DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

In my house I ask the kids what they want for breakfast…. Husband rarely gets a say ;)

sounds like you would prefer it was just the two of you.

I got this vibe too. He is looking for affection and to feel wanted/included in this new dynamic. OP appears to be annoyed by the boy and not want him around. I have an 11 year old, he’s always getting involved in our conversations.

It sounds to me like you want a romantic relationship with your DP, without a child around. Everything you've described that the child does is perfectly normal. You offer biscuits and breakfasts to DP but not the child, you don't like the child contributing to conversations held in front of him. It's just my opinion of course, but i think you need to live apart and conduct your adult romance separately from the child. And I see that you may think this too.

This! If I were that kid I'd feel really hurt. I also hope you're not making your DP choose between his son or you as you might be disappointed!

I find the post sad you are the outsider that had moved in so you are now a family which should mean that you include the son. I actually feel sorry for him he must be feeling left out. When you make a drink regardless of whether he likes tea ask him if he’d like a drink too yes he can make one but that’s not the point . You have gone into a family unit so include him more. 12 year olds do have opinions you know. If you don’t want him joining in the conversation speak about these things when you are on your own with your partner. I don’t really think it’s weird what the boy is doing he’s been with his dad all his life so he wants to feel included. I’m suprised his dad dosent find your attitude strange.

I just feel so aggrieved for that poor kid and so bloody angry at you !

I see the op says she thinks she is ND. She reminds me of my daughter who was dating a chap with two younger children for a year. He finished it and said she didn't seem interested in his children. I probably said the wrong thing, but said 'well you are not are you' If things had carried on I could see the not getting the child a drink and biscuit would easily happen with her. She just wouldn't think of it. She also is probably ND, no diagnosis but has become more noticeable as she has grown older and had very few relationships at 39. She doesn't see normal social cues so maybe this is also part of op problems.

It sounds like you're all just finding your feet with the new living arrangement.

As a rule of thumb, if you approach each situation with the child's needs at the front of your mind, then the rest will probably flow from there.

Iam.with OP on this, child sounds a precocious brat!! I can't bare kids butting in. I'd have to tell him to shut up interrupting.
As for a 12 year old been up till midnight on school days is ridiculous. He should be in bed in his room.at 9pm so you guys can have time on your own.
I'd move out,this won't improve, you don't sound like you get back up from the father,who quite frankly has created this monster and has allowed this behaviour. You won't win this. And actually if I was in a room with the father and was making a brew and biscuits, I certainly wouldn't put myself out to go looking for the child to give him a biscuit he can help his self

You have what is known as a teen. Wants everything, Annoying, arrogant, knows everything! It’s just his age. And nothing to do with being a stepson. Don’t worry it only lasts about 10 years at most!

A few people have called you weird and been quite harsh with thier reply, I don’t think you are weird and I understand your fustration, you were likely in work mode and didn’t even think to offer the child a biscuit nothing more nothing less, really not a big deal, all he had to say is please can I have one and it would of been no big deal of course you’d if given him one?. I get the feeling he gives you attitude and expects you to act as his mother which you’re not. It is unreasonable for him to be funny if you two go on coffee dates without him, a non blended family home have date nights! Although it’s important to make him feel included, it’s also important that he knows his dad should have his own separate relationship and experiences too and he does not rule the roost. Good luck, being a step parent is the hardest thing. I’m following the nacho style step parenting and it is working for me.

Hi op,

I am on team kiddo that knows it all, because it sounds like he acts like a kid and he actually includes you in his “I want this”… “I need that”…”why didn’t you…” so that tells me he cares about you.

On the other hand…I am not reading so much care from you to him? If kiddo picked on that, he will fight every sentences and breaths in between.

So yeah. Just give him a biscuit 🍪

Good luck 🌺

I’m sorry but it does sound like you’re leaving him
out. Why wouldn’t you ask him what he wants for breakfast also. He’s not a robot! What did you expect when you moved it. It’s pretty obvious you need to make a big effort with his son as it’s a big change for him. It could be a lot worse!

🤣🤣 yeap!

Difficult situation. When you moved in a year ago that was a big change for his son, instead of it being just him and his dad; from what you say if sounds as though he might like things to be the way that they were and is struggling to cope with that change, perhaps he needs some reassurance from his dad.

He feels like an add-on.
Why isn't he offered biscuits, drinks, breakfast etc when your partner is?
It's not hard to say what would "you two" / "everyone" / "you guys" like for breakfast. Instead of just your partner.
As for butting into / joining in adult conversations.. it's an age thing. Typical to that sort of age specifically.

-why- can you not ask the -child- unable to provide for themselves because they are a child if they would also like some food? In all honesty, you do sound like you're a Mother to your partner. Going to pack him a lunchbox next?

I agree with this, the poor boy notices everything about you and like you said notices before you partner does and compliments you too! He needs nurturing, he's a mature boy so enjoying and anything was discussed before with no boundaries they kept each other going. You've come in and have kept him in arms length, why don't you go out for meals together instead of just you and your partner the quicker you accept him the quicker you'll find he'll probably say why don't you and dad go, he's still getting to know you well trying too, and I also agree your in his dad's bedroom just lock it when your getting changed and then leave it open, imagine he was your son you wouldn't be telling the world he's walked into my room! Plus you need to be offering him food first!!! If you had family over you wouldn't pick and choose who you'd ask! Even if he wasn't in the room call out and ask him it's not rocket science. It's quite sad you mentioned that your considering moving out cz it's getting too much for you and you partner had more time for you before... Sounds like you gonna wait till he leaves home. I don't know who's the child here! He just wants to be involved like he always has been. You need to work on the child or get out... Plus as the father he should really have told her I have another half that your not seeing isn't invisible! He just needs some recognition and love and to be accepted. Stop neglecting him!! ... Also I should mention I do have to rein my son in every few months he forgets his place.. my 14 year old secretly brought me to tears over the weekend with all his answering back (not stating his opinions but arguing back.. There's a difference) but been lucky with my older two they are/were golden, plus I think it's my premenopausal thing making me extra emotional, anyway I'm going off on a tangent, but yes it's normal for teenagers. Now go and make this family work!

This is exactly what I would have posted.

Doesn't matter if the child wasn't having a cup of tea, he should have still been offered a biscuit, and an alternative drink. You need to realise him and his dad come as a package. Perhaps do things with the child, just you two. You're the adult.

You sound like a cold person OP. This is a child you’re talking about, do you have any feelings at all for him - doesn’t sound like it. Perhaps moving in wasn’t a good idea for you or the boy! Yes he comes as a package with his dad, at least for the next 6 years. You’re coming across as the stereotype cruel stepmother. I hope your DP notices it and rethinks his relationship with you, because his relationship with his son will be (should be) the stronger one.

If I tried to offer my DH a biscuit without also offering my kids one they would not be happy!

in my family and growing up, you offer something to everyone in the house or no one.

a cup of tea/drink should be offered to anyone present. Ditto biscuits etc

its also normal for kids to listen in to adult conversations so yes sensitive things need to be discussed when they aren’t there.

you’ve described a very normal 12 year old.

I'm a bit confused by the post OP. I wouldn't give my husband a drink and biscuit without asking others in the house if they wanted one too. Or only ask my husband what he wanted for breakfast but not others in the house.
I don't see how your stepson is behaving like an adult he sounds like a pre teen wanting to be involved in his own home. Unless you have some different example

OP seeing that you may be ND I can understand that it's a bit of a change (I'm AuDHD), but I have DS14 and DD11 and it just sounds like he wants to be involved in a family dynamic. It is his home and he presumably sees you as a stepmum, but there may be some concerns from him around the relationship he has with his dad. My BF has visited us a few times, and my DS seems keen for him to be a stepdad (we're nowhere near that stage), and looks forward to spending time with him. My BF is childless, and worries how to behave, whether he should be involved in telling the kids what to do, etc. It's a difficult thing changing a home situation. As for the adult conversation, my kids always want to be involved in adult talk, and it's good as it's probably helped them to learn some things, it's just part of growing up

When you start a relationship with a parent with young children (as in not adult children), they come as a package, so, yes, moving in with him means that you are having a relationship with both of them - a partner to DP, a "stepmum" to his son. Not offering the kid a biscuit and/or drink at the same time you and your DP were having them just seems a bit mean - would you have ignored DP's mum or friend, too? Just seems like a weird thing to do, almost like you are going out of your way to be horrible to the kid. I'm a single mum, sole care of my child, and if a DP behaved like that towards my child after moving in, they would be moving back out pretty quick.