To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

Read this until it sinks in.

This is exactly what he's doing. Get out now.

I agree. Why would this come up in conversation at all?

Why does he say this frequently

Your saying he's hurting you by accident isn't a criticism.

He sounds like he's a bully.

First off, I would always tell him that's he's hurting you.

And if he overreacts massively the bizarre way he has been doing, then. I would not grace it with any attention whatsoever.

Just get on with your day. If he talks about it, just tell him you think his reaction is daft.

It does sound like he's training you to accept anything without complaint.

Does he behave like this with other people he might a accidently hurt like bumping into them?

Sounds like manipulative twaddle to me.

Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me unless he is going to start actively addressing this and finding a coping mechanism. You should be able to tell your partner they're physically hurting you without them stropping off and trying to make you feel bad about it probably to try and stop you complaining.

Contact women's aid if you need support to leave

Because you are not doing anything.

he is an absolute bullshitter. He is prepping you to take abuse.

Then you tell him he has a lot of therapy to do and that need to be his focus. And, again, end the relationship.

He sounds either a bit pathetic or abusive, neither of which are things to stick around for.

A reasonable response to being told you're inadvertently causing discomfort to someone is to adjust what you're doing while saying "oh, sorry, I didn't mean to - are you ok?". What he's doing is making it all about him and putting the expectation on you (the person actually hurt) to make him feel all better. That isn't healthy or fair.

Okay, walking on eggshells is totally different to my situation. I would be reevaluating the relationship and encouraging him into therapy.

He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

He is showing insight, next step is for recognise that the issue is with him, and it's a trigger that HE needs to manage. He needs to learn coping strategies so he unlearns his reactions

He's trying to use psychological babble. If he's hurting you he should want to know so he can stop. He's hurting you during sex mate. And you're too scared to say anything. This isn't right

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

Then he needs to get help ....therapy or counselling or something

If he doesn't get help for his issues and always dumps his historical shit on you, you dump him.

He's teaching you to not react when he hurts you. Thats not good.

Did he grow up in an abusive home? It doesn't make it excusable but I'm wondering if he potentially grew up around violence and can't stand the idea of hurting someone, even accidentally. If this has any truth, it still isn't for you to fix or work around. He needs to work on himself.

Accidents happen. But I can't remember the last time my DH accidentally hurt me let alone it being a frequent event.

Not sure what the reasons are for the pain or his reactions but none of this is normal. Ypu are right to question this!

First : his behaviour is weird.
If someone hurt me I would say ow and tell them. I wouldn't even think about it. And no one I know would storm off from that.

Second : you behaviour was weird. Why didn't you instantly tell him he'd sat on your hand?
Is it because he has trained you to avoid that by his behaviour? Coercive control.

Third: his behaviour shows there is something "wrong" with him. At the most generous it could be past trauma I.e. being excessively punished for hurting people as a child.
And at the most generous he needs to get professional help to work through this.
But even so it would be best for you to leave the relationship and let him get on with it.

So whatever the cause I would suggest you leave. And do not ever be intimate with someone who you are afraid to tell them they hurt you , please

His reaction is absurd and worrying.

Normal reaction as pp has said is to go "oh sorry" and move. And that'd be the end of it.

Does he often make you feel in the wrong over perfectly normal interactions? Do he often perceive slights where none are intended? Do you walk on eggshells around him?

Why is he hurting you so much? That is odd. I have never been in a relationship like that.

This is wrong. He shouldn’t be acting like this but also he shouldn’t be hurting enough for this to be an issue. Given his tactic of turning it round and making it your problem I wonder how often it is an accident.

If my DP wasn’t a bit like this I’d be saying the same as everyone else.

I definitely tell him, I sometimes even get a bit cross, but I’ve learned he genuinely doesn’t realise and gets really upset—mortified—and then becomes really self conscious and won’t come near me for a while.

I don’t know if your DP is like mine, but mine is also incredibly clumsy, breaks things and spills things often and just isn’t aware of his own weight and size. Our sofa back is knackered because of the force with which he flings himself onto it and he’s broken three toilet seats just by putting them down! He got out of the car while I was still sitting in it today and he shut the door so hard the whole thing rocked! He’s a big lad, and has spent his life in a rough and tumble, male dominated environment where he doesn’t have to be careful.

He’s a big fan of Steinbeck, so I tend to say “oi, Lenny, gentle please!” if he’s being too much and that get the point across and he corrects without making him worry.

What should happen is he says 'oh sorry' as it's unintentional and you both move on. That's normal. Him not being able to cope smacks of very low self esteem - you then feel you have to be responsible for building his self esteem back up. People with self esteem that low really don't tend to make good partners - this point is clearly made here by you now feeling you have to put up with pain.

You need to seriously talk about this OP, he needs to sort it out, get counselling to get to the bottom of it or you just need to leave.