DS made racist comment at school

This is the issue - it's considered offensive these days (and let's not get into a huge tangent about difficult it is to know what's offensive these days and how you can't even say "gay" anymore). To give an obvious example, I might personally think that "chinaman" is better term than say asian but I live in a culture that regards the former as offensive so I don't go around saying it or posting it on public forums because I'm not an edgy teen.
Now, if I did say "chinaman", should I be crucified in the public square? Of course not, but I wouldn't expect it to pass without comment.
Also, I'm white and I'm assuming that you are too - maybe you aren't. I guess that's a bit racist of me.

"it makes no difference to me what colour someone’s skin is, I don’t even notice."

Please stop with this absolute nonsense.

DS’ private school will expell children whose parents use WhatsApp / social in this way as it is classified as online bullying per their policy. I know many state schools would also take a dim view of this. Write to the head, include the screenshots, and demand to understand why parents could post your child’s details in a whatsapp group you have no access to when before the school hasn’t contacted you. Demand sight of their online bullying policy too.

Thank you for this. My DD was told she was "the colour of poo" (she's biracial) and it's stayed with her, years later.

I don't agree with naming and shaming kids on WhatsApp - if nothing else, how is the parent supposed to address it if they don't know about it? - but I do think parents of the victim should be free to vent about the issue.

You keep doing what you are doing until it does sink in. He's clearly internalised the racist comments which have been said to him which is sad, but it does happen sometimes. Don't just teach him about his skin colour though. Teach him about his heritage and cultural background where his brown skin comes from, and why he should be proud of that. Its not just about skin colour, there is so much more to it. It may not sink in immediately, but it will over time.

It is irrelevant because racism is not an autistic trait. There are millions of autistic people who have never said a racist comment in their lives. As a non-Caucasian mum of two autistic children, it really gets my back up when people conflate autism with racial comments.

I think that the thought process for a lot of us (myself included) is "I am not a racist" therefore "nothing I do is racist". This is obviously the wrong way round. Nobody is essentially racist, people just say or do racist things sometimes. In our culture, racism is so morally loaded that people immediately jerk to the "how DARE you call me racist!" response rather than introspecting. You don't have to have hate in your heart to occasionally do racist things.
I do think that publicly name-and-shaming on whatsapp doesn't help things.

👏👏👏

These parents are also discussing the child’s autism on SM. They need to look to themselves. That is much worse than what the 7 year old has done, because they are so-called adults.

@ellie09 I feel for you and especially your poor DS.

What strikes me is you've mentioned he has been bullied into meltdown previously by some of the children whose parents are now being vile and instigating trial by WhatsApp on your 7 year old

May I ask what action, if any, school have taken and if it has been satisfactory and ended the bullying? As if it hasn't this sounds like a continuation of it, heavily supported by chavvy mums in a group.

I personally hate these WhatsApp groups which exclude certain parents, I had the same with my DS and was told a group of mums on there were being vile about him because the teachers had praised him for hard work. One of them actually said he only got praised cos he is SEN and they have to box tick. I wanted to punch her but instead I reported to school.

I would demand school takes action on this situation with those parents. If there is any chance of disabilist language I would report to the police under the malicious communications act and demand they're dealt with.

School also needs to release a school wide statement that incidents should be reported to school, not on WhatsApp between parents.

On medical forms it asks what is your ethnicity black British or white British not coloured. You wouldn't call a white person coloured would you.

It's a luxury not to notice the colour of other people's skin. Or your own.

I would much rather say coloured than black, personally I find that offensive, but that’s not really the point of what I’ve said, you’ve chosen 1 word and focused on it. I work with and have family of colour and it makes no difference to me what colour someone’s skin is, I don’t even notice, but what I do notice if is someone is a dick.

My daughter referred to 'the brown lady' at Kindergarten but apparently this was because she wore a brown overall.

Mum of a brown skinned autistic boy here. He has been called dirty/dark in the past. It has stuck with him to the point that he now ridicules friends that are darker than he is (to me at home)Of course I have explained this is not correct, I have explained in multiple different ways and multiple times. It does not sink in. I hope he doesn’t say it to his classmates but if he does, then really what the fuck can I do about it?

I’ve lived in other countries, travelled extensively in many more, and always been welcomed, as have my children, including in school, where they were the only ‘outsider’. So, it’s certainly not my experience that worldwide people don’t like outsiders.

I’ve been ostracised as an outsider in my own country though, as a child.

When Dd was 5 a boy in her class called her a poo. You could say that it had nothing to do with her skin colour and that he was just being rude. However the teacher reprimanded him although she never raised the matter with me. Nor did Dd.
Boy’s mum raised it with me, very upset, saying her Ds would never use such language, seemingly discrediting the occurrence of the offence, no apology to me or Dd.

Op is right to have been concerned about what her Ds might have said and the offence caused to the other child.

My DS said he didn’t want to play with the boy in his preschool because he was brown. He was 3.5 back then. This year he said the same thing about another boy. I have no idea where it came from! I was mortified, we talked to him a lot about it. Just hoping he wont say it in school. Then he also said he didn’t want to play with his other classmate because he spoke another language (moved to the uk few months ago so isn’t fluent in English). I’m not British and my children speak two languages. It’s just bizarre why he’s saying these things. He’s not ND, and is a very kind boy and good friend otherwise.
he told me one evening they teach them at school about the fact that people with dark skin couldn’t do important jobs back in the days but now they can be doctors etc so it’s good. I just think it’s way too early to teach them about that?
im sure if he said it in school the judgment would be on parents probably being racist where it’s totally not the case in our house.

From another perspective depending on the mix of people in the school and children in the classroom he may be picking up on the nationalist far right atmosphere at the moment and wants to distance himself from being bullied if he is also from a mixed background. He might want to hide away with white shields. Of course it’s no less hurtful to the little girl.

This sounds like a tricky situation and I'm sorry for you and your son but at the same time we all need to be vigilant and anti racist because some of the 9 year olds today will grow up to be racist, it's just a fact, it's not dying out and pretty much no-one will admit it's their child. I'm not saying it's yours but having friends and family members that are other races isn't enough.

Deeper issues later in life? You haven’t lived in a foreign culture have you? Quite obvious. For if you have, you’d soon learn that the world doesn’t like outsiders. Stop vilifying small children! You’re sounding ridiculous.

Yes really. I would never divulge what parents had contacted me to another parent. If the HT went and spoke to the teacher then that doesn’t say other parents haven’t contacted them via email/school app and they hadn’t picked the messages up. You also don’t know if they called later in the morning. This is getting silly now, you’ve had a resolution yet you’re still questioning posters when there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

You wouldn’t know if other parents had spoken to them if the school are following procedures. There is no way I would have shared information on what parents had spoken to me with other parents.

The parents also need to know and get educated even on this thread there's racial slurs being posted. The problem is when the child goes home they hear their parents say it and then they copy. I am not describing the op she is one of the parents who wants to know and teach her son. The school can only do so much it has to start from home. It's important that school and home communicate.