DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

It sounds like he wants you to act like a parent or adult in the house, not a partner. At the moment, it sounds like you’re trying to act like he doesn’t exist - it’s bizarre.

By moving in you have taken on his son as a step parent. Of course you should ask both what they want for breakfast, not just ask your DP, as though his DS doesn’t exist.

Of course you shouldn’t be talking about mortgages and finances in front of a child and expect him to just block out the conversation and not say anything.

It’s a bit concerning that your DP is allowing you to treat his poor DS like this. He’s going through a huge change and rather than trying to make him feel included and create a secure family atmosphere your attitude seems to be that children should be seen and not heard.

12 year olds "know it all", so welcome to the fabulous world of teenage sons, and this is only going to get worse. You have two options: a) Smile at him (while rolling your eyes inside), give him a biscuit like he matters and have a proper private conversation with your partner about boundaries, handling this issue and how it's affecting you or b) Move by yourself.

I would offer him a cup of tea / biscuit / food whatever it is . As for the convos , he is just trying to be included . I wouldn’t have a problem with it , seems normal to me .

no-one is making you feel that way; you’re making yourself feel this way.

You're the adult here — not the 12yr. Is he an only child? If he’s inserting himself in conversations, why not include him and try to get to know your dss. Also, as many others have said, tweens are notorious for this behavior; my very own 12yr old nephew thinks he’s an expert at politics, cheese, and money! Sound familiar?

Where is his mum? Does he see her? If he's lived with dp and without a mum around, then I can see how he might be very confused and at the same time territorial over his dad. I feel sorry for him tbh. I'm not even sure what you can do in this situation without upsetting him and causing major issues. You moved into his house, so I guess that makes it tricky too.

Poor lad. You came into his home a year ago right? He’s feeling displaced and an afterthought.

I find this quite sad, really. I don't really understand this "us and them" approach to raising children. It sounds very much like the Victorian thing of children being seen and not heard.

I don't see why kids shouldn't have input into the decision-making, personally. And if conversations are being had why they are around, then I don't see why they shouldn't be equal participants. If it isn't appropriate for them to join in, then save it for when they aren't there.

YABVU

YABU. He wants to be included. Just like he was before you came along. Give him a biscuit and include him in conversations if he shows an interest. It’s educational for him to be able to converse about grown-up subjects.

You might not explain it particularly well but I think what you are trying to say makes sense.

My DH and I figure out what's for dinner and the kids might occasionally give input into what they want but it's clear they have no steering role in deciding the weekly menu. Our kids might be around when we discuss health or mortgages but they are not participants in the conversation.

It would be jarring if they tried to be and I would correct them, but I would also be taken aback at how I would articulate why.

Basically they have a limited standing in those conversations and your stepchild doesn't quite seem to realise that.

I think you pick your battles carefully, smile and say, "thanks for your input, we'll take it on board" and then if they push again, smile and say "I love you, but you are not deciding this, you'll have plenty of time for that when you are a grown-up".

Your post OP made me so sad. The poor boy. I can't imagine how he must feel with your sneering looks of him going in to bed for a cuddle with his dad in your place. Sooo bizarre that you see him needing his dad's cuddles as something odd and in competition with your physical needs and quality time with his dad.

I hope you are taking in these comments and realize that your relationship with his dad should always consider the needs of the child in this family (although you don't seem to be considering his son as family but rather an annoying byproduct that happens to live there for now).

I hope you change your ways OP in light of the comments here.

For some things, you will have to actually teach him, explain, like a parent would.
e.g.
"It is not appropriate for you to comment on my clothes or make-up - children don't make comments like that to adult women".
Say it in a kind voice, but just tell him how to behave.

At the same time, make a big effort to build your relationship with him.

Because like it or not, you ARE in a relationship with him. You are a step mother. Try very hard to make a success of it, or your relationship with DP will suffer and possibly end.

You then asked what dc wants. I always serve children first whether it's mine or others. And when I give children biscuits and DH asks if he doesn't get any I tell him he's an adult and get them himself.
As for butting in on conversations it's NORMAL for a 12 year old to give his opinions on everything. This can be a learning experience where you explain things to him. Sensible discussions can not be held near children, they all listen in when you don't want them to never listen when you want them to. He's a normal child and he's your DP's child so you really should try to include him and always asks what he wants if you get your DP something. He risks feeling left out if not.

He needs to go to bed on time, father must enforce it. Other than that he sounds like a normal 12 yo

Why would you not ask him if he wants a tea and a biscuit, if he is in the room? Ok he can probably make his own but then so could your husband!

He is in the family. If you are unhappy that he is 'baggage' then why marry the man? Did you hope the boy would disappear???

He sounds like a 12 year old boy who wants to socialise with members of his household - unlike many 12 year old boys who would prefer to hole up in their rooms.

For me, that would be quite charming but I appreciate I might not be setting great store by romantic moments alone these days.

In any case it's very possible he will soon beat a retreat to his room for a few years to grow a moustache, develop a deep voice, shoot up several inches and realise the other adults in the house are tedious and very dull.

Here's hoping!

He sounds like a really nice lad who is, like you, trying to work out a new dynamic. It will take some time and will probably go better if you and he don't feel like you're in competition for your partner's affections/attention. You can both be his priority in different ways, for different things. If you treat the 12yo like a nuisance and he starts to feel like one, that's not going to go well. Why don't you and your partner take the lead in asking the son outright what his worries, anxieties, concerns are, what he thinks is going well, and what he would like to suggest about the household dynamic? He'll feel happy to be heard and consulted and you'll get some info to work with so you're not second guessing his behaviour/motives the way you are at the moment.

Why would you leave one person out of a brew round or breakfast?
He sounds very typical in terms of having opinions. You just have to save adult conversations you don’t want him involved in for when he isn’t there, or ask him to go to his room if it’s mega urgent (not much really is)

He's 12, he's figuring out relationships with people other than his parents, teachers or peers.

Much of this is entirely normal behaviour - honestly its your behaviour I think less normal, not offering him something if you're offering that same food/drink to your DP..

Has he spent a lot of time just with his Dad or with a lot of other adults who have treated him like a mini-adult? When that happens, a lot of kids will struggle to get social interaction right with a new adult ... and of course 12 year olds know absolutely everything and think everyone should hear their opinion... More so if they have been the centre of everyones attention for some reason (ie, child of a single dad, no Mum around at all), or in some cases... they actually do know more than you think (probably not about mortgages though!)

Try not to view this as him being rude or challenging you, that would be unfair particularly as you also seem to be struggling with how to interact with him appropriately! Be patient and help him figure this out kindly.

I'm assuming you don't have your own children? You are being very very unreasonable. I feel sorry for this little boy. Who makes drinks and snacks and breakfast for them and their partner and tells the child sat their to get their own? And begrudges them climbing into bed next to their dad?
I hope he lives more with his mum?
I'm not sure you living as a family with a child involved is for you atm

Just to add - for DSS's sake you do need to set boundaries like bedtime, and I think privacy in your bedroom isn't an unreasonable boundary for a step-parent to set, but most of the interactions you describe with him are him crying out to be involved as a family member and to have a relationship with you, OP. He doesn't know any other way to do this than trying to join your conversations with DP or complimenting you on stuff.

You need to establish your own relationship with him, and to treat him with your DP as part of the family unit. Like any other family unit you will have to save conversations you don't want him to hear until he's in bed or out. Once he feels more secure, his anxiety about you and DP doing things alone will dial down.

That’s just normal behaviour in a family in my view. If I get up to make a drink or food I offer everyone, including my teen daughter and her boyfriend. If her bf makes himself anything he also always offers us. It’s just polite.

same with joining in conversations, it sounds like the lad just wants to be involved and included. Where do they learn to talk about these things if not in their own home?

Speaking as a step parent it's bloody hard work a lot of the time .
I'm sure you are very much aware the child has to come first and your situation is the more complex one in that you have fitted into 'their' home and relationship.
On here i'm afraid you will get a lot of negativity as the 'outsider' even if the kid is devils spawn .
I haven't got the answer i just wanted to say good luck i hope you all settle in well together and become family, and despite any negative comments you may get you can bet that the vast majority of step parents everywhere have been driven to the point of self combustion by the 'little angels' on more than one occasion !

Do you want a relationship on any level with this boy?
I don't think it's possible to move into the home where a child is living and expect the adults relationship to continue as it was when dating, where the child wasn't the main feature.
Did you discuss what role you were willing to provide to this child before you moved in?
It does sound like your own expectations are not being met. That's ok. But not the child's fault at all.
If you can't find a way fit in to their (father and son) dynamic (although I agree some adjustments are normal) then you should leave.