DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

But he does eat biscuits?

You sound incredibly rude and like you are deliberately excluding the child. If I was your partner I'd want you to move right back out of the house again.

I agree. In a family house, the kids are generally the priority and the adults fit their relationship around the kids. This is why imo so many step-parent relationships run into difficulties - it's hard to sacrifice in this way for children who are not your own and who you don't necessarily feel at home with.

Great to know you have a solution. All the best for the future

Definitely move the fuck out, that's an incredibly odd dynamic for the poor kid. He's expecting to be included in the family, not treat like an interloper.

I'd say it's a very unhealthy dynamic to expect a child to live in. If anyone is an outsider, it's not him.

Read your update - wise move moving out. Things will change if you move in bc you are naturally going to be absorbed into the family unit and the son be going anywhere for a few years yet. Hard to move your relationship on living apart though. May have to call time

No, actually 12 year-olds should know not to interrupt, it's rude

Midnight every night is too late

And if the OP has moved in she is entitled to a private space. If not the bedroom then where?

Yes the biscuit and breakfast things were wrong, but I think the OP needs to have a full and frank discussion with her partner and see if there's any way forward or not.

A child has a central place in a family op. If you are struggling with that, I think your instinct to move on is the right one.

Well done for identifying this early on, and for your acceptance of the issue. A lot of people push a square peg in a round hole then it all blows up down the line, with more damage done.

Please don’t “blame” this on the boy when conveying to his dad: he honestly sounds like a normal 12 year old. Children shouldn’t have to behave other than age appropriately to accommodate their parent’s romantic life.

Exactly this, it’s almost like she expects to treat the 12 year old boy like her partner’s house mate as opposed to his young son - so weird!

Please don’t marry this man OP - I am picking up serious (hate to use the term) evil stepmother vibes and a likely disparity if you ever had children with him. Leave now if you don’t like the fact he has a child, you should have probably considered what moving in with them would look like first.

It's hardly adult to make your own breakfast. 8 year old DGS is perfectly capable of doing so

Sounds completely reasonable, whatever gives you peace of mind go for it. Being a mother is hard, but being a mother when you did not ask for it sounds a bit of a nightmare.

I would definitely move out if I were you. I can’t really see any advantages for you by living there. If you’re able to move out and continue as you were before the move (if you want to continue) then I’d choose that.

If we are being honest, that fear probably isn’t unfounded.

My DP is very supportive and wants me to remain living with them.

But I don't think he is supportive. There have been many posts saying that you're not considering the situation from the DS's point of view, but DP isn't thinking about you either. He's carrying on as he has always done with the added benefit of getting his washing done (and presumably some sex when his son allows 😉)This has been your home for a year, even if they were there first.

I think it's a good update OP and although a lot of the responses have been (imo at times unnecessarily) harsh, it seems it's shone a light on the issues for you. The conclusion you've come to is I'm sure the right one for you. And so that's what you must do. Don't be swayed by DP saying he wants you to stay. He hasn't done anything to make it easier for you, in fact you have a harder life now than you did before you moved in. Only his is easier.

Good luck and I hope you get settled in your own place very soon. And should it be that it spells the end of your relationship I still think it is absolutely the right thing to do.

Maybe talk to your partner and explain that

1. You need quality time with him, and just him 2 or three nights a week.

1. You need privacy, put an internal lock on your door.

1. That his son needs to not interrupt and go to bed before midnight, which are completely sensible requests.

If he isn't willing to even do those things, then moving out seems sensible

I agree, i struggled with being part time step parent ( I mean the kid already had both patents albeit not living together, and as dad's partner hou don't have much right or say in tye upbringing). But it was all different once I had my own kids. You will know if you op want kids, and maybe only when you meet a man you will realise hou want kids from him.

OP, honestly, not everyone is cut to accept-embrace-love other people's children. It doesn't authomatically mean you can't have your own.
I love my child to bits but generally do not like children , was never interested in babies (except for my dc),etc.. That's why I would never consider becoming a step-parent.

What you have described in terms of your DP's son's behaviour is pretty normal for his age, but so are your feelings around it, despite what many of the responses suggest. I'd imagine that many of those replying are commenting from the perspective of being biological parents rather than step-parents. It's very normal to want and need privacy and space from a child who is not yours. It takes time to find your roles when becoming part of a non-nuclear/blended family and it's hard, the only chance you have at working through these things is by being able to communicate with your partner and address issues and feelings that arise.

In terms of the 12 year old's behaviour, my DSS who is 12 is the exact same in butting in to adult conversations and giving opinions on things that he would know nothing about and it used to drive me nuts, but my mum encouraged me to see the funny side off it and just laugh it off (not in front of him, obviously) and that's helped me not to take it so seriously. I'm lucky though that for the most part, this annoys my DP too and so he pulls my DSS up on it.

Needing time with your partner is important too and something that you need to communicate with your partner about. We were in a similar position at one stage and I discussed with my DP about us needing time for a couple without kids as well and so bedtimes were important for that as well as regular date nights. Even if we can't get anyone to watch the kids, at least once a month we get them all to bed early and will have a date night in the house, make a nice meal of whatever. I think that's important for us but also important for the kids as it gives a positive example of a relationship and making time for one another.

However, if I were you and didn't have children with my DP (we have children together also) I know that my life would be much easier and less stressful if DP and I lived apart so I would give that some serious consideration if I was you as it sounds like you may get more out of your relationship if you live apart.

You sound like hard work. He sounds like a typical kid.
I spend half my time asking my kids to give me and my dh a minute to have private conversations or waiting till a better time.
And if I'm making breakfast I ask if anyone wants anything . It's just normal family behaviour.
If you didn't want that dynamic why did you move in?

@Dpmn553 Where is step son's mother in all this? does she never have her son or has she passed away? you partner really needs to start teaching his son some social awareness because that looks like it is sadly non existent!

Good luck, OP.

@Dpmn553

I don't think the fact that you need your own space and don't want to be a stepmum makes you ND at all. I'm NT and made a decision when I was in my early 20s that I would never date a man with children, it just wasn't for me. I wanted to have my own children though and had two, I just didn't want to be a stepmum. So don't think less of yourself because you don't want to be one, either.

The thing is, your DP's son and he have already established the parameters of their relationship. And that relationship must always come first, that's just the way parenthood works. You either have to 'slot yourself in' to their already existing relationship or move out. If your DP can't deal with that, then it's time to walk away.

Also, if the child doesn't have a good relationship with his Mother there may be abandonment/attachment issues/trauma stemming from that which is why he is maybe quite needy/needs reassurance. Poor lad I want to give him a hug myself.

The butting in during conversations sounds annoying, but he’s at that age where he thinks he knows it all and is trying to understand how the world works. I think it can be a good thing he wants to be involved in a way. I don’t think I’d view this as such an issue depending on whether he accepts answers when I’ve explained or not!

If there are important things that really mustn’t be said in his company, can these conversations not wait until he is in bed? As for offering snacks and drinks, it seems odd to me that you wouldn’t offer everyone? In this house if someone is making a cup of tea etc, everyone is offered, not just adults.

It’s obvious to me you are making him feel unimportant compared to you and DP.

People are giving the OP a really hard time here, and perhaps haven’t read all of her posts, but I find some of the comments unnecessarily scathing, mean or even cruel. OP, having friends in similar set ups I think your words show positive self awareness and openness - I hope some of the advice here is helpful and it works out with your DP.

Good relationships are hard to find and all require compromise.

With five years already invested in each other, it might be worth compromising by living apart for a few short years in order to save a loving relationship for the long term.