DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Not sure you’re cut out for this step-parenting lark. Remember he was there first. You’re just the Dad’s current girlfriend. Know your place.

Your dss is not living with you, you're living with him.

It's you who has misunderstood the relationship.

And it's awful to read your posts.

YABU.

Husband or partner, OP? Hopefully the latter. Your comment about him getting into bed with his Dad made me so sad. Please bow out and give the lad a chance of a healthy adulthood. He didn't ask for all this.

Well yes it could but it is much more likely in a blended family, so trickier for all concerned to ensure that it doesn't happen. A child having a full sibling has their mum and dad living with them in the home so is much more likely to be helped navigate a new sibling than a child in a blended family where the new baby will very much be the stepmums priority.
Just because it all worked out well in your family and nobody felt replaced or sidelined doesn't mean that it works in every family. I would say yours was one of the lucky ones and obviously had adults that prioritised the needs of all the children. Sadly this really isn't the case in many families.

You are in a relationship with both of them, but obviously a different type of relationship. I imagine it will take a while to figure out the dynamics. But hopefully you can settle into something where your DSS is a welcome part of this new unit and not an unwanted addition who you resent having to offer a biscuit to. Teenagers are hard work, so grit your teeth now and summon up your patience for the next few years.

Unless you’re not expressing yourself well the early examples you gave don’t sound like your DPs son is being unreasonable.

I think if you move in with a partner and their child you do need to take on a step mum role. You can’t expect to exist in a romantic relationship with your DP to the exclusion of his son. You will need to work hard, like other parents, at carving out adult time for yourselves like date nights but when you’re at home yes I think you need to nurture and treat him and include him in stuff.

Young man is reflecting back to you, what he is seeing/feeling. That you are treating him like … a third wheel.
(Dare I say “stepchild”? In the awful phrase - getting treated like a stepchild???)

Appreciating his directness - OP, you are in any room in your home with a group of people, and you are excluding one from generosity/ hospitality/ kindness. That’s rude.

How much effort would it take for you to be inclusive? He’s not looking to be your partner …. He’s looking to be treated like a person. He’s not invisible, he’s not less a person.

Start acting like an adult. This young man sees you, and is calling you out for your excluding him from kindness & decency.

This is why so many stories feature the child being sent away by the stepmum - to boarding school etc - so she can have the father, her new husband to himself, and not have to change her identity and become a stepmother at all.

You can make it work OP but to do so you need to embrace and value your relationship with this boy and ask yourself every day what you can do to support and love him, and make him happy. He needs to be a core part of your life and thoughts for the next 6+ years (if he’s on track to leave home at 18 for university)

And adult conversations are best had walking the dog or early in the morning before the tween is awake. We all know they have ears like bats and more opinions than a politician.

That could also happen if the new baby was a full sibling though. Kids often get their noses pushed out of joint when a sibling is born

My DGS asked me if mummy and daddy will love the ( expected) baby more than him. He's 8 and always lived with both his parents

I don’t think any of you have grasped that having moved into a father and son household as his romantic partner a dynamic has to be formed for all of you - yes you want to be recognised as his Dads romantic partner but he is a member of the household and needs to be treated as such. Boundaries suitable for a very nesr teenager need to be implemented but also ones that recognised that he is heading towards being a grown up with views

I understood the biscuit scene, not sure why everyone else took it the wrong way. Ditto breakfast. Though with the latter yes you probably do need to be more 'aware' of the child and not just doing nice things for DP.

You don't mention if child sees his mother (and if not, why not) which is important in terms of their history. But whatever the reason, DP & son living together all the child's life means you moving in has drastically changed their relationship. Maybe partner has been treating his son too much like a flatmate and not enough like a child? Maybe he doesn't like being the 'bad guy' and wants an easy life by not setting strong rules and boundaries and having consequences for inappropriate behaviour. Whatever that dynamic was, you moving in has changed it, hence why the atmosphere is weird & uncomfortable.

As for the know it all/butting in thing, whilst that is pretty normal for that age maybe child is doing it to feel part of the new unit that is you and DP and not him. Perhaps your partner used to talk to him about more adult things and now he has you so child feels that change. Your partner should be (gently) putting him in his place a bit more and telling him not to interrupt or offer opinions which are nothing to do with him. Most parents would knock that on the head pretty quickly as it's an unattractive trait to acquire. Similar with the bedtimes, why is your partner not just making him go to bed.

Personally I think you are mad to be getting involved with a man with a child, less alone moving in to their house where they have lived long before you came along. But if you want the relationship to continue both you and DP need to have some serious discussions about how you all work together to establish a new family life together going forward.

PS; If you want children yourself, for gods sake don't have one with DP until all this is sorted out as it's a sure fire way to make his son feel really unwanted/go off the rails).

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if you’ve answered this already. How does DP treat his son? Is he setting boundaries? Does he tell him the conversation regarding adult matters is between the two of you? Or does his son believe he’s at the same level as his father and should be treated as an adult and not as a child? If it’s this then your DP needs to put in some boundaries. Ignore the majority of comments on here, the biscuit was a poor example but too many posters have jumped on that without looking into why this dynamic is occurring.

I don't think his behavior sounds unreasonable. He's only 12 and is just trying to figure out how he fits into this newish living arrangement. Most certainly he feels left out and insecure. You and DP should be doing more to help him adjust and at the very least, that should include offering him something to eat/drink if you are asking DP.

Try looking at it from the perspective of a 12 year old boy that lived just with his dad for 11 years. He will already be feeling sidelined and OP doesn't appear to be doing much to help with that. I can see why a 12 year old boy in those circumstances may fear being pushed out if a baby comes along. It does happen. I'm surprised that as an adult you would not see that.

A weird atmosphere where I … cannot exist in a romantic relationship with my Dp.”
😳😳😳😳🙄

Why wouldn’t you offer the same to everyone?

you’re a parent now, step up

OP, you're driving DSS's anxiety about being excluded from stuff by not including him in perfectly normal household interactions. It sounds like you expected the dynamic would be more like you'd be a live-in girlfriend and DP would somehow be single-parenting his son as if you didn't live there, and the two relationships would be completely independent of each other.

This set-up would possibly work for looking after a dog that pre-dated the relationship, but is obviously inappropriate for a real human child, as is demonstrated by the anxiety your DSS is showing.

If he's there why wouldn't you include him? He's a child and if you're making yourself and dp a brew ask him if he wants a drink. He might want a hot chocolate or a cold drink. If you had a family member there would you make DP and yourself food and drink without offering the family member anything?

Yes, YABU to expect to enjoy romantic one on one time with your partner whilst a 12 year old pretends not to be there. YANBU for not wanting him to butt into adult conversations and expecting him to go to bed at a reasonable time but it's odd you didn't expect these types of road bumps with a 12 yo living in the house? When has any 12 yo ever wanted to go to bed early?

How sad. I've read all your updates and I think you've moved in too soon and you're not stepping up into the role you need to take on. Move out and have your boyfriend to yourself when the kid isn't there, it would be better for everyone and not affect the child's adolescence so much.

"Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one"

So you say..."just making some drinks Bobby...would you like a hot chocolate or a glass of squash (or whatever he likes!)?"

This is totally normal.

So simply ask your SS if he would like a drink of any variety!!! Doesn’t have to be tea or coffee!!

I do think that although there may be some boundary enforcement needed actually most of this is about your understanding of what it's like to live with another person and their parent.

The example you gave about entering room without knocking and getting into bed with his dad.

This is 100% normal and wouldn't ever register for most people. But clearly you felt that a massive boundary had been passed.

I think that it would help you to realise that you've moved in with both of them, and the son does have a really important relationship with you - whether you want it or not.

And then talk to your partner about putting in place regular date nights and making sure you carve time for a relationship