DS made racist comment at school

This thread is really illuminating as to how the problem of racism gets perpetuated in society. I am looking at it from different perspectives:

1. The perspective of a 7 year old girl who is asked why her skin is the colour it is and told that her friend doesn’t like the colour of her skin. This will doubtless be one of many messages she will get, both personally and from the wider society (mass media) that there is something wrong with her skin colour, which is something she was born with and cannot change. Just one cog in the machine that chips away at her self worth.
2. The perspective of the parents of the 7 year old girl who are likely to have had a lifetime of these experiences and feel hurt, angry and perhaps powerless.
3. The perspective of the 7 year old boy who is curious about the differences in skin colour and starting to notice the different values ascribed to different colours by society at large, and perhaps may be struggling with feelings of inferiority himself, going from OP’s comments about his distaste for his own skin colour when it tans to a darker shade of brown, and his curiosity about members of his family.
4. The perspective of the parent of the 7 year old boy who feels shame and disappointment at the fact that her son might be perceived to be a racist, to compound the bullying he has been experiencing for his disability.
5. The perspective of the other parents who discussed the incident on the group chat to the exclusion of the parents of both children involved in the incident.
6. The perspective of the commenters on this mumsnet thread, the majority of whom see racism as a label to be avoided and rejected rather than a set of behaviours that victimise people within groups deemed to be inferior.

If we are serious about rooting out racism in society, then we need to acknowledge and apologise for harmful behaviours rather than minimising or trying to rationalise them as many on this thread have done. Children see what is happening in the world around them
and 7 year olds are naturally curious. It shouldn’t be a taboo to talk about why skin comes in different colours, it could even be a fun science education - it is when we start ascribing different values to the different colours that the issue starts and evidently the children in this school have started to experience this. OP states that the school is multicultural but I wonder if they have a problem with racism, given they have a problem with bullying generally?

What a ridiculous fuss over nothing. My kids have brown skin, btw.

You sound very sensible indeed and handled it correctly.

Kids say all sorts of things about each other, Whatsapp is surely not designed for that. I'm glad there was no such thing when mine was at school.

The awful comments about a disabled child are disgusting to read.

I am sorry the little girl was upset by the comments and your son shouldn’t have said it. However, he is unlikely to have known he shouldn’t have said it. We can’t prep our kids on absolutely everything they can and cannot or should not say. ASD is a social disability and often comes with learning difficulties and usually difficulties processing and understanding. I would be upset that my son had said it, but I would not be angry or punish him for something he likely didn’t thoroughly understand due to his disability. I would explain in ways he could process and use it as a lesson for future. It really doesn’t mean he’s an awful racist.

You can't get into the intersectionality of this incident when the OP motivations are questionable. @Scattery

This is what my mom did when I was in primary school. When I was in reception another kid called me the N word. So, the head teacher called her parents in.

Kids can say wrong things &
And kids can recover …. I’ve seen kids have done much worse get back on track.

IMO - ask school for support in next steps. Which is probably a private school-supported apology (if he actually said it). Dont jump to conclusions about what happened.

Try not to blame on ASD.

Be so glad that he is young, only yr 7. Kids mess up, it happens. He can correct self, and move forward being positive.

Some other thing will happen soon enough to distract everyone.

How to you handle parents? Just say, school is supporting us with this. Expecting help and support with moving forward.

You don’t owe explanations or excuses to anyone.

Try not to blame ASD, but rather talk to him about behavior instead like “impulse control” and maybe try out roll play where he must not say immediate thought. But think of another word. I worked with a young man w impulse issue … used to say c-word at young age, which was awful. We practiced saying “clown” instead. Or “killer clown” if he was particularly angry. His brain used to really like to say the forbidden words …

Apologies if she has confirmed it is true - I missed that.

@Penaltychance I'm not looking for a get out clause, I just didn't think the OP (or us) had heard his side of things, and I felt the attacks on her parenting were very strong and unkind considering this.

It's standard in schools to listen to both sides before restorative conversations are held.

People who wont use this as a learning opportunity put a target on themselves. Empathy for the real victim in this is not superiority.

I would try to speak to someone at school asap as it’s complex. You have the issue of what was said, the WhatsApp mob and your son’s ASD. I hope school handle this sensibly.

Lots of things you've supposed the poster has said aren't true

The girl didn't lie. He told his mum that he said to her he doesn't like brown skin
His mum says he has said similar about himself before, so believes he would say he doesn't like brown skin (because he doesnt). There's zero suggestion it's false, someone told him to say it, hes been manipulated. I'm not sure why having a motive of trying to hurt her would be an excuse anyway. Assuming she's a vindictive liar shows a worrying disbelief that these things happen

That's weird sorts of excuses for disbelieving something even His own mum said happened

It's crazy to me that people would do this level of mental backflips to find a get out clause

We had a similar issue with DS when he was around the same age. He’d had a row with his friend , at some point in the argument he’d said her skin was like poo, she’d said his skin was like a pig. We never got to the bottom of who said it first, the school took it quite seriously I know it went on the racism report that goes to the council.
The issue was that my son got told off and the girl didn’t, he just could not understand how the two comments weren’t equally as bad. I tried to explain how when there are less people like you, you already feel different and the world doesn’t seem as safe.

We also had another incident with the same girl where she had said that she liked a boy and DS asked if she was back. She’d said that what he said was racist and he couldn’t understand it. I asked him if he would have asked the same question to a white girl and he said no and then he understood. It then came out that he didn’t think that white people could get with black people.

But here’s the kicker we are a mixed family. My FIL is Indian and my husband is half Indian - he was racially abused at school called the P word etc. People always say that kids don’t see colour and they learn this kind of thing at home so people automatically assume it’s the parents views.

I think sometimes we need to stand down a bit from things like this and not view the thing through an adults lens. Racism is extremely complicated, it’s taken us years to come to the point we are at as a society so we need to give children a chance to learn from these incidents in an appropriate way

What absolute rubbish. You do realise that saying children ‘of colour’ don’t make racist comments, only white children do, is in itself racist? That sort of comment is very telling 👍

Similar happened with my son in Y6. He was being bullied, which ended in a nasty physical incident. In an attempt to deflect from their little darlings' appalling behaviour (including videoing the incident), a group of other parents tried to turn it all back on my son and I discovered this was being discussed on a WhatsApp ground.

I very much doubt any of the parents will approach you in person OP. These people are way more comfortable bitching about children behind a screen and whipping up their little group into a frenzy, but most likely none will have the balls to speak to you face to face.

Do speak to the school though.

I'm a teacher and a very experienced one at that. Parents absolutely should be having conversations with kids about race and why they exist, racism and why it is unacceptable and why we are all ultimately the same.

But to say a topic is off the table to a child is very misguided. Children need to be allowed to ask questions so they can understand and make sense of these differences. The idea that we 'just don't talk about these' things actually feeds into the problem. They want to understand the world around them including why people are different.

I have had plenty of pupils say things like this, things they don't necessarily mean the way they may sound. Her child has every right to be sad but the mum, as an adult has made this situation for worse by not reporting it directly to the school and allowing them to be investigate, which I am sure as a teacher you would know should have been investigated fairly rather than the mum shaming a child.

Wow... there is a lot of vitriol on this post considering the perspective of a 7-year old who has ASD has not been taken into account.

How about some of these as an alternative explanation before we rip the OP to shreds for her parenting:

1. The girl has upset him, so he's panicked and reached for something to say to get away from her.
2. As he may have heard adults or a book say 'talking about someone's skin colour can upset them', he's chosen that.
3. The girl has lied because he upset her somehow. In Y1, my son was accused of biting a child who had bitten himself enough to leave teeth marks, because he had started being friends with a mutual friend.
4. Someone has told him to say it (I've known of many ASD kids be vulnerable to manipulation as they can't navigate emotions well) .

Obviously racism is completely unacceptable, and I'm super sorry for the girl, but so many people on here don't seem to understand how autism can manifest.

I would actually be upset if the school didn't say something to the parents on the WhatsApp group about how they've handled this.

And you are entirely ignoring the intersectionality of this incident.

This is surely a bulling case against a 7 years old ASD child, and that's how I would take it forward.

Now you're just lying to suit your twisted agenda. You've got issues that's for sure.

OP seems more interesting in the optics and the perceived injustice her child has faced. They have been dismissive of the behavior and not once centered the child this was said to. In fact they have effectively excused it because he described her as his girlfriend previously and because they know ethnic people and family.

So now the OP is at fault for posting anonymously on here mentioning no names and probably tweaking some info to make it less indentifying? You can’t have it every which way. If it’s okay to witch hunt a seven year old on WhatsApp it’s probably okay to ask advice on an anonymous parenting forum.

She is livid, she isn't responsible for what her son said though and she's trying to put it right , so cut her some slack.

He said something pretty horrible. A lot of people forgetting the actual victim in all of this. I wouldn't have posted it on WhatsApp but equally it's not the Mum's responsibility to keep quiet in case the white people get hurt. I really don't care if you think I'm mean and nasty and you can be as embarrassed as you like. OP is doing the right thing.

Another one whos lost the plot! What do you want op to do exactly. She's done everything she can. You are clearly unpleasant and ableist.

Christ - what a drama queen you are. Do you actually know what it means to hurl racist abuse at someone? You sound mean and nasty and exactly the type of person who starts these what’s app groups to stir up the coven of playground mums. Embarrassed for you.