To tell my boyfriend when he's hurting me?

YABU but NOT FOR TELLING HIM HE HURT YOU. The reason your unreasonable is trying to make him feel better. He should apologise for hurting you even if by accident then move on from it. If he cannot apologise to you or tries making you feel bad because of something he did that is NOT healthy.

If you have a TV watch Emmerdale on catch up over the last few months. Your boyfriend sounds very much like the abuser Tom on there. He hurts her and then says its her fault and he's upset she would think he meant to to it. It's an awful story that just gets worse. Please take of yourself and get away from him safely when there are other people, friends ir family around.

Does he have ADHD? Sounds like RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)

Exactly. If a dog is mauling your leg, you kick it as hard as you can and run like hell. You don't let it continue to rip you apart whilst you ponder whether it's actions might be down to it being mistreated as a pup.

OP is the victim in an abusive relationship. The only way it will get better is if she gets him out of her life for good. All those making excuses for him, or suggesting ways she might help him be a better person, are just making things worse for her.

Irrelevant. He's abusing her and enjoying it.

There is no catch 22 about this. It's simple. You hurt someone accidentally and they tell you, you say sorry and rectify. This man wants her to endure the pain he inflicts in silence. She shouldn't have to write him a letter about the fact that he accidentally sat on her wrist and she reacted. Jeez. If he one day spills tea on her she must not withdraw her hand for fear of his reaction but wait to write that letter? If you are so fearful of reactions in a relationship it's time to get out.
The fact that op says she is enduring pain for fear of his reaction is not a red flag. It's a whole red curtain. Honestly op, I would walk away from this.

Oh OP, this sounds like my ex - he hurt me 'accidentally' quite often - although it was normally just a complete lack of care on his part (he also lost/broke my things if he borrowed them), then I was terrible for making him feel bad (that was far worse than whatever he'd done to hurt me). He was also too rough during sex, and after not long, stopped bothering to think about if I was enjoying it, would beg me to come with him and help him do his things (saying we were a team), but then leave me to do my things all alone, even if I asked for help. He would spend money on himself, then talk about how little money we had to manipulate me into spending as little as possible on me and the kids (yes, like an idiot I had kids with him)

Please leave now, before you get used to it.

The thing that woke me up about how bad it was was when I spoke casually to my friends, making a joke of something that had happened, and they'd turn and look at me in horror - take this thread as your 'friends looking at what he's doing to you with horror' moment, please.

What if he's hurting you deliberately just to get sympathy from you?

He's an immature loser.

Do you notice how he makes things your fault

He walked away because YOU pulled away. No mention of the fact he hurt you because he sat on your hand

What were you supposed to do? Not say anything and carry on being in pain just to save his feelings.

You are not his therapist, if him hurting you and you pulling your hand away triggers him then he needs to get himself mentally fit and well before he starts a relationship with any one

Just on this post alone I would end it. He needs help before he starts another relationship

Something tells me that he won’t let you go that easily and you need to have everything removed from where you live before telling him it’s over. I would also have someone close by to stand up to him if he gets possessive of you.

He sounds like a nightmare. Sulking is immature. So everything is your responsibility even if he hurts you?

End it OP.

The information you've given about sex is very disturbing. Neither of those is accidental - not changing positions when you ask or being too rough. He is deliberately causing you pain. It doesn't matter at all if he has RSD or anything else because he's deliberately hurting you. I wish people would read all the OP's posts before commenting.

Get out now. This is such familiar territory for me (autistic too) with my partner.

It doesn't matter why he's doing it. If he wants to delve into that, that's up to him.

Every violent criminal, every abuser, every selfish arsehole has a 'reason', a psychological explanation. So what? Being sad as well as bad does not compel other people to sacrifice themselves to the arsehole's selfishness and abuse.

What he is doing is harming OP. She needs to put her own basic needs first - to be safe, well and only share a home with adults who truly care about her and act accordingly

OP is not his therapist or his parent and he is not a child. Diagnosis and therapy are for professionals and can only be conducted with willing patients.

OP is his partner - he is offering himself to her as her partner. He is not up to the job, he doesn't even know what the job of a partner is.

My ex would do this.
Until it was deliberate pushes and pinches and when I would say ow that hurt, he would say " don't be stupid, that didn't hurt" or " don't be so dramatic "

Idk if you’re still reading. I really hope you manage to get out of this relationship. Being unable to tell someone they are hurting you is huge, a massive red flag and it sounds as if so much more is going on. It really doesn’t matter if he has rejection sensitivity, he is horrible and abusive with it. This is his issue to resolve, not yours.

yeah, that's not normal or healthy.
he's taking it like a criticism, rather than just a statement of fact. of "ow, that hurt"

he should just apologise for accidentally hurting you, you accept the apology, then it's in the past, and things carry on as normal.

I'm interested that it reminds you of your relationship with your father.
Look up Repetition Compulsion.
We seek out people who will help us recreate our childhood experience even though that may have been unhealthy and painful.

Has he been through trauma you don't know about. I would chat about it at mutual time.

Have you considered that he may have rejection sensitivity? This is often experienced by those who are neurodivergent or had childhood trauma.

I voted u are not unreasonable because that’s what I guess you want to hear. Of course if he hurts you should say so and he should stop sulking like a baby. You have been together 8 years?

I do think you are unreasonable just because you are pandering to him. Some honest conversations needed.

Are you sure he isn’t hurting you on purpose and gaslighting you because you are autistic and insecure?

I’m sorry, I’m inclined to agree 😕

Very worrying if he’s making you afraid to say that he’s hurting you. You not wishing to be confrontational, makes you a target for controlling men too. Don’t waste another day of your life.

I’m speaking as a coercive control survivor who lost 9 years, thousands of pounds, many friends, and what should have been the best days of my life.

Really???

So you wouldn't realise that you were sitting on someone's hand?!

Op said: 'It's got to the point where I sometimes just put up with pain because I can't stand the idea of having to spend hours making him feel better about having hurt me.'

Do you think that's normal? Because I bloody well don't.

End it or fight back and don't take that crap when he gets in a mood over it. Sounds like a right twerp to me.