To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

He shouldn’t be hurting you and when he does accidentally , he should apologise for doing it. That’s the rule. Have you ever hurt him? Probably not, so you see how easy it is to not hurt someone that you love. If he is doing this often then ask yourself why.

Sometimes, it’s easy to doubt yourself especially if you feel that you are misreading signals because of neurodiversity. It’s easy for somebody who knows this about you to make you question your thought process. If they get away with it once, they can do it again and again because it makes their life easier to have you comply- until you believe that you are always in the wrong and you end up apologising just to make everything ok again on the surface.

You are not wrong, that gut feeling is there to protect you so trust it. When he hurts you, point it out. It will be awkward and you will feel uneasy with the not knowing but stick to your guns and don’t apologise. This is you setting a boundary so he will resist. If he can’t handle that then leave.

"and there have been many times in this relationship where I've inadvertently messed up an entire day because I pointed out something that upset me. It seems insane when I type it out like that."

You haven't messed up an entire day, he has - but he's convinced you it's you.

You pointing out you're upset should lead to him trying to understand why and reassure you - the way you do when he's upset.

You are not being afforded the same respect. You are being made to feel you've ruined the day just because you express yourself.

That's not right, OP.

It sounds like an abusive relationship to me and I would get out.

So he's just reinforced that you're not allowed to 'pull away' even if he HURTS you because it injures his delicate feelings.

It's called control OP and this is how it happens. It doesn't usually involve being told what to do directly, it's about the perpetrator persuading, manipulating, scaring the victim into prioritising the perpetrator all the time...even when the victim is hurt.

I'm worried for you.

I accidentally clicked YABU but you are NOT BU. It's not your job to fix anyone even if he does have some issues from childhood (I learnt that too late myself) and he should be showing signs of remorse when he accidentally hurts you, a simple 'Sorry' would be a good start. You should never suffer silently because you're scared.

I do find his reaction worrying. It may well be there is a lot to unpack from his childhood but the impact is that you are treading on eggshells which is no way to live. Re first interaction of the day, if that was to be a reason, I find it odd that he’s upset that this was you pulling away rather than him hurting you, albeit accidentally. You are not responsible for his reactions. He is responsible for both hurting you and how he reacts to you telling him that this is the case. I’d really encourage you to reflect carefully on the relationship because if it’s a problem when you tell someone they are hurting you, it is potentially dangerous.

My husband had maybe trod on my foot by accident twice in twenty years, that's bout the sum total of him hurting me!

This is so weird and strange that he is often hurting you!

Even more weird that he gets in a huff if you say ouch etc

Think I would steer clear of this one if I were you.

Your boyfriend should not be hurting you and you should never put up with pain to avoid upsetting him. Could he see your hand and sat on it anyway?

His reaction suggests he needs therapy. If he wont deal with this leave him.

100% agree

Absolutely. He's starting a pattern of very concerning behaviour and testing what he can get away with before you question it.
You are already NOT saying when he hurts you during intimacy.... so he's effectively grooming you to accept his behaviour. Huge red flag.
Whatever baggage he has, its not your problem to solve that is what therapy is for and its going to get worse not better.
By all means speak calmly to him and discuss it, but I'd get out ASAP. He's gaslighting you with his reaction. Your gut is telling you it's wrong for a reason. Please trust it.

You may be in an emotionally abusive/coercive controlling relationship.

Is he autistic too?

Please leave him. Especially as you're walking on eggshells - it'll just get worse and more. More things will set him off, your 'egg shell free zone' will get smaller and smaller until it's gone completely. And his reactions to you will ramp up over time as you get used to it and think you've found an equilibrium, he'll press again to push you further.

He really does sound abusive. I'm sorry.

He's taking a situation where you're hurt, and making himself the victim. It's really not OK. That's not an accident.

Do you have kids with him?

Personally, I think it's useful to know the reason for problematic behaviour. It's how we learn to avoid similar issues in the future. Knowing the reason for a behaviour doesn't mean that you need to stick around.

If he isn't willing to work on himself, then he needs to go in the bin.

He's a wrong un as a PP said. He knows exactly what he's doing.

It is not your problem to solve if your BF has issues. You need to leave this man. Best wishes OP.

You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, or no reason at all.

But he's hurting you and doesn't seem to mind, makes it all about him instead. That's a big reason. An important reason.

He might not be setting you up to let him hurt you. But having a strop every time he does something wrong will turn into strops because you asked him to please not leave dirty dishes in the sink, not put whites in with the colours wash etc, and do you want to be living like that?

It really doesn't matter the reason he is doing this, the effect is that you are walking on eggshells. This is a sign you need to leave the relationship, sooner, rather than later.

If he were so worried about abandonment, he'd quit the way he's behaving. I agree with those who say he is trying to make you accept pain rather than tell him - and it's already happening. What kind of person would punish their 'loved one' for pointing out they are in pain? One who wants to cause pain to them is who.

My ExH was like this.

I eventually stopped having sec with him because he'd regularly (not intentionally) hurt me and if I told him and asked to move position/whatever he'd get really upset and sulky so I just put up with the pain. But then I never enjoyed it it just always hurt so I didn't want to do it.

Throw him back. This is a him problem not a you problem.

My first thought was that he's not very nice and quite probably hurting you on purpose. You're not missing anything subtle. He's horrible

so his solution is that he remains sitting on your hand and hurting you or you are not allowed to have feelings
his feelings of being discarded do not trump yours - this is no way to live pushing down your emotions to protect his (and certainly means parenting/kids is off the table parenting is full of accidentally upsetting your kids)
for me he either gets help addressing this issue/stops acting like it and just does the normal thing of sorry I didn’t mean to or he goes

Look, this guy needs therapy. And he needs to be the one to decide that and do that for himself. His lack of appropriate behaviour is hurting you physically and emotionally. He will get worse. You cannot save him. You cannot make it better for him. He will make your life worse.

he is regularly physically hurting you and then intentionally making you feel bad for hurting you. And then blaming something that happened 30 years ago for it.

dont choose this man.

He needs counselling ASAP. I grew up the same time and was hit by both my parents as a small child in a disciplinary way it definitely affected me and I swore I would never hit my kids because of it. I wasn’t traumatised by it but it still impacted on me. He is wildly overreacting to a normal interaction so he needs to get to the bottom of it as it’s impacting on you and your relationship.

Didn't do him any harm ....to the extent that he thinks it's ok to hurt you.

Time to bring this relationship to an end.