To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

Thinking back over the last few months - I can’t remember a single situation where DH has ‘accidentally hurt me’ - maybe he might roll on to my hair? But that’s a non-event becuase I just say ‘babe - my hair’ and he immediately reshuffles. Two things concern me about your OP

• that he is accidentally hurting you with any frequency at all
• he is blowing it out of proportion and making it about you reassuring him when it happens.

I can’t tell whether he’s actively abusive or just clumsy and emotionally immature - either way, I think he’s someone to create distance from.

He's trying to train you to shut up when he hurts you or behaves badly.

I can't see it any other way.

I think you need to point this out to him in a conversation in a neutral space in public. That his behaviour (walking out, refusing to engage) whenever he (accidentally) hurts you and then forcing you to constantly reassure him for long periods of time so he'll engage with you again is concerning behaviour from your perspective as it seems like it's designed to get you to be silent whenever he's hurt you or you need some support, not the other way around.

If he can't respond calmly to this and really take it on board (which I doubt, btw), then he's not a good long term prospect imo.

If I sat on someone’s hand AND WRIST I would notice straightaway, without being told, and jump up straightaway to apologise
A wrist is quite a bump when you’re expecting a smooth mattress.
i think he knows he’s hurting you and waiting for your response so he can have a further dig at you. Sorry. 😞

There's something very wrong here.

You should not be walking on eggshells ever.

You must be able to speak up for yourself instantly if hurt and expect a normal, sympathetic reaction that is about you and your experience.

Your BF is making this ALL about HIM. As your dad did. There's something very wrong with both of them - and with their expectations of others; that you should and will baby and indulge them and suppress your own experience and pain in favour of tiptoeing around their hurty feelings.

I think oversensitivity to criticism/ inability to process shame is a common autistic trait. Is either of them autistic? Given you are, it's likely your dad could be too. Your bf could be reacting to his harsh childhood.

But that issue - and its impact on their ability to form and maintain adult relationships - is not your problem to solve, it's theirs. You're not their nanny, they're not small children. You're a daughter and a girlfriend. They should both be FAR more concerned about you and your experience than their own.

Selfish, self-indulgent twats who believe the world revolves around them and women exist to serve their interests, the pair of them.

Sorry but it's true.

He sounds like a petulant pain in the ass. You sure you want to be with him?

Sorry, I missed a page. Yep, it looks like he's unlikely to want to address this in any way that requires him to behave unselfishly.

Yep. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but even when I'd read no further than the OP, I wondered what was in his background for him to panic when he accidentally hurts someone.

Given that he's accepted that he reacted oddly and started to mention a reason, I'd try to find out more. They're are two potential outcomes. It might be something stemming from childhood, in which case I'd encourage him to get some counselling. Or worst case scenario, he blames your behaviour, in which case it seems like the relationship is coming to an end. But either way, you'll know where you stand.

It sounds like he is autistic too, and it's something he just can't deal with. But you're not wrong for telling him, definitely not.

Wow there's some reaching here!

Yes it could be manipulative. BUT my first read of it was that this could also be a neurodiverse response. It's made me think of my daughter who has rejection sensitivity where is she feels even remotely that she has done anything wrong she will either meltdown or shutdown and it is very difficult to talk to her about it.

I think people have asked some really leading questions here which have a variety of meanings e.g "walking on eggshells" which could imply either being scared if someone or just that someone is being a bit snappy.

That being said you do need to reflect on if this happens ONLY when he has hurt you or at other times too. Is this something that is just about blaming you when you've got hurt or is it about being unable to cope with the situation.

In all honesty if you can't interpret that after some consideration then you probably shouldn't be together.

Yes, you stop spending hours reassuring him. Let him shut down and just get on with your day.

Definitely don't put up with pain just to avoid his weirdness.

This is very sad. He may not wish to speak to a therapist but I do think you should speak to your own therapist about the violence he experienced.
It certainly helps to explain his reaction to accidentally hurting you. It seems to me that you have a fundamentally good relationship and shouldn’t be rushing to end it.

The more you pussy foot around him and try not to upset him, the more you will reinforce his behaviour - and your self esteem will continue to nose dive to the extent that you have to come onto this forum and question whether you are being reasonable to complain about being hurt. Find your power OP, his behaviour is not OK.

Even if that's the case, doesn't mean you have to simply live with it OP, no chance I would.

Whatever his father did is not for you to fix.

Amazing how you can diagnose someone so quickly and easily, leaving the rest of us waiting for years for our own diagnoses! Brava.

OP, a an autistic woman yourself I hope you disregard this offensive claptrap and put your own needs first. You need and deserve a safe and loving partner who doesn't make you walk on eggshells or second guess your own human right to voice your feelings. That's it.

Yes to this...

This is what I think too.
He’s conditioning you not to complain when he hurts you.
I don’t think this relationship is good for you OP.

I was waiting for someone to say this. Of course he’s autistic. As is your father. I’m not assuming that your partner is abusive @ForJoyousAmberLurker as quite a few other posters are suggesting but it’s difficult to live with someone who over reacts to perceived rejection so counselling with someone very familiar with ASD might help.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

These are very common experiences of many people on the spectrum. They’ve felt on the periphery of groups, not quite able to connect, don’t understand why, lots of deeply held feelings of rejection. Plus, rightly or wrongly, there’s a strong orientation to the self that’s difficult but not impossible to overcome. So his first response to an interaction is how they make him feel instead of being able to focus on how you’re feeling. This can feed into / be exacerbated by hyper rejection sensitivity.

Leaving you with the work of constant reassurance. Bit exhausting for you. He needs to understand his patterns and actively work on improving communication.

Edited to add that it’s really not odd or strange but very common for those on the spectrum. We run across people who are ‘prickly’ or ‘over sensitive’ all the time. It’s because that strong orientation to the self makes it difficult for them to instinctively read or understand other’s responses, feelings etc.

None of this is how a loving kind respectful man behaves
Its abusive

So he hurts you then he walks away 'upset' and you go chasing him to make him feel better about hurting you.

This all sounds really fucking scary, manipulative, abusive and dangerous.

You need to leave.

Oh OP, this one is not a good egg. He is making you apologise for him hurting you.

This is so you’ll keep your mouth shut.

Yes, it’s odd.

The first interaction of the day is you pulling away from him? 🙄 He's being ridiculous. Does he expect you to lie there with your hand pinned under him, in pain? So he doesn't feel discarded? I can't see that life with him would be relaxed or fun or easy. Time to think about ending it.