DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Mortgage advice. 😂😂😂 That cracked me up.

OP I am a stepmum. I get where you’re from at his inserting himself into conversations but see it like this:

Try to imagine him as your own and how you’d teach your own child. He is still learning. Bio mums of babies and toddlers involve them “what shall we have for lunch today?” The baby of course isn’t going to really decide but it’s all part of learning and developing language and social skills!

Yes he may not be able to offer the best mortgage and car advice 😂 but again he’s learning from you both about life and take it as a compliment that he looks up to you that he wants to be involved and learning from you both!

With the biscuit thing you may think he’s old enough but again take it as a compliment that he wants you to ‘mother’ him and offer him a biscuit.

If it helps and you have that sort of relationship, try to make a joke of it “didn’t realise you were buying your own home, when you moving out?”

I know it’s a fine line with step parenting and you’re not trying to replace their Mum but I do believe if you’re a stepparent the kids do appreciate some motherly / fatherly love and when they’re doing your head in try to ask yourself “if he were my bio kid how do I think I’d see this” - it helps me.

He's bloody 12 not a adult he will want to be included

Reminds me of the episode of Only fools, where Delboy reconnects with his ex, Pauline. She makes Del an amazing steak dinner and he comments on how he hasn’t had a steak like that in ages!!! Rodney says “I know, we had corned beef!!!” When questioned as to why when he gave her money to feed Rodney and Grandad also she replies with “I’ll cook for you and me, and you and me only!!”

It sounds a bit like you've become the house slave, making drinks and snacks. Does your boyfriend ever take a turn?

This won’t help at all. If he feels you’re sneaking about it will cause him to not trust you. And trust is massive to a preteen… ( well anyone). My daughter was like this with me. Couldn’t go anywhere without her, not malicious on her part. Just because she didn’t want to be alone. Put yourself in this little lads shoes. He feels left out! Same would apply if his two best friends went to the park without him. You shouldn’t have to pretend you aren’t going somewhere or doing something. Just say “we are doing this just us, tomorrow though we are all going to XYZ” and please please make sure you make sure he still gets alone time with his dad!!!

You are basically very rude!!!!

I'd be devastated if I wasn't offered a fig roll, I bloody love them!

Really?
His feeling left out, poor kid ! Feel sorry for him.

Oh, I was a complete pain! My parents' were saints.

@WearyAuldWumman not the point of this thread but just brilliant that you offered to file your parents tax return for them, can't stop laughing! Encapsulates the tricky age of being very knowledgeable before your time very well 🤣

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

TBH this is just how kids learn. They plunge in with their naive opinions and then the adults explain what they’re not seeing so that they can understand better. Maybe he could use a bit of work being told “You’re welcome to join in the conversation but please make sure you wait your turn”, but it seems like the OP just wants him to butt out entirely.

On the other hand, I think midnight is way too late for a 12-year-old to be up and I can understand that the OP wants a little time alone with her partner. 10.30pm is plenty late enough as a bedtime for a pre-teen. Mine are in bed an hour before that.

This. I think you’re the one who needs to adapt. You’re moving in with a little family.

Of course you should be offering him breakfast, snacks etc. He needs to be included like any other member of the family. When you moved in you basically agreed to take on the role of "bonus mum". If you're not willing or able to do that you need to look at yourself. He deserves better.

I'd think your DP would probably want his son included rather than excluded.

Does he know that you are depriving him of biscuits?

I'd be upset if I wasn't getting a chocolate hobnob, or someone wasn't sharing the Jaffa cakes...

I feel quite sorry for him, from what you've said it seems like he's trying to get you to like him - compliments etc. He maybe feels excluded and left out.

If I was making food or a drink for someone I’d ask everyone in the house. Conversations not suitable for children should be had out of earshot of children.

This!

I'm left being the person who gets them biscuits and cooks and cleans for them

why on earth have you adopted that role?!

It’s normal. Kids are not peripheral figures whether they are biological kids, or step kids. You are all a family. Only when you and your partner are alone can you be ‘just a couple’. The rest of the time, whoever is there is part of what is going on.

Things like the biscuit and breakfast, just ask a blanket question 'doesn't anyone want a biscuit, what do you both want for breakfast'.

As for the adult conversation, that sounds about right for a nearly teenager. Know it all, opinions that aren't coming from a place of knowledge. They will seem ridiculous to you and your dp, but it's all part of growing up. Just nod and engage in the conversation with him, but as you said, if it's something you don't want a 12 yr old to know or have any input with don't talk about it in front of him.

I think you're right, he doesn't know where his place is and he's trying to navigate it all. The power dynamic has shifted, his dad no longer just takes him into consideration but you too, it's probably as strange to him as it is to you. Cut him some slack.

He sounds exactly like my kids (oldest is 8). And they also insert themselves into every bloody conversation. There's nothing wrong with your dss or the dynamic. That's just normal life with kids. And of course he'd like to be treated like any other family member and asked about his preferences and offered treats when others are.

Uggh also apologies for quoting the op...

My advice OP if you want to make this work is

1. Spend some 1:1 time with your step son. Get to know each other.
2. Spend some time as a 3 doing fun activities.

He’s a child and naturally looking for a mother figure. It seems you’d rather he just stayed in his room. You’ve moved into his home remember that. I take it you don’t have children as you sound like you have zero knowledge of children. I never ever understand women or men who bring in people anywhere near their children when it’s very clear on how you feel about his child.

This ^^^

@Dpmn553 - you took on a Man who has a child living with him full time. The two of them come as a job lot. From what you are describing, his Son feels pushed out and I don't blame him.

You have to learn to do the romantic stuff when the son isn't around - out with friends or in bed. It's what you would have to do if you had your own children. I hope you can see and understand this point, because I don't hold out much hope for your relationship with his Dad in the longer term if you don't. Sorry

I am not being judgemental but I take it you have no experience with children. When asking about breakfast try saying (to both of them together) what do you two want for breakfast, maybe followed by suggestions of stuff you have. Same with cup of tea, who wants a cup of tea, plus biscuits ? If PS dosn't want tea to drink say what would you like (whatever his name is) remember his dad has been there all his life, you have come into is life a year ago, treat him nice till he's fully at ease with you and you with him. He could be living with you for the next 10+ years. Have your serious discussions when he's gone to bed. I'm speaking from experience and know exactly what it's like. 😁