DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

What was his situation like before you moved in? This sounds similar to a scenario that plays out on here regularly where the single father has girls and the girls start competing with the girlfriend to be the most important person in the father’s life. It sounds as though the son is starting to enter the first phase of being a man and he’s kind of role playing it in the house. It feels uncomfortable because you are not his biological mother which is why blended families can be difficult to navigate.

My suggestions are having a conversation with his father initially and maybe a conversation with the son in regard to how he is finding the house dynamic and if he is happy.

I understand. I can imagine it well.

What does DP say about it? I think it’s up to him to have a word.

This! No way I’m moving in with my DP until all the kids are grown up 😂

All families have different dynamics and all parents have different sorts of relationships with their children, but the reality of most houses with children in them is that the house revolves around the children when they are there. If parents/partners want time to themselves or their relationship to be at the forefront, they either have to go out or wait until the kids aren't there. You can't really expect children, even at 12, to hold back or "read the room", especially in their own home which is their safe place. They're naturally self-centred and don't share adult boundaries. If they want something or want to be involved, they'll usually ask for it or speak up, however annoying or inconvenient. Personally I think it's quite difficult to live with kids who aren't yours and with whom you've never had a parental role.

He just sounds like a few gay men I know who describe their childhoods? Most of them describe liking corrie and chatting to their mums friends about their love lives (I was the same but am a woman)

Not to speculate on the boys sexuality or anything, just explaining how normal he is. It doesn't sound like he thinks you're his partner as well as his dad's at all.

Hope he grows up feeling loved by his dad and like he comes first. Because he does, op.

When my dh first moved in I made to point to him that if he's making me something he also offers them as otherwise he is sending the message that my needs are more important than theirs. Yes he married me and loves me more than anything but without the kids there is no me. It wasn't instant but he loves my kids and we all live together as a family, not a couple with 3 lodgers.

I wonder if you’d feel the same way if the child were female? It seems like you’re reading a bit too much into him noticing things about your appearance which are actually quite normal. My DPs DD often notices if I’ve dyed my hair or I’m wearing a new dress before my DP and I always find it quite nice! Would you find it weird if a friend noticed you’d had a haircut before DP did? Maybe your DSS is just more observant than your DP!

My DP’s DD used to do the same thing re: entering the bedroom without knocking - it was just something she’d been used to doing all her life so we just made sure we were prepared to cover up or stop doing anything if you get what I mean!

Maybe if you and DP both start knocking before entering his private space (if you don't already) then it might be a good way to approach a conversation about privacy and boundaries? He’s getting to the age where this will be important to him too.

The poor kid.

He is 12 not 2. Don't exclude him you seem to be thinking you are going to enforce unreasonable boundaries into their lives.

Why didn't you have the manners to ask him if he wanted a biscuit? Why are you sneaking off in him? Hiding a coffee from him?

You don't appear to have realistic impression of what a typical child is at this age. Either work on including him or step away.

Why did you move in? What happened to your own house?

I read that the peak age for adoption placements to break down is at 12. 12 year olds are annoying. They’re trying to figure out where they fit into family dynamics now that they’re no longer children but nowhere near grown and their confidence can outpace their maturity and their ability to read the room. Sorry to say 13 year olds and 14 year olds can be even more annoying, especially with offering strident opinions on topics they know nothing about.

This is not to depress you, just to reassure you that if things feel tricky it’s not his fault or anyone else’s either, it’s just a tricky age, and having to suddenly share his dad with you all the time must be a big shock on top. I’d make sure the two of them still get plenty of 1-1 time, and also make sure you both expect him to help around the house to a reasonable amount and don’t let him become a lazy slob out of guilt about disrupting his life.

He's at an age where he's noticing what 'girls' do. You have to accept that if you are going to live intimately (as in, in the same house) he will notice details about you.

Keep it light. 'You've changed your earrings' - 'Yeah, I fancied a change.' It's no big deal. He likes clothes, that's ok.

I do wonder if you'd find it so odd if he was a girl?

Some of what you are describing is just normal "living with teens".

You can't put teens to bed at 8pm (or whenever) like you can with younger children. You can't banish them to sit in their room either. They may go to bed at the same time (or later) than you do. So that means that "couple time" might be in short supply as they are always there. And if they are there, they will expect to be fully included. It's doubly a problem in your situation as your SS is used to having his dad to himself.

In a year or two or three, your stepson will have carved a life that revolves more around friends and being out of the house (or sitting in his room on social media). But at the moment, you have to accept that he will be there. That would be equally true if he was your biological child.

He's commented on my make up free face, he notices and comments if I change my earrings or wear new lipstick even before my DP. He often compliments my clothes. He used to enter our bedroom without knocking early on too. And in the early months, there was a time I'd gone downstairs in the early morning to fetch a glass of water and came back to find him sleeping next to my husband!!
My kids might do all this op and none of them are 10 yet, just so you know. I had been gardening and had some petals and plant bits in my hair. My eldest today said you look beautiful with that in your hair mum. (Me: pleased!) him: NOT you look like you’ve been pulled through a hedge. (Me:hmmm) I just mention that so you know being a bit cheeky about your appearance is also very normal, not him picking on you very personally!

Are you a lot younger than your DP? Because you do sound pretty naive and immature. I think PP have articulated perfectly everything that's wrong with your attitude.

The dynamic in the house has changed - because YOU changed it when you moved in.

Not offering to make breakfast or give him a biscuit is really odd and very impolite. Surely you would ask both of them what they want to eat??

Also he is 12 - of course he wants to be involved in ‘adult’ conversations, nearly all teenagers are proper little know it alls at that age! And staying up late and not wanting to go to bed? Sound familiar? Total normal behaviour.

It’s up to his dad to put those boundaries in place. You shouldn’t be having ‘ important’ personal discussions in front of him anyway.

As for being jealous of what you both do when he’s with his mum? Christ that’s glaringly obvious that he’s worried about being pushed/left out… poor kid. Surely his dad is having conversations about this stuff with him? And reassuring him that won’t happen?

Although from the tone of your posts it does sound like you expect the boy to be seen and not heard.

You don’t come across very well I’m afraid OP.

Did op say he could have an opinion!?? Outrageous brat.

OP with respect. You've moved into your step sons house, not the other way around. He has more right to be there than you do. You'll be the first out of the pair of you to have to leave should that ever arise. You don't seem to understand pre-teens very well, of course he thinks he knows it all, of course he wants to be offered a biscuit in own bloody house, of course this 12 year old boy is testing the limits of his bedtime.

You're the outsider here, not him.

Gosh, if he was my son I would ask you to move out.

If someone is making food, offering biscuits, making breakfast, then they should offer the same to anyone that is in the house surely, not least a family member. If a discussion is being had in front of people at home, regardless of their age then they should be entitled to an opinion and to join in the conversation, regardless of age. If you want to have private conversations not involving kids then have them away from the kids. OP, I think you have the problem here, you are not understanding how important it is for kids to be included and learn from adults. You are in danger or becoming the wicked stepmother.

He compliments your CLOTHES?! What a shit.

Agree. He’s part of the family when he’s there ( sorry!). I know plenty of dogs who get offered a biscuit when the family have one.

The conversation thing is normal.

I found your post disturbing tbh - even wondered if it’s a wind-up.

I'm single, I meant more when I'm on the phone and shes listening in

I will be rude and tell her she has no idea what shes talking about when shes been ear wigging on conversations between me and my friends and then tries to come and talk about things she has absolutely no idea what shes on about - when I say talk, I dont mean she wants to discuss. She likes to come down and repeat exactly what I have said but makes out like it's her own opinion. And when asked what she means she cant say because she has no idea what she means.

🤣🤣 at explaining my thoughts and feelings to my almost 10 year old when shes earwigging on conversations. If it was a conversation I wanted to have with her, I would of already

We are both autistic and If shes being rude I will just tell her. Because it is rude behaviour

OP I think it is you that doesn't understand the household dynamic. It is your stepsons home, always has been, long before you even started dating his father. You have now moved in and are trying to behave like you are just in a couple rather than a family. I feel very sorry for this poor child. You moving in will have completely altered his life. I really hope you come across better in real life than you do here. Your posts make him sound like an inconvenient problem in your life. At his age he will be in or entering puberty. He will have recently started senior school and will have all the emotions and problems that come with those. At the very least he deserves a loving, caring homelife. You really don't come across well here at all.
If you want private adult conversations then have them in private.
If you are offering to make a drink for your DP and your stepson is there why can't you just say do you want a juice or whatever and give him a biscuit too. Same with breakfast if you are offering one person in the house a choice, why not everyone or why not just leave everyone to sort themselves.
As for your romantic relationship with your DP. If you want romance to be anywhere near the top of the list of priorities you are in the wrong relationship. That's just what family life is.

Wow Op - you are the outsider here not the son!!

why would you not offer him a biscuit or ask him about breakfast - my god you sound rude and awful.

and he should be able to speak in his house - it was his house before yours!

if you want to discuss grown up things do it away from him.

Absolutely shocking and quite disgusting behaviour - from you!

He sounds normal enough to me. I don't understand why, if you are offering some refreshment or whatever to his dad, you do not do the same for him. He's a person, it's just good manners.