DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

You've moved into this child's family home. He is not just an inconvenient "extra". By choosing to move in with his dad, you are choosing to have a relationship with this child. Of course it isn't the same as your relationship with his dad, but he shouldn't have to feel like a second class citizen in his own home either.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has children. They come as a package, and that's what you're signing up to if you decide that you want to be with him.

O find your attitude weird not the child. Our almost 13 loves to be in convos and I would never dream or think of not offering everyone who is in the room at the time a cake or biscuit. It's you that's weird and I actually feel sorry for the kid who clearly just wants to chat and feel included and even our 3 youngest will appear to chat and they all have various subjects they enjoy to join in. Funny enough our nearly 13 is the deeper one likes to chat about world events,household stuff etc and we never ever discourage it. You seem to have the problem trying to push child out, not the child

If you don’t understand how a child can worry they’ll be replaced when one parent has a new child, and then lives in a complete unbroken family unit with their new partner and new child then no one here can help you.

If that’s something that you don’t understand then you are vastly lacking in common sense.

Go and read the many posts about this sort of scenario then you will understand.

It’s lovely to see you taking all the feedback onboard and it’s great to hear that you made him a snack platter. It can’t be easy adjusting to living with a child when you don’t have any of your own and kids of this age can be frustrating and often a lot less grown up than you’d expect at this age. Hopefully the advice on this thread will help you to build a better relationship with him and also to understand that his behaviour is totally normal for his age.

In what way?

So, as an adult, I would never make myself/someone a drink/biscuit and NOT offer to any other human being present, child or step child. It’s effing rude.

As an adult I would never discuss private/personal issues such as mortgages etc in the presence of an uninvolved third party, especially one I did not want to invite an opinion from, child or step child. It’s effing rude.

You get my gist? It’s not the child. It’s you.

Poor kid.

Oh, and PS. You have moved into HIS home, are in a long term relationship with HIS father … of course you have a relationship with him.

You are very naive

Also, it's really weird that you consider including a child /being a family as being like "your partner ".

He wouldn't be replaced, but it's not unreasonable to fear the change in dynamic and worry about being pushed out.

A half-sibling would be loved by both his dad & OP - and while he may be confident about his dad loving him, OP doesn't think to include him much of the time.

Baby/toddler far cuter than a 12 yr old 😂and would need a lot of attention.

It's a really difficult dynamic to negotiate especially if he's already feeling worried about his place in the family.

He lives there and merely visits his mum.

“Impolite” is putting it politely …

He could be ‘replaced’ because the child of his dad and OP would live there full time - whereas the son currently spends part of his time with his mum.

You sound like you see yourself and your partner as a separate entity and not the three of you as a family?
You have put yourself into that’s child’s home and space. Before you came along, it was just him and his Dad, so I imagine it has been difficult for him to adjust to this new situation with you suddenly around and calling all the shots.

Adult natured conversations and decisions should be discussed privately away from earshot of this boy who is just going about his business in his own home. What is he supposed to do, make himself scarce for your convenience?
So yeah, I think you are being the unreasonable one. Poor kid.

I think he sounds like he's behaving as I'd expect a 12 year old to behave. The person behaving oddly here is not him.

What jumps out at me is the he doesn’t like us going on our own without him so I would perhaps make sure DSS still has some dates alone with his dad and perhaps you also could do something on your own with DSS
i think the interrupting adults in conversation is more a personality thing than the situation.

I feel quite sorry for the lad.. this is a precious time for him and his dad as soon he'll be a grumpy teen and probably won't want to be anywhere near you guys. This is the last sweet bit for a while (speaking from experience!). And he's being made to feel unwanted. They leave one day and then that's it, the time has gone.. Their self esteem can really be affected by this type of thing. It sounds like he's managing the dynamic quite well to me.

Why would he be " replaced" if another child comes along? They'd both be living there

OP you've had a lot of good advice on here explaining his behaviour, including from those with teens/tweens telling you that's life!

I don't think you're as dreadful as many people are saying you are. You've not been in this situation before and maybe haven't navigated it well so far. But I'm glad you posted and are taking the responses on board. You'll do better from now on. You're not his step mum (MN hates anyone calling themselves a step mum when they're not married to the father!) but to all intents and purposes that's your role now that you have moved in and he lives there permanently. You are a three person household, not a 2+1. You are in a relationship with him and he with you.

But what I've noticed is that the only mention you've made of his father is about sleep and bedtimes. What is he doing to help both you and his son through this major life change? He needs to be taking an active part in this not leaving it all to you and his son to adjust.

It's hard adding any child or adult to an established household, and really important to recognise DS's position as a valued member of the household still. That means being as considerate and inclusive as you can, obviously in an age appropriate way. Offering his dad a biscuit and not him is quite hurtful.
If he chips in on conversations about mortgages and so on, it's a golden opportunity to help him understand how these things work. Of course his questions will be ill informed at first, he's 12! I'd suggest that any conversations you don't want DS to hear should be carried out in private.
I never lived full time with my DSC, just had them to stay one night a week and saw them for holidays and outings. I tried to make them welcome in my home (it was my home and my now DH moved in with me), but looking back there are all kinds of things I wish I had thought of saying and doing, to acknowledge that they have had a really hard time losing their dad's full time presence in their family home and to reassure them that they were welcome and precious.

I think I'd find it challenging living with other people's children personally. And certainly nurturing a "couple" type of relationship around them.

I think you need to move out…. For the sons sake

OriginalUsername2 · Today 12:56

I understand. I can imagine it well.
What does DP say about it? I think it’s up to him to have a word

Er,no. It’s up to OP to understand that his son comes first.

My 12 year old son sleeps in our bed a lot, I often sleep in his bed, we have a musical bed situation in our house where we all end up un different beds as the kids want to snuggle with us to go to sleep. In terms of complimenting you maybe he senses you are not happy with him and is trying to make some connection, or coming into the room unnanounced, hes lived with just him and his dad it sounds like for ages so hes never had to knock. you are going to have to find a way to ensure he is felt loved and accepted by you and you are coming into his family remember, not the other way around.

It sounds as though he feels excluded, OP. That's not your fault but you being there must have radically affected the dynamic between him and his dad. He might well like you but resent that change.