts/the facts of the situation, etc.

OK, so I've just seen he spends time with his mum. So plenty of couple time, more than most families. I'm a lone parent, OP, no days off ever. YABU

I think it's obvious you don't have children of your own, the way he is acting is completely normal family dynamics it is your behaviour that is off.

He sounds like a typical 12 year old boy, just wanting to be a part of the new family dynamic.
YABU

It is his house and his father. You have joined. You are the outsider. This is not 'your romantic relationship.' This is you taking on a man who has a child, which means that your relationship doesn't just have two people in it.

He's picked up on your territorial approach (sorry, not sure what else to call it) and he's trying to prevent his being edged out in the ways available to him as a child. The less you dig your heels in about you and dp being a United Front of the Adults in the House versus him, The Child, and the more understanding you show to him and respect you show to the long-standingness and closeness of his relationship with his father, the sooner this will pass.

Bloody hell, I offer anyone in our house the same thing, whether or not they are family! Especially family!

By the same token, why can't your partner get himself a biscuit? It's a gesture.

This is normal family life.
You can't expect a 12 year old to play with his toys in the corner, he's not a small child. Downstairs is the family area, don't have chats about politics if you don't want him to join in. Teens go to bed later than you. It can be frustrating not to have much couple time for all types of families. Ways to carve out time include going out and dates, facilitating the ss social life so he's out with friends, going to bed and watching a film together. But doing things jointly as a family is completely normal.

Are you really that thick that this is all you took from that whole post? Or are you just doing that typical ‘hover over the ‘new posts’ like a total weirdo desperate to set the tone on a thread’ thing that’s so bloody common here. It’s like you have to get right in there as fast as you can and be an arse like your life depends on it.

Yikes, normal household dynamics are that everyone gets a flipping biscuit.

And just to add you're a prime example why blended families get such a bad rep.
There is too many people like you and your DP who think they can just prioritise their relationship and keep kids separate from it.
That's not how it works. Once you move in together you're a blended family and meeting everyone's needs and expectations becomes a balancing act. That requires effort, maturity and sacrifice. Often prioritising safety and healthy development of the children has to come first because they are vulnerable and dependent.
People who can't do that or who can't find genuine care and affection for partner's children should not move together until kids are adults.

Sorry but I think you are the problem and not the child.

You moved into his home, with his father, who he has had all to himself for many years. You should be offering him a biscuit, you should be offering him a drink, you should be asking him what he would like for dinner.

You shouldn't be discussing in front of him what you and DP are going to do together when he has gone to his mums. I mean, why are you? of course he is going to be feeling a bit insecure and left out.

You chose to continue this relationship and move forwards with it (moving in) knowing full well your DP and his son come as a package. You can't now complain that he is there, getting involved. You want to be part of the family, no?

The thing I was going to add is that you're not wrong for finding it annoying - it's totally reasonable to find it irritating.

I have a preteen too and DH and I can't have a proper conversation any more as he just wants to be part of it but he doesn't understand it properly and it's tedious having to explain it all to him etc.

I can imagine that someone else's child is even more annoying.

But that just is life with kids - they are annoying sometimes and if you are joining a household with children, you can't expect it to be the same as an adult only household. It's not ok to expect him not to join in conversations in his own home or to not include him in what's for breakfast/dinner chat.

You're better off than many stepparents as he spends time with his mum and is presumably off doing things with friends and things as well so you do get time without him.

If you don't think you can handle it, it might be better to go back to living separately

Why would you offer DP a biscuit and ignore his son? Of course you should have offered him one too. Same with breakfast. This is basic stuff. Maybe save the grown up, mortgage talk for when he's out of ear shot.

It looks as if you're the one who's 'misunderstood the dynamics', OP.

I'm getting a sense that you expect it to be all about you and dp and for his son to 'know his place'.

You're the newbie. Not him. It's for you to adapt. Not him.

Does your dp know you're thinking like this? If I were him and I learned of it, I'm afraid you'd be moving out again.

From what you’ve described it sounds like you are leaving him out. I would ask everyone what they wanted for breakfast etc

most teenagers have opinions and generally don’t know anything about it, adult conversations should be held away from him.

My DD is almost 10 and is very similar.

Shes my DD so I have no qualms telling her to mind her business or stop talking about things she knows nothing about. I appreciate that's a little more difficult with your situation though!

I have no advice just didnt want to read and run as I think most posters have missed the point of your thread.

My DD will eavesdrop on my conversations and then repeat what I have said, but she makes it out like it's her own thought 😅 despite her not having a clue what shes talking about

That's not a rude child.

Thats a child who lived alone with his dad for a long time and is now scared that his place as the person his dad spent time with has been taken by you.

He's insecure. He needs love, and time. Not criticism or judgement.

Wanting to stay up is totally normal for kids too! And being up until midnight if they can get away with it. Children don't voluntarily go to bed most times.

His dad needs to be a bit firm about the bedtime.

You don't have to tell him what your doing while he is at his mums if it doesn't involve him. That doesn't mean hide it but is it necessary to mention unless he asks?

And yes you are the one who is in the wrong!

I haven’t RTFT but have a heart - of course you’re in a relationship with both members of your new family. I am a parent and I also have a partner with children. If I offer my partner anything like a drink or a snack, of course I also extend the invitation to any children within ear shot.

Likewise, if we’re having a conversation with the kids around, of course they’re included in it if they want to be. It’s just basic love and warmth.

This is such a normal part of preteen life and something all parents deal with. It’s irritating when they’re your own nevermind when they’re not but you have to make the call on whether you can manage this, it’s not up to DSS to adapt his normal behaviours to suit you. You could talk to DP about setting aside some dedicated grown up time, maybe book some time off work together when DSS is at school or go on date nights.

People are going to carry on fixating on the biscuit OP. Some people are incapable of seeing the bigger picture.

The other examples pretty much paint a kid who's feeling insecure and is being a bit dominating.

Does his dad have one on one time with him. Just him and kid?

Lucked · Today 12:17

I mean you just lack basic manners, are you even British

Yeah, cos foreigners all lack manners, obviously 🙄

Do you struggle with the change from ‘days SS is not here’ and ‘days he is here’? Is that where the forgetting to offer food and drink comes from - you’re in a pattern you can’t break out of when he’s not with you both?

Do you like boundaries and rules?

It sounds like you resent the poor boy living in his own home, with his own father.
What do you hope to achieve? Drive him out of the house? Fend for himself completely independently?
You really need to buck your behaviour and attitudes up.