DS made racist comment at school

He actually said I don't like brown skin. It's pretty bad and I think worse than the original comment

It was a WhatsApp group of 15 friends who are apparently close. She reached out for support after something happened to her daughter. This has now spread back to OP which is why it's always unwise to say things on social media if you don't want the person you're discussing to get wind of it. It's a little hypocritical to post about this on a completely public forum after complaining it was originally shared in a group of 15. There's a good chance that the other mother will now hear about this thread, and be livid that OP is discussing her discussing the racist incident that her child was a victim of so publicly.

I hope the apology card will be well-received and all of this will be forgotten soon, along with all the other playground arguments that get heated and then blow over.

It's not really racist is it? An actual racist comment would be: I think you are less human because you have brown skin. As a brown person myself I would just chalk this up to a 7 year old saying random shit. And he doesn't have to play with her if he doesn't want to - for what ever reason or no reason. Sometimes I don't want to sit next to fat people on the train. Whatever. Say sorry to the mother. Tell your son not to pick out physical differences between people and say them out loud even if he thinks it and draw a line underneath it.

You really are ridiculous aren't you.

I don’t believe in shaming children and he’s so young. It needs to be dealt with. Just tell the mob that you are shocked by his comment and that you’ve had a conversation about it and want to move on from it now.
We all make mistakes and say things we shouldn’t. I still cringe about things I said when young and I’m so glad there was no social media to immortalise my awful mistakes. 7 is little more than a baby.

I really really really wouldn't give this level of explanation about it

If I was a parent of a girl who's friend had said they he didn't like brown skin, I would want a simple " really sorry, we are horrified, get ther seriousness and are dealing with it"

I would not want "he has many friends of different ethnicities, it's never been a problem before, his nan is from a different culture and he wasn't saying it about your daughter (despite specifically saying it to her, whilst asking questions about her skin colour) he was actually talking about himself, its just a misunderstanding and actually I think you should have come to me and that my son is now being bullied.

I'd take a dim view of it and have zero faith you understood. Regardless of why your son has asked a brown skinned girl about her skin and said he doesn't like brown skin. There's no misunderstanding that's literally what you've told us he has said.

People are still missing the point that we are dealing with seven year old children who say all sorts of hurtful things to each other about a wide range of things. I’ve had to navigate a multitude of unpleasant things occurring across the years and I have never once approached the parents directly. I’ve also never gone on a school mum WhatsApp and said some unpleasant things about other people’s children as the kick back from that would be an absolute pain.

If your child comes home and says another child has upset them or hurt them PLEASE go to the school. The school are experts in dealing with this. They will often cover the subjects in PSHE to make sure all the children are involved in solving the types of issues discussed on this thread.

This doesn’t make it okay. I think something is wrong with you/your thought process here. No wonder your son has racist ideals.

None of this makes you less problematic.

I don't know what policies schools are required to have in place, but I would be asking the school to send a letter to all parents asking them to refrain from discussing children's behaviour on WhatsApp groups/social media. Plus a reminder that children often misinterpret/distort events in retelling and parents rarely have the full picture - eg context, intention and whether the perpetrator' has any special needs.

Absolutely this

So sorry you have been put in this situation, which is tantamount to bullying in itself. I would be asking myself where DS learnt this kind of language, and wondering if it is something he has heard previously in the playground. Definitely bring it up with school - request a meeting - and mention the Whatapp group message and how you are certain this is not a behaviour he has learnt at home.

@JustinThyme thank you. Most people are forgetting the actual victim in this.

Not every child with ASD, who receives high rate care and mobility DLA and struggles in social situations a lot, will have the same outcome as your daughter, however much 'drilling' is done.

This is why context matters. Running off to social media and vilifying a neuro diverse child isn't helpful. This could have been dealt with easily on all sides.

Are you seriously calling a little girl that was told “why do you have brown skin? I don’t like brown skin” a bully in this scenario?

In old fashioned Mumsnet terms, give your head a wobble.

This is worse than the original comment imo

I wouldn't be leading with the explanation that you've given about how he dislikes Brown skin because of his own. It's not the explanation you think it is

At what point did OP even imply that this child, who from the sounds of it was upset enough to go home and tell her Mum this had happened, has bullied her son? Of course he needs to apologise to her.

His bullies should also be staying home from the pool to write him apology notes too, but maybe their parents aren't as caring as OP.

@ellie09 you've dealt with this well, it's a really tricky situation and I doubt he will do it again.

Good luck for tomorrow.

If all the boy did was ask why her skin is a different colour I don’t think that is racist. Particularly given his special needs. My son is mixed race, similar age, and will ask the same question about his own skin. It’s not meant in a mean way kids are just inquisitive. Much like if he sees someone in a wheelchair he might ask why they can’t walk. Without knowing the full details of what he said you can’t even be sure he was racist.

we also had a similar thing where one of his good friends at school made a comment about his skin colour when they were doing self portraits. Teacher rang me, wouldn’t tell me which kid but mum then apologised directly and I made no big deal of it. Wasn’t meant in a mean way and my son didn’t take it as such (never mentioned it). They’re still friends.

They are SEVEN years old.
Everybody needs to dial it down a notch.
Especially the " adults"
Of course we address these matters in school. Of course we teach values and inclusivity. Of course we teach tolerance and acceptance. Shame so many parents can't understand this.

Nothing good, nothing at all, comes from amplifying and making drama out of the errors or mistakes of seven year olds.

I couldn't agree more, you can't always assume that a child with ASD just "knows" social rules, you have to make them explicit and teach them not to say things like that before they say them. No-one is a perfect parent but I do think OP dropped the ball a bit here by just thinking he would never say that because he has grown up around different skin colours, even though she has heard him say negative things about brown skin before. An autistic child doesn't have to say racist things because they are autistic, they just need to be taught not to in a different way to an allistic child.