DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

DPs son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

You are in a relationship with both of them!

I feel like you probably did not assess your role properly before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child. You are living together therefore you are a stepmother in some form for some of the time - maybe not officially because you are not married but you certainly have obligations to behave in a parental way around him, make him feel wanted and at home and give whatever support you can really. I have the impression you aren't really willing to make that contribution, therefore best to be honest and stay completely out of the child's life, and probably his father's too.

I think this is all valid. I'd move back out if I were you.

In re other posters though, no I wouldn't have wanted my 12yo staying up till midnight, I did tell mine off for interrupting an adult conversation or phone call, and at 12 they can get their own bloody biscuit.

I can also see how the poor kids probably feels that his home's been invaded.

Move back out and you'll all be happier!

I'm embarrassed to say that I remember being like this when I was a child.

I recall offering to fill my parents' tax return for them. Mum just said "Plenty of time to worry about that when you're a grown-up."

I was an only child and - years later found out that I was on the spectrum. I've no idea whether that's of any relevance or not. I suspect that I was just a pain in the ...

ETA I wanted to stay up late, but wasn't allowed to, for the most part.

Great update.

When are you leaving?

From your update OP, I’d say definitely move out to preserve your sanity. Also your DP doesn’t sound like a great dad, a 12 yo should not be staying up till midnight every night, that’s nowhere near enough sleep at that age if he’s getting up for school every day. And the constant interrupting isn’t great at all. So yes with this set-up I think living with them both is going to be really stressful and make you all unhappy. Teens are already really annoying when they’re your own and you love them.

he is seeking attention from you as well, not just his father. He wants you to act like his step-mom, rather than his father’s partner. You should have a direct relationship with your partners son.

No, most parents don't get annoyed with their child talking to them, even if being interrupted.

Many don't mind their (almost) teens staying up late every now and then either.

Also, it isn't your bedroom, it is his dads bedroom - that you (his girlfriend) is currently sharing. I'd be absolutely fine with my DD hanging out in my room no matter who I lived with.

The "my DP had more time for me" comment is also quite telling. He is a dad before anything else, even you.

You really shouldn't have moved into his house. I am not sure you even like this poor lad.

You are being very weird about this, and rude not to offer him a biscuit or some breakfast. He's not trying to be treated like an adult, he's trying to be treated like a human being, which he has a right to expect from his stepmother.

Spot on
I can hedge a bet that OP isn't a parent

Also don't know if any PP has said - he can get in bed with his father - it's his father and he has probably being doing it always. You are the intruder.

This is literally just called being 12. Of course, you should offer him a biscuit or breakfast if it’s going round. He isn’t a lodger.

As for being opinionated, I’m afraid this is just how it is with pre-teens/teenagers. My 11 year old argued with me the other day because I clearly, in her opinion, do not understand parking rules in town and she was insistent I could park somewhere that I clearly couldn’t. I was like, you are 11 and have never driven a car and I’ve been parking cars nearly 30 years, stop being such a twat! 😂

It’s fine to just tell them to but out or to make their own breakfast within reason to encourage independence.

I think you need to move back out op.

You have invaded his space, not him yours.

@Dpmn553 how were things before you move in? Did your partner involve him in more adult discussions? Did he ask for his opinion? Used him as a sounding board/talked at him?

You want him to behave like a child and not join in adult conversations, but you want him to behave as more of an adult than your DP and make his own breakfast.

My 10yo has an opinion on bloody everything, especially anything difficult and conflicty (insurances and mortgages are in this camp as it will often be quite an involved decision). He recently tried to wade in to a conversation at passport control on the way back from holiday (and I had to be quite firm when he wouldn’t butt out). I think this stems from a need to contribute to conflict resolution.

he also hates to be left out and tbh this doesn’t surprise me about your stepson. He is essentially looking to be reminded that he is still important since you’ve moved in. Not offering him a biscuit or consulting him on breakfast is a shitty move OP and one that will have bigger longer term repercussions. He’s gone from a household unit of him and his dad, now you’re there and you’re constantly reminding him is lesser than.

Yes, you generally have to wait until the children are in bed if you want to have a private conversation, or go into another room. If another adult lived in the home or was visiting, would you start a private and personal discussion about your mortgage in front of them, and then tell them to stop butting in if they volunteered an opinion, or would you think that by starting the conversation in front of them you'd made it not private and personal?

It's quite rude to expect to have conversations and have one person in the room to be excluded from that conversation, regardless of their age.

Does your Partner spend any one to one time with his son ?
It sounds as if he is struggling to find his own place within your family

Poor boy.

He is picking up on you not specifically asking him.
It's likely something which is borne from his Dad being in a relationship with you, feeling insecure and his brain telling him that you are someone who can alter his closeness with his Dad ( albeit unfounded). It's not uncommon, as we are all human and complex.
Just make a point to include him too, just to reassure him that he matters too.

Well he does sound annoying I can't imagine not offering a biscuit to anyone else in the room. Child or adult.

Im amused at him sticking his nose in all the time. He needs putting in his place, sooner rather than later. It feels like he thinks you are all on equal pegging. So he can go to bed when he wants, state what to do about a mortgage etc. Unless you are about to give us a massive drip feed then he won't be contributing at all financially and very little practically. He's 12! Fine for him to have input into which Chinese main to get for takeaway, which DVD he would prefer etc. Not for him to be telling you to go for 5 year fixed mortgage rather 2 year tracker. Or going to Maldives, rather than Clacton next year. He doesn't have the understanding of all the ramifications plus it's none of his business ultimately. Plus why do you have to restrict what you say in your own home? I wouldn't be concealing any outings, again he needs to learn that sooner rather later.

The biscuit thing sounds petty though

You moved in to his family home, not just with DP
He feels pushed out and replaced in his eyes, and frankly I'm not surprised when you fail to include him when you're handing round the biscuits?
That's basic manners surely?
Hell, I even ask my neighbours 4 year old if he'd like a soft drink and a biscuit when they come in
It's normal at 12 to have an opinion and you make allowances and include him where possible.
He's learning about life and is probably used to having chats with his Dad.
That shouldn't stop just because you moved in
Basic kindness and empathy should be part of your behaviour.
Frankly you don't need to have your own DC to understand this.

Our kids talk plenty and have plenty of opinions. ><

Why not involve them in the discussions? Because I want to decide on the dinner plans without having to explain to an 8-year-old what we still have in the fridge, what the budget is, what dish takes a lot of time or none, that we can't have french fries four times a week, or any number of reasons really.

Why not discuss it when they are not around? What, kick them out of the room to make routine decisions? Or rather, only start chatting to my DP after 9pm? To not hurt their hypothetical feelings about the fact they don't have standing on everything?

I don't mix myself into a conversation my DS and DH are having about rugby. I don't go and mix myself into a conversation my DD have about how they are going to rearrange their room. And I am perfectly happy for them to have these conversations *within my earshot.

It doesn't have to be for everyone... But OP is not unreasonable with those types of expectations.