To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

It sounds like he also has ASD or ADD.

I've been married to someone like that for a very long time indeed. It's apparently because he loves so much and worries if he's hurt me, even accidentally.

He has got better over time. Don't stew about it. Just realise he's angry and upset with himself about it and not you. Explain to him how him leaving makes you feel worse and like he doesn't care. Explain that you think it's because he's upset but really it isn't worth getting that upset or worried about. And that you're not angry or upset with him. Don't feel you need to apologise -- just give him a chance to get calm again.

My DH has also realised that Sensory Processing Disorder means that sometimes a light touch on my arm or brushing past me hurts but that he's not to blame if he put his hand on me at a bad time.

Do you think he's neurodivergent, OP? My first thought was rejection sensitive dysphoria which is common with adhd/asd. I suspect this is self loathing because he unintentionally hurt you mixed with his perception of rejection.

Look it up and see if it fits. Understanding himself will help if this is the case and medication helps too. It really is debilitating.

Yes, you should be doing something differently.

Not pandering to him when he pretends to be hurt that he's hurt you.

So, you say 'well, how can I tell you that you've accidentally hurt me/stood on my toe/sat on my hand etc, in a way that doesn't upset you? Its a reasonable thing to want to communicate at times, so how do I do this?'

If he can come up with something reasonable, fine.

If he cannot, will not, or won't even talk about it, that's not fine and he needs to fuck the fuck off.

Get talking and if you can't manage that, you need to make some decisions.

Hi op,

His reaction is massive.

You mentioned being with him for some years. Did he ever get interested into solving stuff? I’d be wary to be living my old age and/or have kids with someone of this past that didn’t do any self work. Sounds like a very bad limonade. I would say that you are at risk if any children come.

Good luck 🌺

How did he not know he'd sat on your hand!?
And odd to keep accidently hurting you.
Surely he felt your hand under him and waited for a reaction. Sounds odd to me.

Sounds like he has RSD, common in autistic and adhd people

Should you be doing something differently? Yes you should be leaving, right now, keep yourself safe

OP this sounds wrong. A loving partner should never continue intercourse after their partner indicated that they were in pain. You sound lovely but your partner,if not a bad person, has serious issues to sort out with himself. Please talk to him in an neutral moment . And please stop appeasing him after he has hurt you. Even if accidentally.

I was going to ask if he's also autistic, or maybe ADHD with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (I have all of those). He seems very quick to jump to a conclusion that he has been bad (which would make sense if he has RSD). It would probably benefit him to seek diagnosis, perhaps you're like me and have found it better to understand yourself with a diagnosis of how you think and behave. Therapy would be a good thing for him, or both of you. I can sympathise - I can sometimes react in a self-damaging way if I think I've upset someone, but I do always discuss and communicate it whereas he wants to walk away

He's been your boyfriend for 8 years so probably at least 22 - not a 16 year old who is over-eager in bed. He should be taking care to ensure sex is good for both of you. It still sound like this is something he is doing fairly often and if not actually deliberate he's certainly not paying much attention to you. Unless you are stick thin he would definitely have felt your hand when he sat on it and should have moved off without being asked.

I'm afraid I dont think this is a s "accidental" as he pretends and I still think you need to leave.

you deserve to live your life being relaxed, not walking on eggshells

I wholeheartedly agree.

If he is not listening to you when he is actively hurting you during sex and carrying on with what he wants, roughly, you are in an abusive relationship. These 'accidental hurtings' are not accidental; he is training you to be quiet about it.

This is really frightening to read. You are putting up with painful sex because it hurts his feelings to tell him? He shouldn't want to hurt you. How can he hurt you but turn it round so you feel sorry for him? Run away from this abusive man.

Op I've just read you've said you have endometriosis and sex is often painful. I am waiting on diagnosis but it's likely I have endometriosis. My partner has stopped initiating because he doesn't want me to have sex I don't enjoy. He never gets arsey about it. He's said sex is only a small part of our relationship and he couldn't enjoy sex that was hurting me.

If I feel up to it, I initiate. He checks in with me during and always stops if I express I'm in pain. I'd do the same for him in these circumstances because it's supposed to be good for both of you in a loving relationship

If he's regularly hurting you and getting annoyed when you tell him, it's likely not as accidental as you think

I am married 30 years and I can't think of a single time my husband has hurt me.
This is not normal.

Oh come on, an arm under your arse feels quite different to it just being the bed. 🙄

Also I have been married 15 years and DH has accidentally hurt me maybe 2/3 times in all that time, if he's "accidentally" hurting you a lot then that's a bit worrying

I agree with this.

And it's not just that.

It's his reaction.

I don’t think for a second he is coercively abusing you or hurting you on purpose, all the examples you have given just prove that he or both of you are quite awkward with each other, things like catching hair or your arm awkwardly while hugging. He also didn’t know your arm was there. The whole relationship sounds odd, you both need to learn how to be more natural in your interactions and responses or maybe just leave it. Sometimes people don’t find a rhythm together, but it’s interesting everyone has jumped to the fact he is abusing you, he just sounds like a lummox who needs to be a bit more mature in his responses, an adult saying ‘owww’ all the time can be quite annoying as well.

That's a very strange reaction from him. If DH accidentally sat on my hand of course I'd tell him - did he really expect you to leave your hand where it was to spare his feelings?!
Also I have been married 15 years and DH has accidentally hurt me maybe 2/3 times in all that time, if he's "accidentally" hurting you a lot then that's a bit worrying

Get out of this relationship asap.
Please.
He's a fxxked up head wreck.

It is NOT YOU.
It's him.
Get the hell out.