DS made racist comment at school

At about the same age my DS said a load of racist things in school.
He'd read the words in a michael Morpugo book (thanks dude) and didn't even know they were racist insults. He didn't even know what racism was. DS had a high reading age but very poor comprehension of full narratives. Anyway, He just thought his friends would laugh and his enemies would be hurt by some words that were evidently powerful.

My real beef is that DS was (& OP's son is). SEVEN. They are still learning boundaries. They can't even understand what racism is, not really. Nobody should be publicly shaming a 7 year old.

All the steps you proposed sound reasonable, OP. I have no idea what you do about the WApp. It feels like you're on a losing strategy no matter what. But a 2 sentence summary that you take very seriously that your son said something like that, you're working with school to teach him why that was wrong thing to say & you wish this incident hadn't been published in the group is probably reasonable.

Best. x

Its difficult. Children don't usually outright lie about this sort of thing but it can be completely possible for something more innocuous to be misheard. I wouldn't immediately assume he definitely said precisely that. Last year a group of parents heard from their DC that a child in DS class had said something very rude to the teacher. The class whatsapp went vile, assuming the child had picked up bad language at home etc. It turned out they'd all misheard & the teacher confirmed he'd said nothing rude but the damage was done.

It would be odd for a child that age to say something like that unless parroting things heard elsewhere.

With children so young parents should not rely on stuff overheard/hearsay and pile in. Better to explain to their own DC why something like that is racist, but don't get finger pointy without actual facts.

I suspect school haven't told you because it's been dealt with and they realise that one he's 7m and two he's autistic. So they've spoken to him to explain and didn't feel the need for it to go any further. These parents should keep their noses out but I would speak to a teacher to let them know what's going on.

It affects children, yes. I have never found anything made better by witchhunts in WA groups. Certainly not when Ops son is autistic.

Of course its devastating for the child involved but that doesn't mean you set up a potential lynch mob mentality against a 7 year old boy . You go in and address it with the school You give a chance for it to be rectified before you escalate.

My son has the same diagnosis as your son when in year 2 this boy said I’m not playing with you because you are thick
my son responded im not playing with you because you are black i was horrified! Guess who got punished though

It absolutely affects the family and that’s why op is mortified and the little boy will be given an appropriate intervention eg social narrative

I used to tutor a boy with autism and he often said things out straight that would offend and we worked on learning the appropriate comments and social conventions. Feelings efc

come now .. you need to understand this little boy has needs too and of course we need to teach them the right way.

Honestly he's an autistic 7 year old and you're getting 3rd hand information on social media. I would mute the WhatsApp and speak with the school in the morning. It happened (whatever has happened)in school and should be dealt with there. The school are best placed to establish the facts of the matter.

You do need to address this with him BUT I am horrified that a group of parents on a WA group are discussing a 7 year old like that, its awful

Bless. Exactly. I haven’t had this said to me but it wouldn’t really shatter me if so. I’ve had racist things said to me as an adult and it’s horrid. I’m still affected now and likely will be for the rest of my life. I’m in my 30s too.

I know parents whose children have had similar things said to them at schools and parks. The parents were so sad, devastated , angry amongst other things, let alone the child. It really does affect the child and the family.

If a child made a similar remark to my child I wouldn't bring it up on WA. This is bullying and by people who should know better! On the other hand, I would have spoken to the teacher where this would have been dealt with in private. No matter what, no 7 yo deserves to be publicly targeted/riducled like that. I would speak to the HT about this mentioning what you have actively done to ensure this never happens again with a 7 yo who can say stupid stuff but what will they do to address a group of bullying parents doing a kangaroo court on WA targeting a 7yo.

That’s a very good idea noble. Maybe the group chat people are not aware of his needs and this would directly deal with them for now.

In the main we make allowances when 7 year olds make mistakes, especially social ones. We focus on helping that child to understand that what they have said is unacceptable and helping them to learn for the future. We do not expect them to arrive fully socially formed and aware.

The chances are he did not want to play with this girl for lots of reasons. Choosing friends is part of primary learning.

Whoever put this in a WA group was out of order - it is so easy for children to feel ostracized and parental piling in does not help. Who amongst us has not had a moment when a child of ours does something we wish they had not? - hit, spat, lost their tempers etc. - or like one of my little ones who asked why a fat lady approaching us in the street had "no knees" - we all have moments when we want the floor to swallow us up. We use it as a learning opportunity and make allowances for their immaturity, whilst at the same time being quite clear about what is acceptable or not.

I would speak to the girl's mother and say you are very sad to hear what your son said and that she can rest assured that you are dealing with this with your son. I am sure this girl has herself done things her mother would rather she had not - hopefully she will understand and will appreciate your seeking her out.

I think it is worth making the teacher aware of what has happened so that he/she can be on the alert for any discomfort from the girl involved.

Unfortunately I do not think you can do anything about what goes onto a private group chat. Fellow parents should understand that our children (especially when small) sometimes let us down.

Can you get the parent who posted the screenshots to you to post on the group that you are aware, are mortified and are dealing with the situation with the school, but you would appreciate them remembering that it is a 7 year old boy with SEN that they are discussing and to please close the discussion about the incident?

The little boy has autism !!! Social skills are his difficulty. He would not have meant it in this way. Op is already feeling awful and has heard this indirectly without any evidence or professionalism. Just be careful. Of course this was awful for the little girl and op knows this and that’s why she is reaching out !! Honestly !!

100%!!!! I still remember this being said to me when I was in primary school & I’m now in my thirties!!!

Exactly. I was just thinking this myself. Poor girl. These comments can scar for life.

I say this gently op - Mumsnet may not be the best place to talk about this. I totally empathise with your situation and sometimes I have asked for support on here and got amazing support but sometimes people can be horrible behind a phone who don’t know your lovely little boy and I’ve no empathy 💐

However you are feeling about the situation… imagine how the girl felt when your son said that to her?! I’d be livid if it were one of my children, despite the parent not acting in the way you would like, they were probably bouncing off the ceiling when their child told them!