To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

To sum up: he hurt you and then made it seem like the real problem was you making him feel bad about it. Not him hurting you.

This is what coercive control looks like, OP.

Autism/crappy parents/stress are irrelevant.

Ironically, what you need to do is to discard him.

He sounds like a moany pain in the arse who makes everything about him.

So will you apologise to him when you "make" him punch you? Push you down the stairs? Grab you round the throat?

Stop getting upset that his feefees are hurt and worry about your very real, physical pain that he's inflicting on you.

His sulking and gaslighting is immature, a massive red flag and you are absolutely right to tell him off for hurting you. Ffs don't have a baby with him.

He said he was upset that our first interaction of the day was me pulling away from him, and that it reminded him of other times he didn't feel wanted. He said he knows it's irrational but it's connected to other feelings of being "discarded". He wasn't able to elaborate on what I'm doing to make him feel discarded

Oh good grief what waffling bollocks!

Most people would notice that they had sat on someone's hand & move.

Most people would just shout "you're on my hand!" with the expectation of the other person getting up & apologising!

Short version-it shouldn't be this difficult!

Sounds a dead loss and is coercive. Controls by sulking, bloody nightmare. Get out asap.

Agree with everyone there's something deeply weird about this. Lack of empathy is a big red flag.

You can’t fix someone else, OP. They have to do it themselves. Whether it’s his neurodivergence or his upbringing that’s influencing his behaviour, it’s his responsibility to acknowledge and manage it, not yours.

Controlling behaviour is not always malicious or planned, but it’s always unacceptable. It’s simply conditioning someone else to always centre your feelings, anticipate your reactions and modify their behaviour to accommodate your sensitivities. Even if it means completely ignoring their own feelings and tying themselves in knots to do so. Trust me, if you continue to live for years with a controlling person, you will end up becoming a desperate shadow of yourself under the weight of responsibility for someone else’s moods and mental health.

The fact he’s already conditioned you so heavily that you question your right to even speak when he hurts you accidentally is shocking. This will only ever get worse and start to encroach on many other aspects of your life if he’s unwilling or unable to address it. I’m glad you’re open to rethinking this relationship, OP, because it doesn’t sound like it’ll end happily for you.

I assumed he might also be ND as we tend to gather. (Hyper-sensitivity to rejection of any sort, intended or not is not at all unusual). However, challenging as it is to live in an NT world when you feel so different does not excuse grown adults from seeking to understand and manage our own behaviour that affects the ones we love negatively.

You have a right to feel that your feelings are every bit as important as his. If he will not hear you and act on it then leave.

There's something wrong here. You shouldn't be afraid to tell him when you're in pain. I recommend you speak up more and if it's still difficult, I'd bail out. Life is too short to be with anyone who doesn't care for you.

OP, kindly, this doesnt sound healthy

as an autistic woman myself, I can really emphasise, but I do know that we are often vulnerable to abuse.

He MAY be autistic. Or he may just be a bit nasty and damaged, and is using that excuse as a get out for his behaviour.

As an autistic woman, and having a partner who is also, I do understand the defensive behaviour - but it is usually in the moment, and after some pontification, we are both able to look at ourselves and apologise, and more importantly MAKE EFFORT TO CHANGE so as to be aware and try not to do the thing again. This doenst sound like whats going on here - you seem to be in a situation where his feelings/needs/wants come at the expense of yours, even to the point of him hurting you and then making it about his hurt feelings should you dare to complain.

So my bets are not on ASD, but something more like a personality disorder, possibly based around the trauma of his parent's violence to him as a child. Yes, it will make him insecure, and he may well recognise it, but its up to him to deal with that, you are NOT a therapist, and even if you were, it would be unethical for you to treat him. But what you dont do is enable the behaviour, especially to your own detriment.

Personality disorder male / ASD female relationships have the potential to be hugely abusive and damaging. Take care

You deserve better don't sound compatible.

You really don't want to spend your life (you only get one!), confused about the intentions of, or walking on egg shells around the person you are closest too.

Don't think you can change him, he could try harder, but as the relationship matures he will slip back to his natural reactions and you will have wasted too much time on someone who doesn't make you happy.

You are not here to fix someone else and pander to their needs at the avoidance of your own.
This is so unhealthy for you to continue walking on eggshells, and people rarely change. Walk away before you are in too deep.

Exactly this. He is silencing you. He should apologise not act like you are unreasonable. This is abusive.

Come on you asked him to move off your hand. He's not been discarded or unwanted. Could he not see your hand or feel it?

He's an adult and in control of his behaviour. He may have had a moment of upset when you asked him to move but he is in control of how he reacts to that

He's training you to tolerate his behaviour and playing the victim. And even if his behaviour is because of autism, Autistic people can still be abusive and you don't have to tolerate a shit relationship where your treading on eggshells because someone's autistic.

I say this as someone with autism, and an element of RSD. If I feel 'rejected' I would firstly want to make it up to that person, not punish them, I would be more likely to excessively comfort them in this scenario, and secondly as an adult I can rationalise and understand that what I'm feeling is excessive, and not a true reflection of the situation and control how I react to that. It's not fair on my partner if I can't do this

I would worry whether it’s his intention or not that you’ve been conditioned to accept pain during sex or any other time out of fear for reaction. That’s not normal at all.

My covert narc kept his mask for ten years, until I got pregnant. Ten years. They are capable of pretending to be decent for a long long time.

He has shown you how bad it will get once you’re trapped. Sorry, will stop now but I don’t want to see any woman in my position

Glad I'm not the only one thinking this...It sounds like very young teenagers, but OP has been with him 8 years..Sitting on a hand? Why not move hand out of the way before someone sits down, or look before sitting?

Have read all your posts.

YANBU and shouldn’t be doing anything differently. If someone hurts us, even if unintentionally, it’s a typical reaction to express hurt (e.g. by saying ‘ouch’).

However, given his history and possible condition, it may be worth you gently talking to him about getting some therapy. He’s perhaps so sensitive to not hurting people that he over reacts when he does. Or perhaps he’s been taught it’s wrong to react when hurt, so finds it difficult to deal with.

But don’t tread on eggshells with anyone. It’s important to express how we feel. If other people react badly to that, it’s their shit to deal with.

What happens if you don't spend time telling everything is fine? Like when he's hurt you and you've said once "Hey, it was an accident. It's ok" and then leave him be. Does he hover around non-verbally begging for attention or does he just self reflect and get on with it?

At first I was torn that this was either a manipulation tactics or that he doesn't really understand the concept of an accident and it overly empathetic. Unless this happens often enough to not be an accident. But now with the background of coming from abusive home this is some type of ptsd and coping mechanism and fearing of punishment and not understanding the concept of accident and moving on. He needs therapy. If it is purposeful then he's coping mechanism is to be like his parents which is even worse.
And also it is not your job to make him feel better. And him using autism as an excuse to not do things he doesn't want is a red flag.

The reason it feels so awful when your father or bf do this is because it’s supposed to feel awful. Its job is to remind you of your place. Be quiet, doesn’t matter if you’re in pain.

Get out of there.

I think women are often conditioned into being generous and sympathetic when they really ought to be removing themselves.

If your Dad was similar - then you may have been "trained" to put up with things that would have most people running for the hills.

I would suggest after dumping him you do some work on your boundaries.

Just as we often say here that Autism isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, neither should it be used as a tool to undermine your instincts.

Your father was npd, which is why you went for your partner, who is the same. Don’t get pregnant, get out of there because it only gets worse from here.

It’s not normal to communicate and get narc rage or silent treatment, it’s abuse. You have a lot of reading to do and I hope you do it before you’re trapped for life

There might be something else going on but you aren't his therapist.
I also echo what others have said, I have a large clumsy husband and son and they very rarely hurt me by accident, despite being a pair of cuddle monsters

Ever since I've known him he's used "I'm autistic" as a reason for avoiding spending time with my family and friends, avoiding certain activities that I would like us to do together, or spending all his time on "him" activities.

Sounds selfish and uncaring.

And his response to hurting you is just weird. Making it all about him??- a red flag. I don't think my h has ever accidentally hurt me...

You, on the other hand, sound lovely: bright, self-aware, kind, thoughtful. It doesn't sound as if you have much in common.

And you deserve to live your life being relaxed, not walking on eggshells.