DS made racist comment at school

The problem is the school not the op she sent her son to a shit school.

From the op "Apparently there's been a couple of incidences regarding other children in different classes regarding skin colour etc but again, no malice."

The school needs to involve the parents when incidents like this happens. I am in shock that the op wasn't spoken to about it and she is having to find out herself. My child's school has an anti bullying policy and they follow it. They have no choice they were downgraded to inadequate when my girls attended. The parents are more frustrated with the school. If everything was going well there would be nothing to talk about. It might affect some of them in the group. Most schools promote parent school partnership and working together. That's not happening here. The school had no idea that her son was being picked on.

Children will pass on their interpretations on things that hapenned, and we shouldn't discourage them from sharing information about their day with their parents.
But it's up to the parents to filter through that, look for patterns, consistencies and inconsistencies and decide which is relevant and which is not, and if need clarification, contact their child's teacher.

Yes, this child made allegations to their parent, and they shouldn't be covered up, but they should be investigated before being broadcast across the class parents group. OP's child was effectively found guilty by this group without any investigation of the actual facts and any chance to defend themself.

This thread is absolutely bonkers

The teacher has said it wasn’t malicious - but you don’t know what the other child felt. At that age, I would have shrugged it off publicly but I would have felt very hurt and told my mum when I got home.

Those of us who aren’t white experience racism from a young age. I can appreciate your DS may have had no racist intent, but depending on what he said, it might not have come across that way. You say he has issues with social cues, which means it might not have been obvious to the other child that there was no malice.

I don’t think the other child or their parents should have to effectively ‘cover up’ allegations of racism. Part of why racism spreads is because people are silenced.

But I do think some age appropriate education for the kids is a good thing. And education for the parents is also necessary - if children with SEN are in mainstream education, the parents of the other kids need to be made aware of what might be a different ‘normal’.

I think this has all gone down so badly because everyone is judging you and your child by neurotypical standards. Yes, kids with SEN can be horrible - all kids can be horrible - but often some consideration needs to be given to how to interpret what they are saying. Your child isn’t allowed to be racist, but he should be allowed the chance to explain himself.

Basically - no one has really covered themselves in glory. I hope you all move on from this better educated. And I hope the school does a better job of dealing with your DS’s bullies too - the school doesn’t sound great to me, TBH.

I’ve really heard it all now. This thread is absolutely crazy

You've probably unconsciously modelled racist behaviour to him - all the mention of "my black friends" in your original post are a massive red flag. Bit of soul-searching needed tbh.

Jesus christ.

@imjusthereforAIBU
it's tricky to blame the parents in these situations too. ASD kids especially are very good at picking up and mimicking things they see on TV even if it's just a small moment or a passing phrase. And it doesn't have to be inappropriate for it to have "bad" things in it. In Frozen, for example, they use language like "I will kill her!".

I've been on the other side of a situation which is similar but not the same...

When they were 4 years old, a little boy (autistic) in my daughters class, chased her, pinned her down and told her he was going to kill her. Then he bit her. She still talks about this now a few years later - and she was scared of the boy for some time afterward.

I did get told that it had happened by the school, and got reassurance that the school were trying to manage the situation.

I never once spoke to the boys parents about it - I accepted that at age 4 the child probably had limited "blame" - but I did in my mind blame the parents. I couldn't understand where the child (who was very young!) had learned play/language like that? The biting I could accept more (due to the SEN issues) than the threat of "killing" her.

But I have spoken about it with other parents in one on one situations where their child has also experienced similar / other unpleasant behaviour from the same boy. I, like any other parent, am interested in protecting my child. And as above, I don't really feel I can blame the boy who bit her (he is a child too) - but I also can't just accept that it is OK that my child will be verbally assaulted and bitten.

So for your child to be talked about in another group setting doesn't surprise me. I do think however you should have heard it from the school first and I think it's shocking that you didn't if they are aware.

I get that the comment about her brown skin may have come from nowhere - but it will have been harmful to the little girl.

I think you need to try and gently understand from your child what led to them thinking saying they wouldn't play with someone because they're brown was OK? My expectation is that the other parents will be questioning if they've picked it up from home/things your child is exposed to (other pupils, TV, YouTube). Even if that's not the case.

Someone needs to soul search and it's not op.

yes …this.

This is so typical of mumsnet with posters jumping on the bandwagon blaming the OP when it’s already clearly been explained by the school ‘there is nothing to see here’.
Talk about poking with a big stick for no absolute reason, get off your high horses it’s over, solved, done with, forgotten!
And while you’re at it teach your children not to pass on classroom gossip, do something useful instead.

Soul searching would be difficult for an unconscious racist

Oh dear, all the MNs upset that it wasn't actually a racist incident and your son wasn't to blame. Some are still trying to find a way to blame you.

Nonsense, the fault lies entirely with the parents who maliciously cast judgement on a 7 year old child without knowing the whole story, same as a lot of people on here.

The teacher delt with it at the time and the two children involved were happily playing again 2 mins later. It was even a minor incident. If I had to report everything like this I would be talking to parent's for about an hour each day. Other kids who were not even involved went back and told their parents and it got twisted to be something else completely. Don't have to look far to see were they got this trait from as their gossipy parents spread the misinformation all over Whatsapp. Bet not one of them will acknowledge what they have done on the WhatsApp group or learn from it.

What exactly do you think the parents have to complain about? Embarrassing themselves on a WhatsApp group by just taking their child's word for it? Being nasty people who participated in ostracising a little boy? Being too stupid to not question their childs story?

You've probably unconsciously modelled racist behaviour to him - all the mention of "my black friends" in your original post are a massive red flag. Bit of soul-searching needed tbh.

They may not have any control over it, but they can make their stance about how to appropriately handle such matters clear to parents. For any decent person, they would comply because it is the correct thing to do. People can get dragged into cliques and mobbing incidents because they feel that they are "alone" or that they will stand out from the crowd. The school sending such a clear message is one way of countering that and saying that not acting like this is right. It can give people courage to stand up to bullies and gossips.

They are also sending out communications about acceptable chat in WhatsApp over any bullying allegations and talk of individual pupils

The school cannot control anything said on Watsapp chats between parents nor can they say what’s “acceptable”, they simply do not have the power to do that. Why they even suggested doing this is ridiculous. Parents will always have Watsapp groups, they will always gossip and there’s nothing the school can do to stop that.

They want a plan of action on how the school will deal with it. You said that other children from other classes were talking about skin colour. It's a big problem at the school.

Your child is being bullied who is advocating for him you said they know nothing about it. It's your son's mental health that is being affected not the other children. You need to put him first.

No malice? They hear it from somewhere don't they. I wouldn't be surprised if it came from their parents. My friends son punched a boy in his mouth in his first year of secondary school cause of the racist language that was said to him. It comes from somewhere the school needs to involve the parents.

At 7 there never is any malice but the way they have handled it is shocking. The incident I spoke about with my son he was friends with the boy. They still took it seriously and spoke to them and dealt with it. They even asked the mother to go in to speak to her about it. Young people need to be taught right from wrong. You're happy that the child's family will get support so it isn't nothing is it. Why didn't they tell you even minor incidents is brought to the parents attention why not this?