DS made racist comment at school

My son has autism and when he was about 7 or 8 he asked a girl if her brown skin could wash off and become white, I only found out about a week later because he asked me the same thing, I was mortified and didn't know what to do, ended up saying it to the teacher, she hadn't heard. We both had a conversation that day with him, I got him to say sorry even though he asked why he was saying sorry when he was just asking a question. It was tough going so I feel for you, maybe talk to the teacher and also get him to apologise to the girl in question x

Black and brown children have autism as well, why is it you never hear of any incidents with them making comments about race??

I wish people would stop blaming these remarks on autism, when it's clear he's just repeating what he's heard from someone else - and I'm not necessarily blaming the mum or anyone else in the family. It could be another child, or something he's seen on the telly etc. But he has heard it somewhere.

And I'm saying this as a mum of two brown skinned autistic children.

To the original poster, you are doing your best and it’s absolutely clear from my reading of this thread. I wish you luck and I think you and your son will get through this. My appearance was heavily mocked when I was at school (weight and race), it was hard and I do remember some of the hurtful comments. Having said that if anyone were to reach out to me or if I’d known the matter was handled seriously with parents like yourself taking responsibility, it would have helped a lot. You’re doing the right thing.

p.s the matter should never have been discussed on WhatsApp.

The other parents need to grow up I should add 🙄

Fully grown adults gossiping and bad mouthing a 7yo in private is the worrying thing! Kids are forming and blurt out all kinds of nonsense. They need to grow up.

Deeply unpleasant.

This is sensible!

Please discuss this with the school , they can talk to both your son and the child involved , they can talk with that class and help young children to understand hurtful and racist language and help not escalate the situation . I would either personally write or talk to the author on WhatsApp and apologize and say you have talked about this with your son and he will apologize too to the child involved and you are also horrified and upset . He’s 7 and also need support not hatred from adults .

Hi there. My nephew is of mixed perantage. He has ASD. His mother, is brown, dad white. A year or so ago he was fixated on colour, all of a sudden. (Things he was watching online), and he told one of his peers at school that he wouldn't sit next to him as he was a brown person. He thought it funny and couldn't understand the offence and hurt he'd caused. He got into trouble at school, understandably and rightly so because of it (secondary) and I had a long chat with him about how he had disrespected himself, his mother, extended family and all brown people, how it was not okay to say things like this under any circumstances, and how would he feel if the tables were turned. It got through to him. I have never heard him say anything like that again. Hope it goes OK with your son and he learns from the situation.

School should have mentioned this, I would book an appointment to speak to the teacher and head. I remember being targeted by a mum at afternoon pick up for something my youngest had done. I knew nothing about it till the mum had a go at me in front of everyone mums and dads. No one backed me up, I went to the teacher the next day. I fell out with the mums who didn't back me up. I had 1 friend out of 3 mums left.

If your child has a Muslim boy as his best friend and has no problems with other children of differing skin colour then you may find choosing to say that was probably the easiest route but, as you’ve found out many kids and parents can and will make things worse.
i was in a similar situation with my son with the parents at school, not race related but they all were happy to talking among them selves instead of coming direct to me.
go and see the teacher and let it be known how you feel let down and saddened by the fact that they felt they couldn’t speak to you.
also and formost have a chat with your son to see what’s really happened and what made him come out with this comment.

Sorry, I haven't read to the end and I hope you have got this sorted for both your child and the little girl today.
I am a TA and have also had a child in the same school. Please do bring up any comments she has made, she should know better. She needs to keep her thoughts to herself, it's a student of the school and our contracts cover heavily what is and isn't appropriate behaviour for members of staff, regardless of them being a parent too.

Hi op,

first gentle hugs 🌺 That was quite THE day of stress so please remember to be gentle with yourself.

You mention your son having special needs so you know that of course, through this lense, school would mediate any incidents as such in a different way and explain to others that as much as they do not tolerate this, your son certainly didn’t mean it.

To put it more explicitly, if your son was indeed racist, they would know by now. They don’t know, so they should defend him and quite fiercely if anyone doubt their own judgement. You explained him why it wasn’t ok. End of.

Also, I wouldn’t be happy about a whatsapp group where my child is put down like this. How on earth can they act like it is ok? Sounds like adults bullying and that is ugly. Noone need to share in a group that a child said something about brown skin if it is the first time. They should be ashamed, not you. So please, change your lenses. Defend him, defend him, defend him.

Good luck 🌺

Many years ago a child accused my ds of saying he was glad her grampa had died.
he was a sensitive wee soul and was put out of class and came home hyperventilating. Really upset, knowing him I knew he wouldn’t have said this.
on speaking to the depute head she twice said I think your only upset because you were found out. At that and stepped in and said you have not listened he has told you he didn’t say it. You have now accused him twice.
In the end it was another child who said it . We never got an apology, but I did raise awareness not to always listen to a child reporting something.
parent’s gossiping on WhatsApp is ridiculous and needs highlighted to school.
Hope it gets sorted ❤️

I’m a teacher and a parent of autistic children both at school and at home. This can be a common thing for autistic children to come out with for no reason. It could have come from something they’ve seen or heard elsewhere. And often autistic children then repeat things verbatim.

I think you need to speak to the school to find out the whole context of the conversation and if there were any adult witnesses as well. Then I think the school need to send out a clear message that discussing things on social media around another child’s behaviour is not acceptable as it can escalate something that could have been dealt with very discreetly to outright bullying of a child by adults. Something similar to this happened when my kids were primary and the adults involved in the group message were all contacted about it. The parents need to be really careful what they discuss on group chats about other children and even school staff - this is another one that escalates too. There’s also often someone who screenshots messages and reports them back to the school as well in order to try and rein things in.

Even though you have family and your son has grown up seeing this, seeing someone at school who looks different, he’s just at that age where they notice, they don’t know any better and when they comment it’s not out of malice. My son has a coloured friend who he adores but he started coming out with comments at home about brown skin and he was told straight up that skin colour doesn’t matter. Kids don’t notice it all when they’re in Reception but it’s normal that they start noticing differences between people. I wouldn’t be so hard on him and I wouldn’t let others be either. I’m sure you will teach him that it’s not ok and he will learn.

This attitude is another reason why the profession is so difficult, parents expect the impossible. It wasn't an incident. Even now we don't know exactly what was said so you are in no position to claim it should have been reported to parents.

There was nothing for these people to talk about as it didn't even involve their kids. They didn't even get it about the right child. OP made her child write an apology to a child that wasn't even involved. The two children it concerned were playing happily two mins later so it didn't even require any mediation from a staff member. There was nothing to tell OP because her child did nothing wrong.

If parents were frustrated with the school they should have been criticising the school and not a child! But not one of them even emailed the school about it to actually raise it. They all jumped to their conclusions and made their nasty judgements and have ultimately embarrassed themselves.

My DS is autistic, he's had both ways of having horrible things said to him, and he's said things without thinking. Incidents at primary school on both sides seemed to be resolved with explanations from staff, a lot of times the kids just needed guidance and explanations. I would never broadcast what someone's child said to mine.

Just to put another perspective up here. I haven't read the whole thread yet. My niece has asd. She had chicken pox when she was nearly ten and was absolutely distraught at the spots and how they changed her skin. She is now at secondary school and recently my sister was asked to come and get her because she wouldn't stop crying and couldn't tell them why. They had had a science lesson about puberty and someone told her she had a spot (she did) and was going to get loads now. All she could say to my sister was 'no spots'.

Children with asd respond to changes badly and it is the change they are scared of not what it is. OP you may have some issues during puberty and my sister is going overboard with social stories and science books so my niece is prepared.

Well that’s a reach isn’t it. Another spiteful comment after a very sensible series of updates.

Nah, even if a child had said something horrendous at school, I could never be part of a WhatsApp group where grown adults all get together to bitch about a 7 year old. It's not the way to address things.

Disgusted? What a strong word to use for a 7yo child. Your child. I’d be disappointed and embarrassed but disgusted? How bizarre. You’re pandering to the leftie agenda.

i would - and have brought it up personally to the teacher, and personally to my own friends, never in a WA chat school group - and the thing that was said to my daughter was 10000000X worse.

Autistic black and white thinking is not your fault/affected by how you brought them up unfortunately 💜 Def not your fault!

Saying my black friends is like saying my male/female friends.

Not modelling anything.