DS made racist comment at school

@QueenBlasia I have worked extensively in the UK and around the world, and have friends drawn from many ethnic groups - and sorry but I hear it a lot. Generally when people are hurriedly backtracking a sentence (which just makes it more obvious) because they just remembered that I understand what they said! Language in common use by adults is picked up by children.

Just one (or two) example: https://www.asianimage.co.uk/news/16312160.still-okay-use-word-gora/

Absolutely agree with this comment.

I escorted a school trip to a zoo. We'd just passed the orang outans. When a little boy four or five said urgently Miss there's one following us. It was a beautiful black woman with henna dyed hair wearing a sarong. What do you say besides no that's a beautiful lady.

I never told, he never got into trouble

Those is so inappropriate that it was discussed in the whole group. When my girls have had issues with other children I have either spoken/messaged the teacher, or spoken with the parent of the child directly if I have a good relationship with them.

Could another child have put him up to making this comment? It is not unknown for children to get another child with limited social awareness to do or say something unacceptable (without fully understanding what they are doing. and perhaps thinking that they're supposed to do it). That way, the instigator achieves several goals: they hurt the victim; they get the direct perpetrator into trouble; and they often manage to escape blame or consequences themselves.

It certainly happens at secondary school. I was " ghost girl" "white Honky" and " not part of the sistahood"

OMG, you've just reminded me that I did the exact same thing when I was a toddler in the late 70s. My parents were mortified!

It may be rare in a country where poc are in a minority but travel to countries where white skin is unusual and trust me, every child will comment. Or touch your hair, or skin, or cry.

Noticing difference is a human constant. It's the framework of racism that makes even innocent or well-meaning comments (let alone mean ones) problematic.

Not RTFT. Did your son actually make the comment? If it's his word against hers you should have his back.

@EmmaMaria like I said, if it does happen it’s rare but I’ve heard this more from white children or children of mixed heritage commenting on colour associating darker/brown skin as something bad. My reasoning comes from
my experiences both professionally and personally.

@Sleepingsa , I’m not talking about outright racism which is unacceptable, but these comments from young children noticing difference in colour and seeing it as something bad
and “othering” it. Up until recently, this is always excused and trivialised or thrown back by white people and sometimes as you can see from this thread people of colour too. So the responsibility goes to the victim. “Get over it”. This is the culture that continues into adulthood and adult spaces.

However @EmmaMaria I completely agree with you about how we approach and move forward as a species. We all need to do better for sure.

I don’t think you should be ashamed of a 7 year old making silly and hurtful comments; he is still very young. You have addressed the problem with him. We can try and do the best we can in raising our children but they will still get things wrong, especially as they are growing and learning, exploring and pushing boundaries. I think it is unfair of the other parents in the Whatsapp group to make this such a big deal, especially if they haven’t discussed with you first. If they’d spoken to you about it and you said you didn’t care or wouldn’t be handling it then fair enough, but that’s not the case

Is anything happening about your child being bullied? Because he is, isn't he?

I found this interesting https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/06/25/what-white-parents-get-wrong-about-raising-antiracist-kids-how-get-it-right/
Good luck op.

@ellie09

My grandson got into trouble last week because an older boy told him to say something to a girl in the playground. Grandson obediently did. Guess who was in trouble. Yep my naive grandson. Primary school is a minefield. Btw it was nothing untoward.

I look at these middle class teachers at this middle class school who squeak at the slightest thing and think of family friends in inner city schools fighting off so much worse .

Grow up

@ellie09 - terrible parenting. I hope you’re not like that in person

7 year old SEN boy said something inappropriate - being dealt with firmly by Mum and child will apologise.

WhatsApp group condemning a 7 year old child, SEN or not, is the main crime here. That behaviour is far worse, they are grownups and should know better. They are hiding behind a screen, much like some of the posters on Mumsnet.

@ellie09 , you are doing exactly the right thing. Apology, reinforcing appropriate behaviour with your son and letting school
know of the evil witches stirring on the WhatsApp group.

Thats really fucking horrible.

As a brown parent I would have also dealt with it discreetly, if my child came home saying they saw this I would still deal with it discreetly. Most kids have probably done or said something awful at some point. Our job is to correct not create mobs.

@ellie09

He's 7. They all say regrettable things. things you think they should know better than to say. Either they don't understand how hurtful the comment will be or they just say it to resolve an issue & it's all they can think of. He didn't want to play with her, maybe she kept asking or asked him why but he didn't have a reason or one he he wanted to say out loud, so blurted that out (IF he even did). He could just as easily have said you're fat/smelly/I don't like you/you're a girl.

the person putting it on a WA chat group is bang out of order. She just wants to shame him & cause an issue for you both. Pathetic. Not the way to handle the situation at all.

yes I'd go in tomorrow morning & discuss it with the appropriate person in the school.

you sound like you've come down hard on DS first before getting the facts & before discussing it with him, not only does he have ASD, but he's 7. I think that's not fair on him.

Please don't be too harsh on your son OP.
He's 7 and has ASD, it wasn't a racist comment made to be intentionally racist, he probably can't even grasp that concept. We are horrified as adults but to a young child, saying you don't want to play with someone because they have brown skin is the same as saying you don't want to play with them because they have ginger hair, straight hair, big ears, weird legs, a stupid nose, they're a girl etc etc it doesn't mean anything it's just being mean by pointing out anything that's different.

Of course you can talk to him about it but would you have grounded him if he'd said "I don't want to play with you because your hair is blonde"? or because "you are a girl" would that be construed as massively sexist? Or just a 7 year old making a silly comment. It must be incredibly confusing for a 7 year old for you to come down so harshly for a social construct like racism that even adults find hard to understand sometimes.

The adults in the WhatsApp group need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Kids learn from example. Maybe the mums who are happy to castigate your child on social media should look at their own offspring.🙄

IThis might be a reaction to bullying. I would help him rather than throw him to the wolves. Some people on her turn my blood cold.