DS made racist comment at school

I agree that the parents shouldn't be discussing this on WA, the parent of the child concerned should have waited to raise it with the school. You need to speak to his teacher first thing tomorrow so the incident can be investigated and they can also be prepared for any fallout.

Shame on those parents discussing this on a group chat; what nasty, inappropriate, inadequate individuals.
Good luck op at school tomorrow and hope all get the support they need.

I think it will all blow over once school deal with it, but I understand your concerns about DS and you as parents being targeted. It was inappropriate for them to discuss it on a WhatsApp group before talking to the school and you.

DS is autistic and mixed heritage with brown skin and around that age another child made a comment about not liking his friend who also has brown skin. He really internalised it and both us and the school had to work on his self confidence after that. These comments said without understanding do impact on the children they are aimed at.

The NT child that made the comment was spoken to and not targeted because we dealt with the school and at 7 they were too young to understand fully the consequences, their parent in this case was known to make racist comments and they were repeating what they heard at home. They didn't continue once school worked on teaching them it was not ok.

I would make sure you do some ongoing social story work with your DS on being kind and kind words. We have had to do this with DS before. It is hard at age 7 when they are ND especially if socially their developmental stage is younger. At that age DS did not understand the difference between girls and boys fully. He also said things in anger without thinking about the emotional impact for others first and still does.

One of my kids will say the worst thing he can think of in high stress and meltdown situations. We had a situation where he had felt intimidated by another child at school and responded by saying he would bring a weapon in to harm them. He has never ever been violent in school.

The school contacted me, so I got ds to write an apology to the child and I wrote one to their parents, confirming that we were taking it seriously and there were consequences given. He has never done anything like that again and the other parent certainly didn't splash it all over social media.

Your son may have said something he knew was bad to close down a situation he was uncomfortable in, as he lacks the skills to deal with it appropriately. That doesn't make it ok to use racist language, but you can at least use this as a chance to intervien and help him to prevent it happening in future. It doesn't mean that he is racist, or meant it in that wat.

If the lad had called a kid Speccy four eyes (a common insult in my school days for anyone who wore glasses) fat, thin, stupid, or any other insulting remark that kids come out with when they are being horrible...(and most are from time to time) would there be this kind of outrage I wonder?

The parents who decided to castigate the boy on social media, are the ones who should be contemplating where they went wrong.

He's 7, so not quite up for leadership of a neo-Nazi group.

Children don't see the world the way that adults do, and are prone to saying and doing things that, as adults, we need to manage and explain. That is what the OP has tried to do and is trying to put right. At that age is is quite possible for children to be inconsistant - they can have a diverse range of friends and not even think clearly about things like skin colour. The OP wasn't excusing what he said.

What was very wrong here is a group of ADULTS judging and labelling a child very inappropriately on social media rather than speaking to the school or the parent. And you are being no better than them. A child of 7 needs guidance - not outing and cruelty.

7 year olds can make mistakes, they are children. If it's an one off incident, it won't scar anyone for life.

Hey OP, can't help with the whatsapp but offering some solidarity as we had a v similar situation with DS in his reception year. We also come from a very multicultural town, with lots of different people and cultures represented within our neighbours, friends and peers at school.

School was studying Windrush, and so we were talking a lot at home about how people treated others differently because of the colour of their skin, clothes they wore, eating different things, celebrating different holidays etc. I bought a few story books which spoke about racism, disability etc and was trying to basically gently start it being something we were all aware of. But in hindsight I wonder if it was actually all a bit much for a 4/5 year old. When someone said something mean to him at school, DS replied with something back involving skin colour and it kicked off. We're not even sure exactly what was said either way as small kids aren't reliable witnesses! But basically have concluded as @Barleysugar86 and a few others have said, he clocked this had the ability to be hurtful/controversial, so when he was being hurt he used it. Same as calling his little sister a 'baby' as he knows that's the word which riles her up the most. Not okay, but when you're that little and don't fully understand the historic weight behind it you can see how it would happen.

He was really surprised at the strength of feeling shown by the other kid and the school at what he had said, especially as the other kid (who had started the name calling) basically wasn't told off at all. To find a silver lining it was actually very educational for DS as an example about how not all insults are created equal, and the power of words to harm. Since then we've continued to educate, read stories that showcase a variety of cultures, skin colours, body types, abilities etc. I think the best thing you can do is keep an open dialogue long term.

School handled it really well, but there were no vigilante parents. Hope it all works out okay xx

Are you sure he even said "because she's got brown skin" rather than using her brown skin as a description?
My dd is autistic and used to refer to people by unusual descriptions eg peach colour hands, rainbow under the eyes, sparkly hair (blonde).

Was it the parent of the child your dc said this to who raised it on the WhatsApp group @ellie09 or someone else sticking their oar in? Has the parent got your contact details?

Raise it with school asap, maybe email today and follow up in person/with a call tomorrow. They absolutely should have let you know.

Don't be ridiculous. Making up your own scenarios is really not helpful.

To be honest this kind of thing does worry me, my son is 5 and also ASD, and also made a racist comment recently. It's tough dealing with it even without all that fallout in a way that he can actually understand. Sorry that your son has had his confidence knocked so much by the whole thing.

It sounds as if those on the what's App group are lacking in filters and have poor social skills.

@ellie09 he obviously should not have said it but he is a child and there must be some more context. If he was friendly with the girl previously, what has changed and why? Is a 7 year old genuinely capable of using what to an autistic child is to him a factual comment? Might it have been in response to being told he was something nasty, being ignores or even something physical.

None of us can really know anything except that a bunch of grown ups shouldn't have taken this to What's App.

Yes I think this is true. I have a 7 year old boy who gave me the middle finger for the other day out of nowhere. He's a good kid. He'd picked up it was controversial and wanted to try it out in curiousity I think.

I could totally see a 7 year old- especially with SEN- grabbing onto something racist when actually they were just looking for something to convey they were hurt, perhaps by being excluded from the game. It's wrong to take it to a class chat and I'd have judged the other parents for doing it this way. It needs gentle education not public flogging.

I would arrange a meeting with the school, but I would also contact the mother.

To the mother, I would be saying "If this turns out to be true, please know that I am mortified and also baffled. This is not how we are raising our son and we will be working hard to understand why he said what he did. I am fully aware that this comment might be deeply scaring for your daughter, and my son will be making an apology to her. More importantly, we will continue to educate him on race issues. He is only seven - I am hopeful that it was a stupid comment made without much thought or malice - but we are taking it seriously and are very sorry".

Or words to that effect. I would further ask that from here on in, discussions are limited to the two families and school only as you don't want it to become a witch hunt.

Bloody hell give this poor little boy a break. He is 7 ..has no one said ever said anything ever they might not have in other times? He could have been over tired,angry,frustrated? He is a little boy. Mountain out of a molehill is my reaction. Take him out for a happy day to take his mind off his indescretion and just calmly explain we all say something that is not ok sometimes and we must say sorry when we do that and all play together..end of. You will traumatise him going on about this and he will be afraid to go to school bless him.

100% AGREE.

I think op it sounds like you've dealt with it at home from you found out. There will be some work to do with your son just ongoing about respect and difference and also that he may hear things but that doesn't make those things true etc.

I would speak to the school and ask for a meeting with the school and the other child's parents so you can explain how you've dealt with it but also to say that you were disappointed in how this came to your attention and you would like this to come to you or you via the school directly next time as your son has challenges socially and you want to make sure that anything like this is dealt with appropriately going forwards and while you recognise that what he did was wrong and should not have happened- spreading it on social media without giving you as his parent the chance to deal with it was not a great way to go about things and you don't want a repeat of this any more than you want a repeat of his behaviour.

Have you messaged the mother? I would get her phone number from whoever sent you the screenshots, they should be able to get it for you from the group chat. I would then call/message to say you've been made aware of the incident and are deeply sorry, that your child has been/is being punished and that you'll be speaking with the school on Monday. It may help to calm the situation.

Sounds like all the parents in the what's app group are behaving like kids in the playground themselves! They need to grow up.
Ignore the gossip OP, because at the moment that's all it is. Go in to school a little earlier tomorrow, and see if it's possible to speak to either his class teacher or the head. If not leave a letter for them (marked urgent).

But also
Honestly, I was appalled with DS and he got told off, he's grounded etc.

So did he get told off and grounded before or after you asked him about it?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

We all know mob mentality is real and parents usually get the blame.

I get your upset at him and embarrassed but a lot of your concern seems to be how you are going to be judged and blamed yourself!

I would be furious if I was the girls mum too, and probably discuss it with people, which it sounds like she is doing with her school mum friends.

If someone said something horrendous about your sons ASD you would likely discuss it with people as well.

I think speaking to the school is a good idea, and I would go and apologise to the mum and set out what you're doing to address this (and don't start on about Brazillian relatives and Muslim friends as that seems very like "I'm not racist, I'm friends with....").