DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

Lord help me but my five year old would also not be happy if I ordered his dad breakfast and not him, or have everyone a biscuit except him. He also thinks he gets a say and has an opinion, and doesn't like us going out without him. It's just normal. No one likes to be excluded in their own home.

He sounds very normal to me. My 11 year old son would also get extremely annoyed if I didn’t involve him in things, and leave him out. He butts in every conversation. He’s our son, he has a say in our house.
I think your stepson wants to be treated like a son too.

Ooooo jammy dodgers!

I’m confused - you call him your husband here? But you always refer to the boy as your DP’s son. So he’s your step-son? Married or not to be honest if you’re living with him he’s your step son - and he’s probably dealing with an awful lot adjusting to this new home-life. You sound very disassociated from him - I feel really sorry for the child.

OP it sounds like you didn’t have much of a relationship with DSS before you moved in and now there’s any expectation that you operate like any normal family with a 12 year old and you’ve realised that’s not going to work for you. That’s fine. But please don’t drag this out. Your partner does need to prioritise his son and his son is naturally a bit confused about the rules of you living there.

If this truly isn’t what you want them break it off and move out. Nobody would blame you but please don’t stay and expect your partner to suddenly start shutting out his own son in his own house.

NEWSFLASH - You ARE in a relationship with both of them.
And he’s 12, not 2. Of course he wants to be included in conversations.
Oh, and it wouldn’t kill you to make the poor little bugger a hot chocolate and a couple of Jammy Dodgers when you put the kettle on.

This

So mean, poor boy

Thank God someone said it! What the actual fuck? What modern woman still does this? No wonder he doesn’t want you leave…and no wonder the 12 year old lad is wanting you to wait on him. Jeez wake up op! 🙄

Stop making excuses, you've messed it up. Put it right, and remember this is a difficult time for him.

Really? If I was making tea in the front room I wouldn't have been banging on DSs bedroom door asking if he wanted one. Obviously if he was in the front room with me I would

Yes YABU but at least you've asked so now you know. Your DP and his son are a package deal. You are literally in a relationship with both of them in the sense that you cannot have a relationship with your DP that your stepson is somehow ... External to?

As you live with them, you need to treat them both like immediate family. Your stepson isn't a lodger in his own home, but an equal member of the household. In fact in a very real sense, he "outranks" you - he is a child and he was there first.

Imagine that instead of a stepson, a close adult relative was living with you on a permanent basis. Would you offer your partner a biscuit in their presence and just ignore them? Would you ask your DP what to have for breakfast and just act like they weren't there? Would you have discussions or lengthy conversations in front of them with your DP, and completely exclude them?

You can't expect your son to keep our of your business, even if you consider the issues being discussed to be "adult". Whether they are or not, he wants to be included not condescended to or ignored. He sounds like a completely typical 12 year old.

He sounds exactly like my kids that are similar ages. If you don't want the experience of living with normal children then you should've stayed living separately.

Imagine your parents smugly eating chocolate chip cookies and not offering you one...

This is how childhood trauma is caused.

I think the kid just sees the three of you as a family and therefore gets upset when you leave him out. My guess is that he scared that he is unwanted, and you are unintentionally validating this fear by not considering him when you're doing things for other people in the household. It's strange that you interpret this as him thinking he should be treated like a partner, rather than this being about a kid just wanted to be treated like he matters in his family.

Has he had to take on the role of an adult with either his mother or father? Have they been sharing worries or adult concerns with him.
Perhaps a reason.

Even if he doesn't drink tea, offer him a drink and a biscuit too. My gawd woman. That is common courtesy for anyone who is in your home - your mother is not your partner either but I betcha if she were there you would ask her if she wanted tea and a biscuit without a second thought!

Kids have to be trained. Just like pets. You tell them your expectations and ask for their cooperation. My parents told us "unless it is an emergency you do not interrupt adult conversation. And if it is an emergency you say excuse me for interrupting, but I noticed a fire in the garage." lolol

As far as listening to adult conversations my grandmother said it best "get out of my mouth!" which meant go somewhere this conversation is not for you kid! And we would scurry off to do kid things. If you are talking adult convo in shared spaces, the expectation that he would not listen in is inappropriate. Go talk in your bedroom with the door closed or in the car or something.

Just teach them, he's a kid of 12! Just like pets you say "do not jump on people or the furniture" and you follow that up with a consequence. They learn if you teach them.

I think you need to examine your attitude and calm down. You are the defacto step mother whether you two are legally married or not. Talk to the kid sometimes like he's human. Maybe take him to lunch or the movies or something. Make an effort to embrace him.

Have you ever met a child that age before?? Tbh seems like he’s looking for a mother / son type relationship DEFINITELY NOT a partner type relationship.

Defo weird this! Why won’t you offer a biscuit and involve him in conversations? He’s a 12 year old boy not a bloody lodger

I would ask my children if they’d like a drink as well as a biscuit!

granted, mine are slightly younger but if I was at my parents or any relative’s house, I would ask everyone who would like a drink?! Then bring a plate of biscuits so everyone can help themselves

I agree with others, serious / adult conversations shouldn’t be carried out in front of children if you don’t want them to overhear or join in.

Agree with this. He sounds totally normal, you are being really mean not offering him a biscuit, or asking what he wants for breakfast. It isn’t him demanding to be included in an inappropriate way, it is you excluding him in an inappropriate way.

This absolutely makes me think about my ex DP and their son. I remember the son saying 'we're going to buy you a dishwasher when we move house'
He was 9 and clearly wasn't buying the dishwasher and also why was it for me?
I feel for you.

Sounds to me like the young lad is feeling insecure in his position in your family. What was the dynamic like before you and his dad got together, was it just the two of them at home sometimes?
It sounds like this insecurity means he’s trying to ‘insert’ himself in between you so he is in the middle! (Lots of kids do this). This would explain how you returned to find him lying next to his dad; why he’s wanting to get in the middle with all the grown up conversations. Which I know can be super annoying!
He feels left out and like the third wheel otherwise! This is probably why you not offering him a biscuit seemed like a huge deal to him… “do I not matter?!”
Has your DP talked to him about this? Just the two of them having a chat about how it can feel as the kid; especially with their dad getting a new partner; feeling left out; worrying about their position… all normal and okay feelings to have.
If these feelings are noticed and talked about then he is less likely to act them out.
Have you ever felt like the odd one out or the third wheel? Thinking about that might help you to put yourself a bit in his shoes.

Yes this. He may also be feeling quite vulnerable and unsure of what his role is now. You’ve just taken a large chunk of space that he’s used to sharing with his father only. And you seem to be pushing him out of the equation. It’s not just just about biscuits . .

I just can’t understand your problem,
He sounds like a normal 12 year old kid, nice of him to compliment you.
You can’t expect him to disappear as he lives there, so probably you should move out.